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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Know What I Should've Told That Judge

Oh, man, is it too late to get a re-trial? Because I'm sure I could think of something better to say this time. They give you a second chance when you play the McDonald's Monopoly game, and that's a lot less important than being on trial for grand-theft auto. The thing is, I totally know what I should've told the judge.

Blame it on first-time jitters. Hey, I was facing five to ten years in jail. You try coming up with a convincing story under that kind of pressure.

Anyway, what I should have told the judge was that, in the dark parking lot, that guy's Porsche looked a lot like my '91 Dodge Daytona. Sure, if it were daytime, the two probably wouldn't look at all alike. But under cover of darkness, there really was no way to know I was getting into the wrong car. Especially considering the fact that mine was parked less than 20 spots away. With a little more trial experience under my belt, I think I could've made the judge buy that honest mix-up.

I also should've told the judge that I led the cops on a high-speed chase through three counties because I recently read somewhere that thugs have been putting police lights on the top of their cars, then pulling people over and robbing them. If they asked me where I read it, I could've said I forgot. It would have been a lot better than telling the judge I wouldn't pull over because of all the police brutality I've seen on TV. Given another go, I definitely wouldn't say that again.

And it probably wasn't the brightest idea to keep bringing up how old the judge was. Like when, during sentencing, the judge said I needed to learn a lesson and was a danger to society, I shouldn't have called him a shriveled cocksucker. He really seemed sensitive about that. That might've tacked a few extra years on to my sentence.

My lawyer tried to get sympathy from the court by trying to play off what I did as a youthful indiscretion—a joyriding 24-year-old with no previous record, out for a good time. But I forgot to tell my lawyer that when the cops pulled me over and asked where I was going in such a hurry, I was so drunk I said, "To the chop shop to make some easy money." I guess that detail temporarily escaped me. Boy, was my lawyer p.o.'d.

To be honest, I think my biggest mistake was going with the court-appointed lawyer in the first place. He didn't even want to put me on the stand. When I insisted, he asked me to plead the Fifth. I told him if I plead the Fifth, I'd look even more guilty. If I had the chance to do it all again, I'd probably just admit I'd been drinking all night, instead of telling the judge and jury that I had one beer and that the breathalyzer was way off. In hindsight, it made me look bad, but like I always say, live and learn.

Going through a felony court proceeding has really taught me a lot about what you should or shouldn't say. It's too bad there aren't any do-overs. Looking on the bright side, though, now that I've gone through it, my first appeal should be a breeze.

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