I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 01

Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

DETROIT–Kristin Hammond, figure-skating bronze medalist at the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics, will once again dazzle skating fans in Flintstones On Ice, playing at Detroit's Joe Louis Arena twice daily through Jan. 30. "When I started skating at age five, I knew I wanted to be in the spotlight," said Hammond, who will play the role of Bedrock resident Betty Rubble in the ice-based production of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. "After so many years of hard work, in a way, my dreams came more or less true, I guess." Following the touring show's 20-city run, Hammond is slated to appear in an advertisement for a heating-and-cooling repair service in her hometown of Edina, MN.

Bathroom-Disinfectant Ad Reinforces Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

WENATCHEE, WA–A TV commercial for Lysol Bathroom Disinfectant Spray sent OCD sufferer Janine Whittaker plunging even deeper into the disorder Monday. "Germs... germs everywhere," said Whittaker, furiously scrubbing her bathroom's new, already-gleaming shower tile with an industrial-strength ammonia-based cleanser after viewing the Lysol ad. "That commercial is right: Invisible germs and mildew lurk everywhere–in the tub, on the toilet, on the countertops, and in those hard-to-reach spots under the sink." Whittaker was hospitalized in March 1999 after watching a 30-second spot for Palmolive Anti-Bacterial Dishwashing Liquid.

Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Braddock of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Braddock further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.

AOL Acquires Time-Warner In Largest-Ever Expenditure Of Pretend Internet Money

DULLES, VA–In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp Time-Warner for an unprecedented $161 billion in pretend money. "This merger will revolutionize the way invisible amounts of non-existent cash are transferred," said Steve Case of AOL, a company whose actual revenues are a tiny fraction of its make-believe valuation. In an effort to keep pace with AOL, website blairwitchproject.com is expected to acquire General Motors sometime later this week.

Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

You went too far, Helen. You really crossed the line this time. If you think that I am going to waste my time trying to explain to you why what you did is wrong, well, then you have another thing coming. So let's just forget all about it. Let's drop the subject altogether. I have nothing to say to you, Helen.

I refuse to let you get to me, Helen, and that is why I do not care to even discuss the matter. I have high blood pressure, and things like this do not help it. That is why I've decided to just let it drop. Someone else may have chosen to get mad, but not me. I'm forgetting the whole thing, Helen. Case closed. I'm moving past it. End of story.

Just like I did when you made that comment about my peonies. When that happened, I just said to myself, 'Helen can say whatever she wants and I don't have to let it bother me one bit.' That was two years ago this April and, after all was said and done, we've managed to remain on good terms. I have no interest in making enemies at my age.

But still, for the future, I think you should know that what you did was highly inappropriate. What's more, I do not know how you ever thought that what you did was appropriate. I never, never in all my days on God's green Earth, have I ever... Just who do you think I am? Someone you can walk all over? Because I am not. I don't know how you were raised, but I know that I was brought up better than that. To just go around and show another human such disrespect. If you don't have the common decency to conduct yourself in a manner that is more befitting of a lady, I can't do anything about it. It's out of my hands.

I'll have you know that that blueberry-cobbler recipe has been in my family for four generations–my mother got it from her mother and she, from her own mother who worked in a very reputable pastry shop in Boston, Massachusetts. For you to suggest... For you to suggest to me–well, you just have no idea. Let's face it: Some people just don't know as much about blueberry cobbler as certain other people.

If you want to say that you are sorry, I will be willing to listen, but don't expect me to come to you asking for an apology. Because I have better things to do with my time, Helen. I've got bigger fish to fry.

I'm not going to spend another minute worrying about it. I don't need this sort of turmoil in my life. Harold told me I need to just walk away from these sorts of things and not get so upset. And that is exactly what I am doing. Walking away from it. Right this very minute.

Why shouldn't I? I'm certainly not about to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking that I am losing even one minute of sleep over something as ridiculous as this. Thankfully, the good Lord granted me the wisdom to accept those things that I cannot change.

But I'm warning you, Helen. I don't know if next time I'll be able to turn the other cheek so easily.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More