I Know What I Should've Told That Judge

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Vol 38 Issue 19

Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce

CLEVELAND— Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. "DIANE, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME," read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians-Royals game. "BUT LATELY I'M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?" The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that.

Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower

DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos."

Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him

FALL RIVER, MA— According to fellow urinators in the men's room of the Tip-Top Tavern, Steve Rilke, 44, is urinating as if it were the best thing ever to happen to him. "From the sounds he's making, you'd think it was the culmination of a lifelong dream," said Frank Nolfo, moments after stepping away from the adjacent urinal. "I mean, this is one seriously passionate piss." Nolfo theorized that Rilke's overly enthusiastic bladder-voiding is somehow related to the Tip-Top Tavern's three-for-one special on Bud Ice.

Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant

FORT WORTH, TX— Hit hard by the recession and the aftermath of Sept. 11, American Airlines has received some much-needed assistance from a friendly giant named Urno. "Urno has been of enormous help to us, mostly by picking up planes and running them to their destinations to cut fuel expenses," American Airlines president Donald Carty said Monday. "He also helps wash our dirty planes by dipping them into lakes and rivers." Carty said he has strongly discouraged Urno from swatting rival airlines' planes out of the sky, but "sometimes, he just won't listen."

Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party

KETTERING, OH— Jeffrey Dumas, a developmentally disabled 12-year-old, receives a new PlayStation 2 video game right before every dinner party thrown by his parents. "Look, Jeffrey, a driving game!" said Meredith Dumas, 40, presenting her son with "Gran Turismo 3" and a box of snack crackers minutes before guests began arriving for a party Sunday. "I bet you could get a million points by bedtime if you started now!" The haul was one of Dumas' best since New Year's Eve, when a party thrown by his parents netted him "WWF Smackdown!," "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back," and "Simpsons: Road Rage."

Offin' Office Max

Yo, this is a message foe all y'all wack muthafuckas at Office Depot: Step tha FUCK OFF, lest y'all wanna brawl wit' tha H-Dog an' tha rest of tha Midstate Office Supply krew. 'Cuz if it come to that, shit ain't gonna be pretty. Tha H-Dog and his Midstate ballers will WASTE yo' sorry li'l red-polo-shirted asses. Word is bond.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I Know What I Should've Told That Judge

Oh, man, is it too late to get a re-trial? Because I'm sure I could think of something better to say this time. They give you a second chance when you play the McDonald's Monopoly game, and that's a lot less important than being on trial for grand-theft auto. The thing is, I totally know what I should've told the judge.

Blame it on first-time jitters. Hey, I was facing five to ten years in jail. You try coming up with a convincing story under that kind of pressure.

Anyway, what I should have told the judge was that, in the dark parking lot, that guy's Porsche looked a lot like my '91 Dodge Daytona. Sure, if it were daytime, the two probably wouldn't look at all alike. But under cover of darkness, there really was no way to know I was getting into the wrong car. Especially considering the fact that mine was parked less than 20 spots away. With a little more trial experience under my belt, I think I could've made the judge buy that honest mix-up.

I also should've told the judge that I led the cops on a high-speed chase through three counties because I recently read somewhere that thugs have been putting police lights on the top of their cars, then pulling people over and robbing them. If they asked me where I read it, I could've said I forgot. It would have been a lot better than telling the judge I wouldn't pull over because of all the police brutality I've seen on TV. Given another go, I definitely wouldn't say that again.

And it probably wasn't the brightest idea to keep bringing up how old the judge was. Like when, during sentencing, the judge said I needed to learn a lesson and was a danger to society, I shouldn't have called him a shriveled cocksucker. He really seemed sensitive about that. That might've tacked a few extra years on to my sentence.

My lawyer tried to get sympathy from the court by trying to play off what I did as a youthful indiscretion—a joyriding 24-year-old with no previous record, out for a good time. But I forgot to tell my lawyer that when the cops pulled me over and asked where I was going in such a hurry, I was so drunk I said, "To the chop shop to make some easy money." I guess that detail temporarily escaped me. Boy, was my lawyer p.o.'d.

To be honest, I think my biggest mistake was going with the court-appointed lawyer in the first place. He didn't even want to put me on the stand. When I insisted, he asked me to plead the Fifth. I told him if I plead the Fifth, I'd look even more guilty. If I had the chance to do it all again, I'd probably just admit I'd been drinking all night, instead of telling the judge and jury that I had one beer and that the breathalyzer was way off. In hindsight, it made me look bad, but like I always say, live and learn.

Going through a felony court proceeding has really taught me a lot about what you should or shouldn't say. It's too bad there aren't any do-overs. Looking on the bright side, though, now that I've gone through it, my first appeal should be a breeze.

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