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As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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I Have Returned, Baby

Girl, you knew I could not stay away for long.

Although I have not been in contact with you in a great many months, let me assure you that you were in my thoughts every second of every day. As I ate, as I slept, as I showered, and as I folded my laundry, rest assured that your fineness was the predominant matter on my mind. Even during Christmas.

Believe me when I say that I would have given anything under the sun to be able to stay by your side instead of leaving without even a note or a phone message. Let us just say that I was involved in some deep personal problems and a family crisis that required a great deal of my time.

But, now that I have returned, I would like to take this opportunity to promise to stay by your side forever. You are my everything and, as a result, I do not want to leave you ever again. I do not ever want to look in any direction in which you are not standing. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, I want you to be in my line of sight.

And, now that you have been un-Smooved for so many months, I expect with reasonable certainty that you will greatly wish to freak with me this Friday night.

With your approval, I will ride to your apartment in the most beautiful white stretch limousine in the entire city. Upon my arrival, rather than expect you to just be there waiting in the vestibule, I will take the elevator or stairs to your apartment and personally fetch you. This magnificent white limousine will then whisk us away to the finest restaurant available. During the limo ride, we will enjoy an assortment of complimentary Pepsi products from the limo's refrigerator.

You can also play the radio if you wish.

As soon as we arrive at the restaurant, immaculately dressed waiters will appear and place glasses of water upon our table. They will ask whether we want a drink to start. Even though there will already be water on the table, I will order more liquids for you. This additional liquid will be the finest wine in all of France. Mere seconds will pass before we have this exemplary wine before us.

These waiters will also place rolls on the table, with pats of fresh creamery butter. This butter will be served at slightly below room temperature so as to spread easily.

Whatever you desire that is printed upon that restaurant's menu, you may order with no thought as to the expense. That will be for Smoove to worry about.

As we dine on our respective meals, I will tell you how beautiful you look while looking directly into your sweet eyes. I will tell you how lovely your particular dress looks upon your finely tuned body.

I will pay for the meal with my Gold Visa, and we will then go to my place and retire to le boudoir, which is French for "my bedroom." There, as the music of Peabo Bryson plays, I will hit you doggy-style all night long.

The next morning, I will serve you breakfast in bed, featuring eggs, two kinds of meat, toast, and your choice of hash browns or grits. You will also receive a tumbler of orange juice.

Aw, girl. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have gazed upon you, the most lovely rose in all of creation. In my mind, I am envisioning you right now. I am envisioning you laughing warmly at my every witticism, returning my loving gazes, and whispering in my ear. The various items you are whispering involve the freak-nasty things we will do together following our meal.

I am also envisioning you hitting the uppermost dimension of ecstasy as I propel you through the universe of my love aboard the spaceship of my strong back, with myself as the captain of this cosmic journey through the sexual stratosphere to our passion meteor.

If this scenario is to your liking, you have my number. If you have lost it, simply dial 555-1212 for directory assistance.

Damn.

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