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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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I Just Don't Trust The New Pastor Yet

Today marks exactly three months since Pastor Bufenkamp's retirement dinner. I've really been trying to be a good Christian and open up my heart to the new pastor, but the truth is, I just don't trust him yet.

Pastor Logan seems like a good man. Maybe a bit too young to lead a flock, but still a good man. Nevertheless, he does a lot of things differently from Pastor Bufenkamp, and I simply cannot approve of some of them.

First off, there sure is a whole heck of a lot more fooling around in church under Pastor Logan. He lets the parish's children take turns reading the Word of God the first Sunday of the month, and, honestly, it just isn't working: Most of the children either giggle through the entire reading or speak too softly to be heard. There's also a lot more singing going on during services. Three Sundays ago, Pastor Logan went so far as to let two guitarists play the communion hymn. Can you believe it? Rock-and-roll instruments in the Lord's house!

Then there's the small matter of the cartoons that have started to crop up in the Sunday bulletin, right next to the "Next Week's Ushers" listing. Now, I'm all for having a little fun, but I hardly think last week's drawing was appropriate for a church bulletin. It depicted a pastor delivering a sermon, and, sticking out from behind the pulpit, there was a set of golf clubs. And as if it weren't bad enough that a pastor would drag his dirty old golf clubs right up onto the Lord's altar, the pastor in the picture is saying, "I'm going to keep today's sermon short..."

Goodness! A pastor should have more important things on his mind during a Sunday service than a golf game! Even though Pastor Logan doesn't play golf himself, I don't think he should find this sort of casualness on the part of another clergyman—real or cartoon—funny. I know Pastor Bufenkamp wouldn't.

Then there's Pastor Logan's style of dress. At service, he always wears his robes and nice dress slacks. But during off hours, it's a whole different story. He actually showed up for the mother-daughter banquet wearing tennis shoes! I've got to remember that God loves all kinds and turns away none, but I personally can't imagine saying a prayer over a meal dressed like that.

And speaking of church events, Pastor Logan up and moved the date of this year's Spring Flower Raffle and Pancake Breakfast. Just up and changed it on the church calendar without even talking to me, who has only co-organized the event for the last 11 years! That Spring Flower Raffle and Pancake Breakfast has taken place the weekend of my birthday for the last 11 years, but not this year. And why? Because the new pastor is organizing a youth-group trip to that awful Splashwater Gulch waterpark over in Plovis. All I can say is, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised if that no-good choir director, Diane Francona, was behind all of this. She's been in like Flynn with Pastor Logan from day one. In fact, I'm beginning to think that all of us in the Church Wives' Circle hardly even matter anymore. We invited Pastor Logan to sit in on our June planning and prayer meeting, but instead, he went with the choir to an ecumenical sing-off over at that Methodist church down the street.

Maybe, in time, I will come to understand the new pastor and even trust him as much as I did Pastor Bufenkamp, bless his soul way down there in Tampa. But in the meantime, I am asking the Lord for the strength to accept the things that I cannot change.

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