I Just Took A Bath, And Now I'm Kind Of Sleepy

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Vol 31 Issue 03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey has not sent shockwaves of grief through the nation.

Clinton Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is still Bill Clinton. "We are pleased with the stability of the president's identity," White House spokesperson Kathleen Shepherd told reporters. "It indicates that President Clinton is unlikely to transform from Bill Clinton into a non-Clinton form." Washington officials hope Clinton can remain Clinton throughout his second term, preventing unfortunate events such as in November 1975, when President Gerald Ford was briefly What's Happenin's Rerun.

New Low Stooped To

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident Gwen Withers told reporters. "I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, but this is just... eurgghh!" Experts predict the new low will remain steady for a period of weeks, after which it will lower yet again as mankind continues its centuries-long slide into total barbarism.

Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since 1983's Ridin' The Beams. "We are very excited about this new chapter in Jesus' life," said Gerald Hart, Christ's manager. "The couple will take a two-week break for the wedding at the end of their current tour, and after the honeymoon, they'll be back in the studio finishing Jesus' forthcoming album, The Long Haul." In the wake of His decision to marry, Christ says His plans of redeeming humanity from sin will be put on hold "indefinitely" while He pursues family life.

Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting remark to a classmate during science class. "I'd like to reproduce cellularly with Cindy Loomis," Hager told his lab partner, Dennis Wender, 15. "'Cause Cindy's got, like, huge amoebas." Reactions to the remark varied: The class' teacher, Mr. Scarpelli, 58, angrily assigned extra homework, while student Brett Bunn, 16, giggled uncontrollably.

Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

Charitable Donations

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why?

Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Innovation

I Just Took A Bath, And Now I'm Kind Of Sleepy

My wife Geraldine says that a good hot bath is the best thing for my bursitis, so I got out the Epsom salts and took a nice long dip. The thing is, all that steam sure wipes a person out. I think I better just sit down here on the toilet for a minute and get my sorts about me. I sure am sleepy.

Geraldine was a little angry at me earlier tonight. You see, we went to the movies, and I have a tendency to sort of doze off in the theater. One of those romantic parts came up, and Geraldine felt me slump over against her, so she put her head on my shoulder, but it was all full of saliva because I had dropped off as soon as the lights went down.

I believe a man gets to be a certain age when he's got a quiet house and the run of the furniture, and at that point he can begin to enjoy the pleasures of life. Like sitting back on a Sunday afternoon, turning on a football game and falling asleep. Or seeing the opening credits of a good Yukon Jack episode and falling asleep. That pheasant-patterned couch has got to be the most comfortable spot on God's green earth.

When Geraldine has to go to the Kmart, I always drive her and sit in the car while she shops, listening to the radio. With that warm sun streaming in and the seat of the Cutlass Supreme reclined all the way back, I'm fast asleep before Geraldine has even enjoyed her first Blue Light Special.

Inevitably, though, some damn cart-pusher always starts pounding on the foggy window with a sign scrawled on a paper bag: "Do you need medical assistance?" I do a quick look around for Geraldine, and then I give 'em my middle finger and go back to sleep.

Ever since my forced retirement, I've had a lot more time to catch up on some of the activities l love best, such as reclining in the La-Z-Boy with the daily crossword puzzle and falling asleep, reading old letters and falling asleep, or petting the cat and falling asleep. I've been a busy man all my life, so I like to have something in my hands while I fall asleep.

I also enjoy getting out of the house more than ever. I like to go to the library in the afternoon and sit down in the little reading lounge with a Portuguese novel. I never waste time looking for a good one because I don't understand Portuguese. I enjoy the Saturday-night candlelight service at my church, and I love to go to the waiting room at the clinic at least a few times a week to hear the soothing instrumental versions of today's popular songs. The pediatrics department has a nice assortment of snug beanbag chairs.

I'm always begging Geraldine for us to go visit her sister Clara. We always eat pot roast and potatoes, and Clara insists I take seconds on dessert. Clara has a soothing voice and an unequaled deep leather settee with a matching foot rest. I unbutton my pants, take off my shoes so as not to scuff the leather, and sigh for a straight minute.

Even though I've been retired for more than two years, any time I need to relax I can still recall the monotonous thump and clang of the cars as heard from my conductor's box. I thank my lucky stars for train tracks, because I don't know where I might have ended up on that last run without 'em. I woke up 11 miles outside Tulsa with my Kansas City shipment still in the boxes. I can explain what happened, though. It was real cold, so I put my feet up and took my big, down-filled coat and laid it over me. You know how nice that feels.

Geraldine and I haven't had marital relations in over seven years. During the evening news, she'll give me that look and say, "Honey, how about we go to bed now?" I always say, "I want to watch Carson." An hour later she wakes me up again, and I go into our room and sit down and start to take my socks off, but then I pause to yawn and rub my eyes. I assume that at that point I flop backwards onto the bed and Geraldine changes me into my pajamas and covers me up. I've never really thought to ask.

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