adBlockCheck

I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay

I just heard a song on the radio that, quite frankly, left me feeling very concerned. While I understand that the gentleman singing the song was having—or sounded as though he was having—an enjoyable time, I can’t help but worry. All I can say is, I’m glad he met the best damn woman he’d ever seen (as he put it), but I sure hope that guy who got knocked out by the American thighs in that song is okay.

What if he’s really hurt? Being knocked out is a serious matter, whether by American thighs or anything else, and there could be major health consequences as a result.

And frankly, it sounded pretty serious. There was some agitation in the singing man’s voice, to be sure. It almost seemed as though he was screaming, which I can only assume was from the pain, from damage to his inner ear, or, God forbid, from brain damage. After all, losing consciousness like that is not something to simply shrug off. In fact, if the man who got knocked out by the Americans thighs in that song is reading this now, I would urge him to get himself checked out as soon as possible. Call a doctor or have someone take you to the emergency room immediately. You can’t take any chances when it comes to your health.

Because, look: I’m no doctor, but the man in the song said his mind was aching and the earth was shaking, and that sounds an awful lot like a concussion to me. If he passes out, we could be looking at a very dangerous medical situation for this poor man. Blunt-force trauma to the cranium can be life-altering, even deadly. Maybe someone should get him some coffee? So he doesn’t fall asleep?

In addition, if the man in the song really was, in fact, shaken all night long, then that could pose a tremendous risk as well, especially if the shaking occurred directly after the man was knocked out by those American thighs. A dazed and concussed man being shaken—not just once, but repeatedly—for an entire evening? I don’t even want to think about the neural damage that might have caused.

He’s exhibiting all the classic warning signs, too. In the song, he said he was fighting for air. For all we know, he could be unconscious or in a coma right now. And just listen to what he’s saying. He’s practically incoherent. Why would she tell him to come if he was already there? He’s not making sense. And he thinks this woman with the American thighs is a fast machine? With a clean motor? I’m not sure he’s even talking about a person.

And it’s not just that song, mind you. I’ve heard some of the things he’s said in many other songs, too, and I think we are talking about a person here who is taking major chances with his health and personal safety. He has said his temperature is high. He has said that he wants to shoot to thrill and play to kill, and that he’s had too many women and too many pills. I know he said in that other song to forget the hearse because he’d never die, but that seems like a pretty cavalier attitude, and of course wildly untrue. I think what we are seeing here is a human being who has sustained, quite possibly, multiple injuries, and whose immune system is being bombarded on all sides.

I want to urge anyone who knows the guy who got knocked out by the American thighs in that song to contact a medical professional and explain that this person is suffering from a concussion, a fever, tremors, hallucinations, and an excessive intake of prescription medication. Again, my intent here is not to judge the man; I am simply concerned for his well-being and want to know that he is fine. If anyone can give me any up-to-date information on the man’s condition, please contact this newspaper’s letters department as soon as possible. It would really help put my mind at ease.

As far as I’m concerned, the phrase “safety first” ain’t noise pollution. No, sir. To me, it makes good, good sense.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close