adBlockCheck

I Just Wrote a Hymn

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Just Wrote a Hymn

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me so that I may get down on my knees and give my solemn and humble thanks in my private chapel.

In fact, the Good Lord has blessed me with His divine grace so much over the course of my long and distinguished life that I was inspired to pen a most holy and pious hymn to His eternal and glorious name.

Nurse! Can't you see I'm bringing up the Farina you fed me! What's in this wretched pablum anyhow? It's turning my insides into wood pulp. Witch!

She's trying to kill me, I just know it. She wants to get her hands on my Uruguayan zinc mines. I'd get my bodyguard to shatter her shins with an iron bar, but lately I've been suspecting him of secretly cashing my war bonds to buy fancy zoot suits.

Judases! Judases, all! Curse them!

So where was I? Ah, yes. The hymn idea came to me as I experienced a miraculous epiphany while passing a kidney stone the size of a file cabinet.

It's called "God's Soldiers of Heaven Do Decree in the Name of Christ":

Onward, onward, the Angels did roam/Over hill and dale of Christendom's home/And smartly they the sword of Piety drew/To smite the Infidel, Papist and Jew.

Pretty good, huh? There's more.

The pious man knows he only his wife/And eschews the face of evil throughout his life/He toils all day long under the cruel sun/Curse that goddamned Seward and his lousy Alaska purchase.

My gums are almost completely transparent. It's like having squids sliding around in your mouth. They're too weak to hold dentures, that's for sure. They'll have to somehow screw my dentures to my sinuses, I guess.

Praise Jesus in all his glory! And be sure to vote Populist this November. That damn McKinley has had it too good. Him and his lousy promise of a "full dinner pail." He's no better than that railsplitter Harrison with his lousy Silver Act. Damn them all to hell!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close