I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You!

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Vol 38 Issue 16

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Spring

I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You!

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own boss, working as much or as little as you like?

I know I've had these thoughts, but that kind of success always seemed out of my reach. After all, what chance do I have of striking it rich? I'm almost 40 with NO SKILLS, NO COLLEGE EDUCATION, and NO CREDIT. Well, that's precisely why I developed the Instant Money Invention Plan. It changed my life... in an instant! From the very first day, I was able to tell my friends and neighbors that I made $80,000 a year working from home! It was SO EASY! I needed NO SPECIAL TRAINING, and there were NO STARTUP COSTS.

With the Instant Money Invention Plan, you, too, can tell people that you've achieved financial independence without even breaking a sweat. DO NOT miss out on this amazing opportunity!

To get you started right away, call for our special informational packet. You'll learn everything you need to know to convince people you are making more money than you've ever dreamed possible. Soon, you'll be saying, "It was so easy!" and "It only took a few minutes a day!" and "Finally, I have the home and car I've always wanted!"

How does it work, you ask? It's simple! All you have to do is make up a story about your AMAZING FINANCIAL SUCCESS. Soon, everyone you know will hear how you made $7,000 in your first month!

Do you own a computer? Do you know the location of a gas station with a copy machine? If the answer to either question is yes, you can send letters to thousands of people you don't know and tell them YOU ARE MAKING YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! What are you waiting for?

Wouldn't you like to see your picture in newspapers and magazine ads? Could you imagine seeing your glowing recommendation for the Instant Money Invention Plan in a mass e-mail originating from an untraceable location? Everyone will hear about the fortune you claim you made!

Why slave away at a job, barely eking out a living, when you could have any salary you dream of? How much money do you want to say you make? $25,000? $250,000? $1 MILLION? How about $500 KAZILLION? THE SKY'S THE LIMIT! If you can say the number, you can tell people that's how much money you make!

Best of all, you will pay NO TAXES. And, because you are not taking in any money, this plan is 100% legal. The Instant Money Invention Plan may not be ethical, but it is TOTALLY LEGAL!

This is NOT a multi-level marketing scam. It is not one of those make-money-at-home schemes that don't work. You will not be selling term life insurance. You will not be selling a bunch of worthless products nobody wants. With the amazing Instant Money Invention Plan, you will not be selling ANYTHING. All you will be doing is lying. That's all!

Thousands of Americans receive tax-free money from the government for education, new businesses, and so on. But the problem with these money-making schemes is YOU DON'T QUALIFY. You would have to actually go to school or start a business to get a piece of that pie. But can you lie? YES, YOU CAN! You've done it a million times in your life, to a million people—your ex-wife, your parents, the departmental supervisor at your former job. With the Instant Money Invention Plan, all you have to do is lie about something else... your salary!

Wouldn't it be great to work from the comfort of your own living-room couch, sitting back and watching the money roll in? Of course it would. Unfortunately, there's no such thing. But I'm not talking about some get-rich-quick scheme. I am talking about FOOLING PEOPLE into THINKING you've gotten rich quick.

Wouldn't you like to call up that pretty girl you've had your eye on and say, "Let's go on a luxury Caribbean vacation next month, my treat"? As long as the date for the cruise is far enough in the future, you've got no problems. Why? Because THE FUTURE IS WIDE OPEN. After all, no one can call you a liar and confront you about something that hasn't happened yet.

What do you want? A beach house? A new sports car? Your own private jet? It could all be yours in the future! It's up to YOU to start talking about it TODAY!

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