I Have Returned, Baby

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 16

American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him 'Turbo'

LIMA, IN–More than five years after his last appearance on the syndicated program American Gladiators, Dale "Turbo" Brandt continues to insist that friends refer to him by his on-air name. "Please," Brandt told acquaintance Lynn Crane at a dinner party Monday. "Call me Turbo." In recent years, Brandt has bought a "TURBO" vanity plate for his 1990 Honda Del Sol, placed a "Turbo" nameplate on his mailbox, and attempted to make restaurant reservations under the name "Turbo."

Slight Inconvenience Avoided

ST. LOUIS–Area resident Jim Shaffer avoided slight inconvenience Monday, thanks to Jhirmack's new "upside-down" shampoo bottle. "If I'd been using a traditional shampoo bottle, I'd have had to turn the thing over and shake it when it started to run low," Shaffer said. "But, with the Jhirmack bottle, the shampoo collects at the bottom, making shaking unnecessary." Shaffer plans to use the time saved by the shampoo to "catch up on [his] reading."

Maxim Skimmed

DALLAS–A copy of Maxim magazine was skimmed Monday by subscriber Steve Reiger, who briefly flipped through the May issue before tossing it onto the floor near his bed. "I glanced at the thing about Buffy bad girl Eliza Dushku and read a little of the interview with the guy from Korn," Reiger said. "They also had something about motorcycles I caught a little of and this thing called '100 Things To Do Before You Die.' I think there was also something about that new Mummy movie, but it may have been an ad." Reiger looks forward to skimming the May issues of FHM and Men's Health when they arrive.

Trucking Industry Honors Methamphetamines

KANSAS CITY–At its national convention Monday, the National Trucking Association bestowed its highest honor on methamphetamines. "Methamphetamines, you are the substance that keeps our nation's truckers 'speed'-ing along to their appointed destinations," NTA president Larry Herrick said. "Without you, American trucking would not be the world leader it is today." Herrick then downed a fistful of pills and climbed into a rig, saying he had to be in Fresno, CA, by sun-up.

Asian Man Has Thing For Asian Women

TOKYO–Shoji Furukawa, a 33-year-old Tokyo man, confessed Monday to a fetish for Asian women. "For some reason, as long as I can remember, I've always been into Asian chicks," Furukawa said. "I don't know what it is about them, but they just totally do it for me." Furukawa said the preference may be a familial trait, noting, "My dad was really into Asian girls, too."

First-Grade Teacher Apprehends Urinator

NEWARK, DE–The mysterious Coat Room Urinator, who for weeks terrorized Mrs. Collinsworth's first-grade class at Lakeview Elementary School, was brought to justice Monday, when student Danny Culver was caught in the act of voiding his bladder by the lost-and-found box. "The elusive urine fiend has been apprehended and will be dealt with accordingly," Collinsworth said. "We as a class no longer have to live in constant fear of discovering a warm puddle by the Simba cutouts along the back wall." Culver is being held without bail in his room at 294 Maplewood Drive after being released to the custody of his parents.

W's First Hundred Days

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

I Have Returned, Baby

Girl, you knew I could not stay away for long.

Although I have not been in contact with you in a great many months, let me assure you that you were in my thoughts every second of every day. As I ate, as I slept, as I showered, and as I folded my laundry, rest assured that your fineness was the predominant matter on my mind. Even during Christmas.

Believe me when I say that I would have given anything under the sun to be able to stay by your side instead of leaving without even a note or a phone message. Let us just say that I was involved in some deep personal problems and a family crisis that required a great deal of my time.

But, now that I have returned, I would like to take this opportunity to promise to stay by your side forever. You are my everything and, as a result, I do not want to leave you ever again. I do not ever want to look in any direction in which you are not standing. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, I want you to be in my line of sight.

And, now that you have been un-Smooved for so many months, I expect with reasonable certainty that you will greatly wish to freak with me this Friday night.

With your approval, I will ride to your apartment in the most beautiful white stretch limousine in the entire city. Upon my arrival, rather than expect you to just be there waiting in the vestibule, I will take the elevator or stairs to your apartment and personally fetch you. This magnificent white limousine will then whisk us away to the finest restaurant available. During the limo ride, we will enjoy an assortment of complimentary Pepsi products from the limo's refrigerator.

You can also play the radio if you wish.

As soon as we arrive at the restaurant, immaculately dressed waiters will appear and place glasses of water upon our table. They will ask whether we want a drink to start. Even though there will already be water on the table, I will order more liquids for you. This additional liquid will be the finest wine in all of France. Mere seconds will pass before we have this exemplary wine before us.

These waiters will also place rolls on the table, with pats of fresh creamery butter. This butter will be served at slightly below room temperature so as to spread easily.

Whatever you desire that is printed upon that restaurant's menu, you may order with no thought as to the expense. That will be for Smoove to worry about.

As we dine on our respective meals, I will tell you how beautiful you look while looking directly into your sweet eyes. I will tell you how lovely your particular dress looks upon your finely tuned body.

I will pay for the meal with my Gold Visa, and we will then go to my place and retire to le boudoir, which is French for "my bedroom." There, as the music of Peabo Bryson plays, I will hit you doggy-style all night long.

The next morning, I will serve you breakfast in bed, featuring eggs, two kinds of meat, toast, and your choice of hash browns or grits. You will also receive a tumbler of orange juice.

Aw, girl. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have gazed upon you, the most lovely rose in all of creation. In my mind, I am envisioning you right now. I am envisioning you laughing warmly at my every witticism, returning my loving gazes, and whispering in my ear. The various items you are whispering involve the freak-nasty things we will do together following our meal.

I am also envisioning you hitting the uppermost dimension of ecstasy as I propel you through the universe of my love aboard the spaceship of my strong back, with myself as the captain of this cosmic journey through the sexual stratosphere to our passion meteor.

If this scenario is to your liking, you have my number. If you have lost it, simply dial 555-1212 for directory assistance.

Damn.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More