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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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I Just Love Corporations!

Do you know what I love? Corporations! Some of my favorites are Raytheon, Unisys, Morton Thiokol, AlliedSignal, US West and Ingersoll-Rand. Have you seen the new Archer Daniels Midland annual report? It's amazing!

I don't know what it is about corporations, but I just can't get enough of them. I love the logos, CEOs and products, and I especially love scouring the media for info about them! In the last issue of Forbes, they listed the corporations to watch in '98, and Bristol-Myers Squibb, one of my all-time favorites, was right at the top of the list! I was so excited, I cut the article out, laminated it, and put it up on my bedroom wall next to my "Dow Chemical Cares" poster! (Not to brag, but I was a fan of Bristol-Meyers way back before they even acquired Squibb.)

When I was a kid, Monsanto totally used to be my favorite corporation. I remember staying up and watching television late into the night just to hear its name mentioned at the end of that commercial for its artificial-turf products. In fifth grade, I had the biggest crush on Monsanto CEO Alan Remlinger, and I even sent him an invitation to my birthday party. I was so devastated when he didn't come! I'm not that into Monsanto anymore, but there will always be a place in my heart for it.

If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'd love to show you my collection of corporation memorabilia. I've got 11 different Honeywell keychains, as well as ones from American Brands, McGraw-Hill and Lyondell Petrochemical. I've also got three SBC Communications sun visors. But my most prized possession of all has to be my Conoco water bottle with the old blue-and-white logo. We're talking pre-takeover here! I hear it's really valuable, but I don't even care how much it's worth, because I would never, ever think of getting rid of it!

I gave away the Warner-Lambert T-shirt I got on my 1983 summer-vacation tour of southern pharmaceutical companies, and I've regretted it every day since. At least I still have other souvenirs of that roadtrip, like the great photos of me in front of the headquarters of Merck, Pfizer, and Pharmacia & Upjohn. What a trip that was!

(I'd better watch myself, or I'll talk your ear off about my tour of Abbott Laboratories headquarters in Houston!)

If I had to choose my favorite corporation today, I'd have to say it's Applied Materials. It makes the best semiconductors! And Applied Materials' CEO, Robert DiVita, has got to be the coolest CEO ever. I heard that at the last shareholders meeting in Tempe, AZ, he said that he's fully committed to making Applied Materials the world leader in electronic components in the 21st century. Is he awesome, or what?

I'm in the process of organizing a Corporations Lovers' Club so that people like me can have a place to talk with other corporation-lovers. In addition to weekly meetings, we'll also take great field trips to places like Weyerhaeuser's paper-processing mill in Monroe, LA, and maybe even sit in on a Rockwell International policy-review meeting. Wouldn't that be something!

But even if I can't organize the club, that's okay, because there's already plenty on my plate: I've got a tour of the Federated Department Stores headquarters lined up, and, as if that isn't enough, I might get clearance to sit in on the company's annual shareholders meeting. If that comes through, I can die happy. If not, I'm still sure to enjoy my special birthday dinner plans in the employee commissary.

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