The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield'

I don't usually spend a lot of time reading the comics pages (you know me: straight to the real-estate section!), but last weekend I found this great new one called Garfield. Man, oh, man, I suggest you remember the name, because it's going to open up a whole new world of entertainment for you. Trust me. You're going to love it.

Okay. First off, he's a cat. But not just any ordinary cat—as if! He's a lazy, fat cat with a whooooooooole lot of attitude. I'm cracking up right now just thinking about him! This cat has an in-your-face approach to dealing with life, that's for sure, and he doesn't care what anybody thinks about it.

I know, I know, at first I had the same reaction you must be having right now: How can an animal display human characteristics? It's just not plausible. But once I got over that initial hurdle, I realized that, odd as it may sound to the uninitiated, there's actually a great deal of comic possibilities in that crazy, seemingly impossible premise.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably a little confused, taking in so much new information at once. Let me slow down and give you some specific examples, just to convey the general gist of this irrepressible kitty.

Oh, Garfield.

Where to begin, where to begin. There's so much to tell you! Okay. Garfield—who always has this expression of "Yeah, whatever"—lives with his human owner, Jon, whom he just so happens to drive absolutely bonkers with his cynical ways. There's also a dog whom our feline friend does not like at all. (His name's Odie, and he really gets on Garfield's nerves.) All Garfield cares about is eating, and guess what his favorite food is? Lasagna! It's totally fattening, but he eats it anyway, even though he's already fat. He just doesn't care. But that's Garfield for you.

Oh, by the way, don't get him started on weight loss. When it comes to dieting, his attitude is "die" with a "T"! I'd like to see that on a T-shirt. In fact, I bet there's a lot of money to be made with such a venture, if the cartoonist could just be convinced to take a chance on the idea. Anyway, when Garfield's not eating, the only other thing he cares about is—you'll never guess this one—sleeping. You think that's funny? Guess where he sleeps. In pans of lasagna. Can you believe it? Who would ever sleep in a lasagna pan? Well, Garfield, that's who! He loves both so much that he's willing to combine them into one sidesplitting, perfectly irreverent visual combination you have to see to believe.

Garfield's always a bit of a grouch, but there's one day you really don't want to mess with him. Monday. Oh, boy. I've never met anyone who hates Mondays quite as much as this wicked kitty! But, I've got to tell you, as ornery as he is about it, part of me can't blame him. After a nice, relaxing weekend, who in their right mind would look forward to another five days of work (or putting up with Odie's incessant slobbering!) before it's Friday again? Ugh! I thought, "Hold on—this Garfield guy's been reading my mail!" And that's the way it is panel after panel after panel.

He may be one rude dude, but his offbeat quips are a real kick-in-the-pants reality check, Garfield style.

I was so impressed that I asked some of my coworkers about him. Apparently he's been around for a while and he's even in a couple of movies! They star someone named Bill Murray, whoever that is. From what I understand, Garfield himself is up there on the screen, walking and talking like in the cartoon drawings, but in live action, just like any other actor. I guess they can do just about anything with computers these days.

I could go on and on, but you've really got to check it out yourself. Just look in the newspaper under comics, and you'll find it in there. If you can't find it, I have some clippings I could lend you as long as you get them back to me. I promise, this cartoon cat is like nothing you've ever encountered in your life. Forget propriety, forget politeness—when it comes to saying what's on his mind, this is one wisecracking feline who leaves the rule book at home!

This guy is going to be huge—and no, I don't just mean fat.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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