adBlockCheck

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

You enjoy seeing me suffer, don't you, you no-good, lousy harpy of a nurse? What? No, I don't want you to read me Black Beauty again! A nurse responsible for the care of America's greatest newspaperman, and she's as deaf as a post.

Though I barely recall its taste, a nice hot bowl of Farina sure sounds good right now. I used to start off every morning with a steaming helping of the stuff, and how reassuring it was to feel its thick, creamy mass slide down my throat. Ah, hot porridge. It thickens the blood, enhances the constitution, and makes a man as strong as a tree trunk.

None of this weak-kneed, dry, flaky wheat compound that the kids go for. That stuff would dry up and blow away if it wasn't weighted down. It's Bolshevism, plain and simple! That Kellogg gentleman should be deported!

Rotten kids, defying their elders. Just look at them! When they're not eating chaff for breakfast, they're driving around in their souped-up jalopies, wearing those appalling raccoon coats and listening to that Bix Beiderbecke racket on the gramophone!

It boils my blood to see such insolence. "Twenty-three skidoo," my fanny! Learn the King's English, you whelps! I shudder to think what our country will be like in 30 years. At this rate, how will we ever reach the moon or construct a doomsday weapon capable of destroying all mankind?

I hear tell there's a presidential election coming up soon. Good! Turn the rascals out, I say! Alf Landon will be the greatest President our great Republic has known! He's a hearty oatmeal eater too, you can be sure!

I wish there was a way Farina could be taken intravenously. My fortune to anyone who can figure it out! Proposals can be sent to the Old Zweibel Manse in the Tidewater Basin. Address them to the attention of "Mr. G. Derman Fweibel," so my nurse doesn't catch on and intercept them.

Miserable she-gorgon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close