I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit

In This Section

Family

The First Years

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustom...

Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sour...

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Personal Finance

Family

The First Years

I Hope My Baby Doesn't Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit

I sure hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit. 'Cause I know I'm gonna be a good mother, and I'm totally ready, no matter what anybody say, but I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, like, if something was wrong with it, that would suck so fuckin' bad.

I'm a little worried because of some stuff Erin told me. She was saying how, like, if you party a lot, it can make the baby's face all fucked-up. Like, if you drink too much, it could have these weird eyes that look kinda Chinese. That's what she said.

It ain't like I was surprised. I know how you gotta watch what you do when you're having a baby. Like, you gotta make sure to eat, and you gotta not be running around and smoking three packs a day. I ain't stupid. Now that I'm expecting on having a baby, I've cut down to just one pack, and I ain't drinking except for weekends and paydays.

So, like, I'm being all healthy and shit now. But the problem is, I didn't even know I was pregnant until this month. Back when I must of got pregnant, I wasn't keeping track of things too good. It must have happened around when I got fired from Burger King—all because that bitch manager Denise searched my locker—and I was training at the Stop-N-Go. But then I missed nine days of work in a row, so I was like, fuck it, and I quit. I wasn't seeing Gary or D'Shawn anymore because I was getting all serious with Troy from The Gift Box factory. (I was a seasonal there before I started at the Golden Corral two weeks ago, which is around when I moved back into my mom's apartment, 'cause her old boyfriend Don took a trucking job, and she didn't like living all alone over in that neighborhood because it ain't too safe.) So, anyway, like I said, I wasn't keeping track of things too good.

It's kind of funny that I'm pregnant, 'cause when I was working on the assembly line at The Gift Box, I kept having to put these little ceramic-statue things in with the cheese and sausage and the other shit that went out in the orders we packed up. The statues were of little baby angels and kids in pajamas who were praying and doing other cute shit. As I was packing up the little statues, I remember thinking how nice it would be to have a baby to keep me company.

Well, shit, as it turned out, the whole time I was packing those kid statues into the boxes, thinking about how I'd love to have a little girl like the one on the "I'm Yours" statue that's holding out the flowers, I was already pregnant. Isn't that fucking crazy?

Now, don't think I was trying to get knocked up or nothing. 'Cause I wasn't. But my best friend Tina had her first one when she was 15, and here I am 18 already, so it's not bad that I didn't get pregnant by accident until now. My mom always told me I should wait until I was living with someone, but I ain't going for that corny-ass, old-fashioned shit.

But here's why I'm buggin' a little on the whole thing: Like I said, that's when I was with Troy, and him and me, we were doing a lot of drinking around then, 'cause that's when we was first getting to know each other. We did a lot of other shit, too, which I won't go into detail about because even though I'm not with Troy anymore, we're still friends, and I ain't about to get him in trouble his P.O.

That's why I've been thinking about how I hope the baby's all right. I ain't worried that it's dead, because if it wasn't still alive, I know it would come out, because that's what happened to Tina once. I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about, like, its brain and everything. A lot of people don't know this, but a baby has a brain even before it's born, and it's the same brain it has when it grows up, so if something happens, the kid can come out like a retard.

You might think that ain't a big deal, but it is, 'cause I want my baby to have a better life. My child is gonna get a education. She's gonna get a good job and make lots of money, and we're gonna go on vacations to the Bahamas together. She'll have so much cash, I'll be able to retire early and never have to work another shitty-ass job.

That's why I hope she comes out okay. I want her to have a good life and everything, and that's hard if you're funny-looking and talk weird and drool all the time, 'cause then no one wants to talk to you. And then you'll get depression and not even care about hanging out or partying or nothing.

So I been really thinking lately, because even though I ain't seen no doctor yet, I know for sure I'm pregnant. It sure ain't fat on my stomach, 'cause I've been on a diet since July. But I still gotta go in to the hospital and have them tell me if it's a boy or a girl. I'll do that just as soon as I tell my mom, even though I'm pretty sure she knows and just ain't been saying nothing. And when I see a doctor, I'll ask him about if he thinks the baby will come out okay.

Until then, I guess there ain't nothing else I can do.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More