I Just Love Corporations!

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Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...
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I Just Love Corporations!

Do you know what I love? Corporations! Some of my favorites are Raytheon, Unisys, Morton Thiokol, AlliedSignal, US West and Ingersoll-Rand. Have you seen the new Archer Daniels Midland annual report? It's amazing!

I don't know what it is about corporations, but I just can't get enough of them. I love the logos, CEOs and products, and I especially love scouring the media for info about them! In the last issue of Forbes, they listed the corporations to watch in '98, and Bristol-Myers Squibb, one of my all-time favorites, was right at the top of the list! I was so excited, I cut the article out, laminated it, and put it up on my bedroom wall next to my "Dow Chemical Cares" poster! (Not to brag, but I was a fan of Bristol-Meyers way back before they even acquired Squibb.)

When I was a kid, Monsanto totally used to be my favorite corporation. I remember staying up and watching television late into the night just to hear its name mentioned at the end of that commercial for its artificial-turf products. In fifth grade, I had the biggest crush on Monsanto CEO Alan Remlinger, and I even sent him an invitation to my birthday party. I was so devastated when he didn't come! I'm not that into Monsanto anymore, but there will always be a place in my heart for it.

If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I'd love to show you my collection of corporation memorabilia. I've got 11 different Honeywell keychains, as well as ones from American Brands, McGraw-Hill and Lyondell Petrochemical. I've also got three SBC Communications sun visors. But my most prized possession of all has to be my Conoco water bottle with the old blue-and-white logo. We're talking pre-takeover here! I hear it's really valuable, but I don't even care how much it's worth, because I would never, ever think of getting rid of it!

I gave away the Warner-Lambert T-shirt I got on my 1983 summer-vacation tour of southern pharmaceutical companies, and I've regretted it every day since. At least I still have other souvenirs of that roadtrip, like the great photos of me in front of the headquarters of Merck, Pfizer, and Pharmacia & Upjohn. What a trip that was!

(I'd better watch myself, or I'll talk your ear off about my tour of Abbott Laboratories headquarters in Houston!)

If I had to choose my favorite corporation today, I'd have to say it's Applied Materials. It makes the best semiconductors! And Applied Materials' CEO, Robert DiVita, has got to be the coolest CEO ever. I heard that at the last shareholders meeting in Tempe, AZ, he said that he's fully committed to making Applied Materials the world leader in electronic components in the 21st century. Is he awesome, or what?

I'm in the process of organizing a Corporations Lovers' Club so that people like me can have a place to talk with other corporation-lovers. In addition to weekly meetings, we'll also take great field trips to places like Weyerhaeuser's paper-processing mill in Monroe, LA, and maybe even sit in on a Rockwell International policy-review meeting. Wouldn't that be something!

But even if I can't organize the club, that's okay, because there's already plenty on my plate: I've got a tour of the Federated Department Stores headquarters lined up, and, as if that isn't enough, I might get clearance to sit in on the company's annual shareholders meeting. If that comes through, I can die happy. If not, I'm still sure to enjoy my special birthday dinner plans in the employee commissary.