adBlockCheck

I Have Returned, Baby

Top Headlines

Recent News

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Have Returned, Baby

Girl, you knew I could not stay away for long.

Although I have not been in contact with you in a great many months, let me assure you that you were in my thoughts every second of every day. As I ate, as I slept, as I showered, and as I folded my laundry, rest assured that your fineness was the predominant matter on my mind. Even during Christmas.

Believe me when I say that I would have given anything under the sun to be able to stay by your side instead of leaving without even a note or a phone message. Let us just say that I was involved in some deep personal problems and a family crisis that required a great deal of my time.

But, now that I have returned, I would like to take this opportunity to promise to stay by your side forever. You are my everything and, as a result, I do not want to leave you ever again. I do not ever want to look in any direction in which you are not standing. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, I want you to be in my line of sight.

And, now that you have been un-Smooved for so many months, I expect with reasonable certainty that you will greatly wish to freak with me this Friday night.

With your approval, I will ride to your apartment in the most beautiful white stretch limousine in the entire city. Upon my arrival, rather than expect you to just be there waiting in the vestibule, I will take the elevator or stairs to your apartment and personally fetch you. This magnificent white limousine will then whisk us away to the finest restaurant available. During the limo ride, we will enjoy an assortment of complimentary Pepsi products from the limo's refrigerator.

You can also play the radio if you wish.

As soon as we arrive at the restaurant, immaculately dressed waiters will appear and place glasses of water upon our table. They will ask whether we want a drink to start. Even though there will already be water on the table, I will order more liquids for you. This additional liquid will be the finest wine in all of France. Mere seconds will pass before we have this exemplary wine before us.

These waiters will also place rolls on the table, with pats of fresh creamery butter. This butter will be served at slightly below room temperature so as to spread easily.

Whatever you desire that is printed upon that restaurant's menu, you may order with no thought as to the expense. That will be for Smoove to worry about.

As we dine on our respective meals, I will tell you how beautiful you look while looking directly into your sweet eyes. I will tell you how lovely your particular dress looks upon your finely tuned body.

I will pay for the meal with my Gold Visa, and we will then go to my place and retire to le boudoir, which is French for "my bedroom." There, as the music of Peabo Bryson plays, I will hit you doggy-style all night long.

The next morning, I will serve you breakfast in bed, featuring eggs, two kinds of meat, toast, and your choice of hash browns or grits. You will also receive a tumbler of orange juice.

Aw, girl. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have gazed upon you, the most lovely rose in all of creation. In my mind, I am envisioning you right now. I am envisioning you laughing warmly at my every witticism, returning my loving gazes, and whispering in my ear. The various items you are whispering involve the freak-nasty things we will do together following our meal.

I am also envisioning you hitting the uppermost dimension of ecstasy as I propel you through the universe of my love aboard the spaceship of my strong back, with myself as the captain of this cosmic journey through the sexual stratosphere to our passion meteor.

If this scenario is to your liking, you have my number. If you have lost it, simply dial 555-1212 for directory assistance.

Damn.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close