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I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

You enjoy seeing me suffer, don't you, you no-good, lousy harpy of a nurse? What? No, I don't want you to read me Black Beauty again! A nurse responsible for the care of America's greatest newspaperman, and she's as deaf as a post.

Though I barely recall its taste, a nice hot bowl of Farina sure sounds good right now. I used to start off every morning with a steaming helping of the stuff, and how reassuring it was to feel its thick, creamy mass slide down my throat. Ah, hot porridge. It thickens the blood, enhances the constitution, and makes a man as strong as a tree trunk.

None of this weak-kneed, dry, flaky wheat compound that the kids go for. That stuff would dry up and blow away if it wasn't weighted down. It's Bolshevism, plain and simple! That Kellogg gentleman should be deported!

Rotten kids, defying their elders. Just look at them! When they're not eating chaff for breakfast, they're driving around in their souped-up jalopies, wearing those appalling raccoon coats and listening to that Bix Beiderbecke racket on the gramophone!

It boils my blood to see such insolence. "Twenty-three skidoo," my fanny! Learn the King's English, you whelps! I shudder to think what our country will be like in 30 years. At this rate, how will we ever reach the moon or construct a doomsday weapon capable of destroying all mankind?

I hear tell there's a presidential election coming up soon. Good! Turn the rascals out, I say! Alf Landon will be the greatest President our great Republic has known! He's a hearty oatmeal eater too, you can be sure!

I wish there was a way Farina could be taken intravenously. My fortune to anyone who can figure it out! Proposals can be sent to the Old Zweibel Manse in the Tidewater Basin. Address them to the attention of "Mr. G. Derman Fweibel," so my nurse doesn't catch on and intercept them.

Miserable she-gorgon.

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