I Just Wrote a Hymn

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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I Just Wrote a Hymn

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I may get down on my knees and give my solemn and humble thanks in my private chapel.

In fact, the Good Lord has blessed me with His divine grace so much over the course of my long and distinguished life that I was inspired to pen a most holy and pious hymn to His eternal and glorious name.

Nurse! Can't you see I'm bringing up the Farina you fed me! What's in this wretched pablum anyhow? It's turning my insides into wood pulp. Witch!

She's trying to kill me, I just know it. She wants to get her hands on my Uruguayan zinc mines. I'd get my bodyguard to shatter her shins with an iron bar, but lately I've been suspecting him of secretly cashing my war bonds to buy fancy zoot suits.

Judases! Judases, all! Curse them!

So where was I? Ah, yes. The hymn idea came to me as I experienced a miraculous epiphany while passing a kidney stone the size of a file cabinet.

It's called "God's Soldiers of Heaven Do Decree in the Name of Christ":

Onward, onward, the Angels did roam/Over hill and dale of Christendom's home/And smartly they the sword of Piety drew/To smite the Infidel, Papist and Jew.

Pretty good, huh? There's more.

The pious man knows he only his wife/And eschews the face of evil throughout his life/He toils all day long under the cruel sun/Curse that goddamned Seward and his lousy Alaska purchase.

My gums are almost completely transparent. It's like having squids sliding around in your mouth. They're too weak to hold dentures, that's for sure. They'll have to somehow screw my dentures to my sinuses, I guess.

Praise Jesus in all his glory! And be sure to vote Populist this November. That damn McKinley has had it too good. Him and his lousy promise of a "full dinner pail." He's no better than that railsplitter Harrison with his lousy Silver Act. Damn them all to hell!