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I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I Have Nothing To Say To You, Helen

You went too far, Helen. You really crossed the line this time. If you think that I am going to waste my time trying to explain to you why what you did is wrong, well, then you have another thing coming. So let's just forget all about it. Let's drop the subject altogether. I have nothing to say to you, Helen.

I refuse to let you get to me, Helen, and that is why I do not care to even discuss the matter. I have high blood pressure, and things like this do not help it. That is why I've decided to just let it drop. Someone else may have chosen to get mad, but not me. I'm forgetting the whole thing, Helen. Case closed. I'm moving past it. End of story.

Just like I did when you made that comment about my peonies. When that happened, I just said to myself, 'Helen can say whatever she wants and I don't have to let it bother me one bit.' That was two years ago this April and, after all was said and done, we've managed to remain on good terms. I have no interest in making enemies at my age.

But still, for the future, I think you should know that what you did was highly inappropriate. What's more, I do not know how you ever thought that what you did was appropriate. I never, never in all my days on God's green Earth, have I ever... Just who do you think I am? Someone you can walk all over? Because I am not. I don't know how you were raised, but I know that I was brought up better than that. To just go around and show another human such disrespect. If you don't have the common decency to conduct yourself in a manner that is more befitting of a lady, I can't do anything about it. It's out of my hands.

I'll have you know that that blueberry-cobbler recipe has been in my family for four generations–my mother got it from her mother and she, from her own mother who worked in a very reputable pastry shop in Boston, Massachusetts. For you to suggest... For you to suggest to me–well, you just have no idea. Let's face it: Some people just don't know as much about blueberry cobbler as certain other people.

If you want to say that you are sorry, I will be willing to listen, but don't expect me to come to you asking for an apology. Because I have better things to do with my time, Helen. I've got bigger fish to fry.

I'm not going to spend another minute worrying about it. I don't need this sort of turmoil in my life. Harold told me I need to just walk away from these sorts of things and not get so upset. And that is exactly what I am doing. Walking away from it. Right this very minute.

Why shouldn't I? I'm certainly not about to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking that I am losing even one minute of sleep over something as ridiculous as this. Thankfully, the good Lord granted me the wisdom to accept those things that I cannot change.

But I'm warning you, Helen. I don't know if next time I'll be able to turn the other cheek so easily.

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