adBlockCheck

I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts

I'm a squirrel on the go. I've got trees to climb and streets to cross. If anybody asks what keeps me going when squirrel duties pile up, I got one word for them: nuts! I know it's a stereotype that squirrels go crazy for nuts, but in my case, it's 100 percent true. I make no apologies or excuses. Why should I? I fully admit that I love the nuts!

Somebody once said the only thing I cared about was nuts. Hey, guilty as charged. And what's wrong with that? Nuts never hurt anybody—at least nobody in squirrel circles. Nuts are delicious! Just stuff a nut into your cheeks, chomp down, and unlock the nutty flavor. Before you know it, you'll be like me—singing the praises of the savory goodness of nutty nuts.

I'm not a strong-willed squirrel. If you take a can of nuts and dump them in your backyard, you'd better believe I'm gonna eat those nuts. I won't be polite about it, either. I won't share them with the chipmunks or the birds. No, I will behave like a fool to secure those nuts. I'll shove as many nuts in my mouth as I can fit, and chew as fast as possible to make room for more nuts. If I have some leftover nuts, I'll bury them for later. And let me tell you: If I can't find my nuts, there's going to be some frantic chirping and running around, believe me. I don't care if passersby stop, point, and laugh at my actions. They can call me me all sorts of nut-loving names. I won't stop until I find those nuts.

You might say, "Danny, what's the deal with the nuts? Don't you ever want to break out of the mold? Do something a little less expected? Blaze a trail? Why do you just live by the old squirrel standards?"

Well, I've got an answer. It's simple. Ready? Here it is: I love nuts. Acorns in particular.

But I love chestnuts, walnuts, and peanuts, too. I'm a nut nut! That's an old joke my dad told me when I was a little kid, and it's funny because it's true. It may be a cliché, but I go crazy for nuts. There's nothing I wouldn't do for nuts. I've been chased by dogs, cats, raccoons, and children while in pursuit of a luscious nut. You'd think I had some sort of death wish, but that's just not the case. I don't know if there are nuts in heaven, so I'm not looking to die. Believe me, I don't do this for the thrills. I do it for the nuts.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, eating nuts isn't all I do. I like to chase other squirrels up and down the trees. I scramble madly up walls using my prehensile claws. Sometimes, I puff up my tail and charge at shadows. And, believe me, I do my share of dashing madly across telephone wires. But when I need to recharge, there's only one thing that can satisfy my hunger. Nuts! And a lot of 'em! Oh, boy!

Do you want to make good with me? Then you'd better bust out the nuts. That's the way to this squirrel's heart. Don't worry. You won't offend me if you assume that I eat nuts, because it's true. I do. So do all of my squirrel friends.

Admittedly, I eat more than just nuts. There aren't always nuts around, so I make do. Once, I found a half-eaten candy bar in the park. I was hungry, so I ate it. It was all right. But do you know what would have made it better? Nuts. If you had put some almonds or peanuts in that candy bar, it would've really been something. But you know what would've been even better? If you took all the candy out, and just left the nuts.

Life is short if you're a squirrel. What do I have? Two, three years? I have to live life to the fullest. I don't want people saying that I didn't take advantage of every opportunity that I had while I skittered around this green earth. If, when I'm gone, you hear someone say, "That Danny, he was a good guy, but he didn't eat many nuts," I insist you set them straight. You tell them that I loved nuts more than anything.

Man, all this talk of nuts is killing me.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close