adBlockCheck

I Have Seen The Future

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Have Seen The Future

The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some folderol about worm-holes aboard fantastical ships that ply the very oceans of the sky, my news organization can now see the future! Naturally I had them flogged for attempting to "shine me on," but my accountants tell me that they were speaking the truth. To which I said piffle—why would any-one in their right mind need to know the future?

As my 142nd year of life approaches, I am once again astounded by the human tendency to assume that things will inevitably improve with the passage of time. Why, when I was born, women could not yet vote; smallpox claimed the life of most children under five years of age; and heroic American visionary General George Armstrong Custer was still alive. As none of these things are true today, we can conclude that the world is diminishing and becoming altogether less worthwhile. Knowing the details of its continual, and accelerating, slide into wrack and ruin is much like rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic.

Then again, I was forced to pay extra wages to the man who re-arranged the deck chairs on the Titanic, so I suppose knowing some details would have saved me a dollar and forty cents, which I could have invested in the Onion news-paper, and which would be worth over seventeen million dollars today; so I suppose knowing a few details is an advantage. However, without looking through this sky-moored worm-hole, I can tell you that little will have changed: The rich will be richer, the poor will be poorer, and Indiana will be a scorched and barren waste-land where no living thing may flourish, just as it has always been.

Still, there are some things people must learn for them-selves, as my father once observed concerning President Lincoln. So gaze into your worm's hole, dear readers, and learn the hellish future that awaits you, for all the damned good it will do.

Then get back to work! The hellish future is not going to make it-self!

--------------------------------

Future: News From The Year 2137 is available for purchase now in the iTunes store.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close