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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:
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I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You!

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own boss, working as much or as little as you like?

I know I've had these thoughts, but that kind of success always seemed out of my reach. After all, what chance do I have of striking it rich? I'm almost 40 with NO SKILLS, NO COLLEGE EDUCATION, and NO CREDIT. Well, that's precisely why I developed the Instant Money Invention Plan. It changed my life... in an instant! From the very first day, I was able to tell my friends and neighbors that I made $80,000 a year working from home! It was SO EASY! I needed NO SPECIAL TRAINING, and there were NO STARTUP COSTS.

With the Instant Money Invention Plan, you, too, can tell people that you've achieved financial independence without even breaking a sweat. DO NOT miss out on this amazing opportunity!

To get you started right away, call for our special informational packet. You'll learn everything you need to know to convince people you are making more money than you've ever dreamed possible. Soon, you'll be saying, "It was so easy!" and "It only took a few minutes a day!" and "Finally, I have the home and car I've always wanted!"

How does it work, you ask? It's simple! All you have to do is make up a story about your AMAZING FINANCIAL SUCCESS. Soon, everyone you know will hear how you made $7,000 in your first month!

Do you own a computer? Do you know the location of a gas station with a copy machine? If the answer to either question is yes, you can send letters to thousands of people you don't know and tell them YOU ARE MAKING YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! What are you waiting for?

Wouldn't you like to see your picture in newspapers and magazine ads? Could you imagine seeing your glowing recommendation for the Instant Money Invention Plan in a mass e-mail originating from an untraceable location? Everyone will hear about the fortune you claim you made!

Why slave away at a job, barely eking out a living, when you could have any salary you dream of? How much money do you want to say you make? $25,000? $250,000? $1 MILLION? How about $500 KAZILLION? THE SKY'S THE LIMIT! If you can say the number, you can tell people that's how much money you make!

Best of all, you will pay NO TAXES. And, because you are not taking in any money, this plan is 100% legal. The Instant Money Invention Plan may not be ethical, but it is TOTALLY LEGAL!

This is NOT a multi-level marketing scam. It is not one of those make-money-at-home schemes that don't work. You will not be selling term life insurance. You will not be selling a bunch of worthless products nobody wants. With the amazing Instant Money Invention Plan, you will not be selling ANYTHING. All you will be doing is lying. That's all!

Thousands of Americans receive tax-free money from the government for education, new businesses, and so on. But the problem with these money-making schemes is YOU DON'T QUALIFY. You would have to actually go to school or start a business to get a piece of that pie. But can you lie? YES, YOU CAN! You've done it a million times in your life, to a million people—your ex-wife, your parents, the departmental supervisor at your former job. With the Instant Money Invention Plan, all you have to do is lie about something else... your salary!

Wouldn't it be great to work from the comfort of your own living-room couch, sitting back and watching the money roll in? Of course it would. Unfortunately, there's no such thing. But I'm not talking about some get-rich-quick scheme. I am talking about FOOLING PEOPLE into THINKING you've gotten rich quick.

Wouldn't you like to call up that pretty girl you've had your eye on and say, "Let's go on a luxury Caribbean vacation next month, my treat"? As long as the date for the cruise is far enough in the future, you've got no problems. Why? Because THE FUTURE IS WIDE OPEN. After all, no one can call you a liar and confront you about something that hasn't happened yet.

What do you want? A beach house? A new sports car? Your own private jet? It could all be yours in the future! It's up to YOU to start talking about it TODAY!

More from this section

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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