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I Know Heaven Is Real Because I Saw It And Abducted An Angel

Friend, do you have doubts in your heart about the afterlife? Have you ever wondered if heaven is a real place? I myself had questions like these once, but a near-death experience erased my doubts forever. Why? Because during those few minutes when my heart stopped and the doctors worked to revive me, I saw God’s glorious kingdom with my own eyes, and while I was there I abducted an angel.

Heaven is real, my friend, and so is the immortal being of pure light and love I kidnapped from it!

I hope that by hearing my story, you can experience a small part of the joy and exultation I felt the night of that car accident, when I left my earthly body, ascended into the divine light of eternal paradise, tackled an angel, and dragged it back with me to this world. God’s blessed realm is more beautiful than anything you’ve ever imagined, and it’s just as real as you or me or the radiant angel that is being held in my home against its will.

When you get to heaven, the first thing you notice is a brilliant, shining light more magnificent than any sight on earth. It’s impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t seen it for himself or, at the very least, taken a good look at the glowing aura of the angel I forcibly abducted and now keep locked in my hallway closet. In that heavenly light, I felt a love so complete and unconditional and unlike anything I’ve felt before that I might be tempted to doubt my memory if I didn’t have living, breathing proof of it.

I no longer fear death, because I know that when I die, I will experience an eternity of bliss just like what I felt in God’s everlasting paradise while I repeatedly punched one of His angels in the face in order to subdue it.

Instead, whenever I ask myself, “Did that really happen?” all I have to do is crack open that closet door and peer in at the angel I kidnapped.

If I had the choice, I would’ve stayed there at the foot of God’s throne forever, listening to the majestic choir of angels singing endless hymns to His glory, but when I heard the voices of the ER doctors calling me back, I knew it wasn’t my time yet. I also knew I had to act quickly if I wanted to prove to everyone just how glorious heaven really is. That’s when I decided to grab the nearest angel and hold on with all my strength as it kicked and struggled so that I could bring it back to earth with me.

And now I’m here to attest that His heavenly creation is real—so real that you can reach out and touch a small portion of it, just as long as it’s securely tied down or you hold it firmly by its wings to make sure that it doesn’t escape!

Since waking up after that accident with a memory of heaven etched indelibly in my mind and a frightened seraphim clutched tightly in my arms, I’ve known a new kind of peace and serenity. I no longer fear death, because I know that when I die, I will experience an eternity of bliss just like what I felt in God’s everlasting paradise while I repeatedly punched one of His angels in the face in order to subdue it.

It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I hope my testament is enough to convince you that heaven is real, but if you find it hard to believe every detail of my account, don’t be troubled. One day, you too will see what I have seen and know what I know. Until then, try to love God in your own way, and know that He has promised all of us a place by His side in the next world. Or better yet, just come on over to my house and see this angel I’ve got.

I definitely won’t be letting it go!

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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

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