I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

You enjoy seeing me suffer, don't you, you no-good, lousy harpy of a nurse? What? No, I don't want you to read me Black Beauty again! A nurse responsible for the care of America's greatest newspaperman, and she's as deaf as a post.

Though I barely recall its taste, a nice hot bowl of Farina sure sounds good right now. I used to start off every morning with a steaming helping of the stuff, and how reassuring it was to feel its thick, creamy mass slide down my throat. Ah, hot porridge. It thickens the blood, enhances the constitution, and makes a man as strong as a tree trunk.

None of this weak-kneed, dry, flaky wheat compound that the kids go for. That stuff would dry up and blow away if it wasn't weighted down. It's Bolshevism, plain and simple! That Kellogg gentleman should be deported!

Rotten kids, defying their elders. Just look at them! When they're not eating chaff for breakfast, they're driving around in their souped-up jalopies, wearing those appalling raccoon coats and listening to that Bix Beiderbecke racket on the gramophone!

It boils my blood to see such insolence. "Twenty-three skidoo," my fanny! Learn the King's English, you whelps! I shudder to think what our country will be like in 30 years. At this rate, how will we ever reach the moon or construct a doomsday weapon capable of destroying all mankind?

I hear tell there's a presidential election coming up soon. Good! Turn the rascals out, I say! Alf Landon will be the greatest President our great Republic has known! He's a hearty oatmeal eater too, you can be sure!

I wish there was a way Farina could be taken intravenously. My fortune to anyone who can figure it out! Proposals can be sent to the Old Zweibel Manse in the Tidewater Basin. Address them to the attention of "Mr. G. Derman Fweibel," so my nurse doesn't catch on and intercept them.

Miserable she-gorgon.