I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

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ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

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MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

Today marks exactly three months since Pastor Bufenkamp's retirement dinner. I've really been trying to be a good Christian and open up my heart to the new pastor, but the truth is, I just don't trust him yet.

Pastor Logan seems like a good man. Maybe a bit too young to lead a flock, but still a good man. Nevertheless, he does a lot of things differently from Pastor Bufenkamp, and I simply cannot approve of some of them.

First off, there sure is a whole heck of a lot more fooling around in church under Pastor Logan. He lets the parish's children take turns reading the Word of God the first Sunday of the month, and, honestly, it just isn't working: Most of the children either giggle through the entire reading or speak too softly to be heard. There's also a lot more singing going on during services. Three Sundays ago, Pastor Logan went so far as to let two guitarists play the communion hymn. Can you believe it? Rock-and-roll instruments in the Lord's house!

Then there's the small matter of the cartoons that have started to crop up in the Sunday bulletin, right next to the "Next Week's Ushers" listing. Now, I'm all for having a little fun, but I hardly think last week's drawing was appropriate for a church bulletin. It depicted a pastor delivering a sermon, and, sticking out from behind the pulpit, there was a set of golf clubs. And as if it weren't bad enough that a pastor would drag his dirty old golf clubs right up onto the Lord's altar, the pastor in the picture is saying, "I'm going to keep today's sermon short..."

Goodness! A pastor should have more important things on his mind during a Sunday service than a golf game! Even though Pastor Logan doesn't play golf himself, I don't think he should find this sort of casualness on the part of another clergyman—real or cartoon—funny. I know Pastor Bufenkamp wouldn't.

Then there's Pastor Logan's style of dress. At service, he always wears his robes and nice dress slacks. But during off hours, it's a whole different story. He actually showed up for the mother-daughter banquet wearing tennis shoes! I've got to remember that God loves all kinds and turns away none, but I personally can't imagine saying a prayer over a meal dressed like that.

And speaking of church events, Pastor Logan up and moved the date of this year's Spring Flower Raffle and Pancake Breakfast. Just up and changed it on the church calendar without even talking to me, who has only co-organized the event for the last 11 years! That Spring Flower Raffle and Pancake Breakfast has taken place the weekend of my birthday for the last 11 years, but not this year. And why? Because the new pastor is organizing a youth-group trip to that awful Splashwater Gulch waterpark over in Plovis. All I can say is, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised if that no-good choir director, Diane Francona, was behind all of this. She's been in like Flynn with Pastor Logan from day one. In fact, I'm beginning to think that all of us in the Church Wives' Circle hardly even matter anymore. We invited Pastor Logan to sit in on our June planning and prayer meeting, but instead, he went with the choir to an ecumenical sing-off over at that Methodist church down the street.

Maybe, in time, I will come to understand the new pastor and even trust him as much as I did Pastor Bufenkamp, bless his soul way down there in Tampa. But in the meantime, I am asking the Lord for the strength to accept the things that I cannot change.

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