adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks!

Grieving is a process, they say. At first, I was angry with God for striking down the love of my life. It had to be a mistake.

What had she done to deserve that?

I was just working my way out of the denial phase of the grieving process when the phone rang. Mr. George Tift from State Farm Insurance had a little proposition to make. After giving his condolences, he told me that my term-life insurance plan entitled me to 10 quarterly installments of $25,000, for a total pre-tax payout of $250,000. Yowza! What had I done to deserve that?

A quarter of a million American dollars! That's more than just a good day at the greyhound track. That's the big time: term life. Bargaining phase complete, hello acceptance. Grieving process over!

Leah was a wonderful woman—kind, gentle, caring. I'd have given almost anything to have kept her alive—easily more than $100,000. Probably even $200,000. But 250 grand might have been pushing it. Ah, we can't turn back the hands of time, so there's no use talking about it anyway.

Sure, it was tough paying insurance premiums all those years, but, like they say, you gotta spend money to make money. It was 1962, the year Leah and I got married, that we signed the papers with State Farm. I had a gut feeling that someday it'd be worth it. I bided my time at the lab, kept my head down, tucked a little into the life-insurance fund each month, no matter how tight things were, and then, just 42 years later—blammo!—Leah gets sideswiped by a beer-delivery truck! I don't have to work another day in my life. At 3:15 p.m., my financial troubles were pronounced dead at the scene.

It's hard not to dwell on how things could have been, though. If I'd only known what was in store when my dear Leah left the house that day, I could've gotten on the phone and doubled our coverage. But why dwell on that thought? It's better to focus on the positives: I can't lose sight of the fact that I've been blessed. What if I'd had no insurance at all? I'd be standing here alone in the world, without anyone to love me, a member of the middle class. But instead, luck—and the beer-delivery truck—struck.

No more clock-punching and bosses for me. Praise be to God for bestowing upon me this heaping mound of dearly departed cash-ola.

Holiest angels, please look after my beloved wife up there in Eternal Heaven. Take care of her. Make sure she's got all that she needs in the way of wings or halos or whatever. And tell my dearest not to worry about me. As of yesterday, I've got my bases pretty much covered here on earth. Ha-cha!

Sure, my heart aches for my wife of more than four decades, but I intend to get one of the best psychologists in the entire Akron-Canton area to help me through this loss. I'll say, "Fix me up and then send me the bill. I'll have my banker draw the money out of my account." My fat, fat dead-wife account!

They say it's darkest before the dawn, and I believe it. For a couple of hours, I thought the death of my wife would be the end of my life, too. The thought of living without her beside me threatened my very sanity. But then, like a flash, the clouds parted, the sun beamed through, and I realized that the day she was killed was the first day of the rest of my life—as a rich man.

I always knew big things were in store for me, and the death of my little Leah Lou proved me right. I played the insurance game and came out a winner! Step aside, world—the high roller's coming through!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close