adBlockCheck

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.

Everyone should listen to what I have to say and heed my advice because I am correct. When I say that lowering taxes is the solution to the Social Security crisis, you should agree. We can reduce juvenile crime by requiring school uniforms. It is crazy to pay a man $10 million just because he can put a ball in a hoop. Consuming a daily dose of Vitamin E will result in healthier, stronger dental tissue. No daughter of mine is going to step foot inside a church wearing a miniskirt. Those fat cats in Washington deserve each other. Parker pens are simply the best writing instruments on the market.

If your daughter is getting married, the groom's family should pay for bar expenses. Higher tariffs mean protection for America. It is important to support your local YMCA. Listen to me. We need longer jail terms for repeat drug offenders. If you are having a cookout to entertain friends, make both beef and chicken available. Wildly patterned ties are tacky–the simpler, the classier. I am right.

I also know the solution to the issue of campaign-finance reform. I wrote a letter to The Glendale Post-Gazette to inform the citizenry what needs to be done, and that letter was published on Oct. 9. If you wish to know what needs to be done about the problem of campaign finance, you should find a copy of the Oct. 9 Glendale Post-Gazette.

How do I know about everything? That's simple: by being smarter than everyone else.

Take, for example, the city council's plan to build a community swimming pool. They are wrong, and I am right. Not only will a community pool needlessly raise property taxes, but the traffic on Claybourne Avenue will double, causing delays for those heading to the Pine Street shopping area. I have alerted the members of the city council of this fact, but they have failed to heed my advice, because, as I mentioned earlier, they are not as intelligent as I am.

One of the things I like best about myself is that not only do I know what is best for everyone, I always make sure to come forward with this information. I do not passively sit by, doing nothing about the problems around me. As soon as I determine what is right for my community, state or country, I speak up about it, writing a letter to the editor of a newspaper or talking about it loudly at a local park.

I also know what is right for individuals. I recently informed Patti and Gus Schmidt that their son Steven was smoking pot, and I told them they should put a stop to it. The Schmidts are not perceptive, so they did not notice the warning signs of drug abuse. Fortunately, I am extremely perceptive and was able to intervene.

Tomorrow, I am going to write a letter to USA Today about the problem of international terrorism. That will solve this serious problem once and for all. Thank goodness for me.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close