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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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I Just Wrote a Hymn

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I may get down on my knees and give my solemn and humble thanks in my private chapel.

In fact, the Good Lord has blessed me with His divine grace so much over the course of my long and distinguished life that I was inspired to pen a most holy and pious hymn to His eternal and glorious name.

Nurse! Can't you see I'm bringing up the Farina you fed me! What's in this wretched pablum anyhow? It's turning my insides into wood pulp. Witch!

She's trying to kill me, I just know it. She wants to get her hands on my Uruguayan zinc mines. I'd get my bodyguard to shatter her shins with an iron bar, but lately I've been suspecting him of secretly cashing my war bonds to buy fancy zoot suits.

Judases! Judases, all! Curse them!

So where was I? Ah, yes. The hymn idea came to me as I experienced a miraculous epiphany while passing a kidney stone the size of a file cabinet.

It's called "God's Soldiers of Heaven Do Decree in the Name of Christ":

Onward, onward, the Angels did roam/Over hill and dale of Christendom's home/And smartly they the sword of Piety drew/To smite the Infidel, Papist and Jew.

Pretty good, huh? There's more.

The pious man knows he only his wife/And eschews the face of evil throughout his life/He toils all day long under the cruel sun/Curse that goddamned Seward and his lousy Alaska purchase.

My gums are almost completely transparent. It's like having squids sliding around in your mouth. They're too weak to hold dentures, that's for sure. They'll have to somehow screw my dentures to my sinuses, I guess.

Praise Jesus in all his glory! And be sure to vote Populist this November. That damn McKinley has had it too good. Him and his lousy promise of a "full dinner pail." He's no better than that railsplitter Harrison with his lousy Silver Act. Damn them all to hell!

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