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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay

I just heard a song on the radio that, quite frankly, left me feeling very concerned. While I understand that the gentleman singing the song was having—or sounded as though he was having—an enjoyable time, I can’t help but worry. All I can say is, I’m glad he met the best damn woman he’d ever seen (as he put it), but I sure hope that guy who got knocked out by the American thighs in that song is okay.

What if he’s really hurt? Being knocked out is a serious matter, whether by American thighs or anything else, and there could be major health consequences as a result.

And frankly, it sounded pretty serious. There was some agitation in the singing man’s voice, to be sure. It almost seemed as though he was screaming, which I can only assume was from the pain, from damage to his inner ear, or, God forbid, from brain damage. After all, losing consciousness like that is not something to simply shrug off. In fact, if the man who got knocked out by the Americans thighs in that song is reading this now, I would urge him to get himself checked out as soon as possible. Call a doctor or have someone take you to the emergency room immediately. You can’t take any chances when it comes to your health.

Because, look: I’m no doctor, but the man in the song said his mind was aching and the earth was shaking, and that sounds an awful lot like a concussion to me. If he passes out, we could be looking at a very dangerous medical situation for this poor man. Blunt-force trauma to the cranium can be life-altering, even deadly. Maybe someone should get him some coffee? So he doesn’t fall asleep?

In addition, if the man in the song really was, in fact, shaken all night long, then that could pose a tremendous risk as well, especially if the shaking occurred directly after the man was knocked out by those American thighs. A dazed and concussed man being shaken—not just once, but repeatedly—for an entire evening? I don’t even want to think about the neural damage that might have caused.

He’s exhibiting all the classic warning signs, too. In the song, he said he was fighting for air. For all we know, he could be unconscious or in a coma right now. And just listen to what he’s saying. He’s practically incoherent. Why would she tell him to come if he was already there? He’s not making sense. And he thinks this woman with the American thighs is a fast machine? With a clean motor? I’m not sure he’s even talking about a person.

And it’s not just that song, mind you. I’ve heard some of the things he’s said in many other songs, too, and I think we are talking about a person here who is taking major chances with his health and personal safety. He has said his temperature is high. He has said that he wants to shoot to thrill and play to kill, and that he’s had too many women and too many pills. I know he said in that other song to forget the hearse because he’d never die, but that seems like a pretty cavalier attitude, and of course wildly untrue. I think what we are seeing here is a human being who has sustained, quite possibly, multiple injuries, and whose immune system is being bombarded on all sides.

I want to urge anyone who knows the guy who got knocked out by the American thighs in that song to contact a medical professional and explain that this person is suffering from a concussion, a fever, tremors, hallucinations, and an excessive intake of prescription medication. Again, my intent here is not to judge the man; I am simply concerned for his well-being and want to know that he is fine. If anyone can give me any up-to-date information on the man’s condition, please contact this newspaper’s letters department as soon as possible. It would really help put my mind at ease.

As far as I’m concerned, the phrase “safety first” ain’t noise pollution. No, sir. To me, it makes good, good sense.

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