I Like All Types Of Music

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Vol 33 Issue 05

Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon spokesbeast who ended the nation's teen drug problem with a televised PSA Saturday. "When somebody passes some drugs my way, I'm playin' it cool and sayin', 'No way, José!'" Rico told America's youth in a 30-second spot that aired at 10 a.m. EST during NBC's Saved By The Bell. By that afternoon, the percentage of U.S. teenagers who described themselves as "periodic to regular" drug users fell from 47 to 0. "This whimsical costumed spokesbeast, with his backwards baseball cap and firm grasp of teen slang, has singlehandedly convinced America's youth that drugs are for major turkeys, or, in the case of dope, dopes," said Beth Healy, director of Project Say No, the nonprofit organization that produced the spot. "He has succeeded in sending the message that abstinence from illegal drugs is way awesome." Rico next plans to tour America's prisons on an anti-homicide campaign.

WKZN-TV Concludes Broadcast Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Amidst a pre-recorded "Star-Spangled Banner" and stock footage of wheat fields and soaring Blue Angels jets, Charlottesville CBS affiliate WKZN-TV concluded its broadcast day at 3:30 a.m EST Tuesday. WKZN, owned by Jefferson Broadcasting Corporation, is a subsidiary of Mediatronic Broadcasting Corporation. WKZN's transmitting facility is located at the station's studio at 3371 Blue Ridge Way. WKZN's transmitter has an output power of 200,000 watts. WKZN is an Equal Opportunity Employer and supports local charities. "Good night," wished everyone at WKZN.

Stupid Thing Won’t Work

RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The stupid thing won't work," a visibly angered Hartley told reporters. "You're supposed to hit both buttons at once, and then a number lights up, and you turn the switch to the 'on' position," he said, "but all I keep getting is these two dashes instead of numbers." Hartley went on to state what a royal pain in the ass it was just to get the stupid thing out of the box; how mad he is that the thing doesn't even come with a warranty; and how annoying it was to call the 1-800 tech-support number included in the stupid thing's stupid booklet, only to get a useless pre-recorded message.

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products.

New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’

ALPENA, MI—Ted Nugent held a press conference Monday to unveil his new signature fragrance "Heartland," which the veteran rocker touted as the most extensively tested cologne in history. "We tested that sumbitch on ferrets, weasels, deer, elk, squirrels, bison, trout, crickets, gibbons, iguanas, donkeys, capybaras, koalas, hyenas, penguins, woodpeckers—every goddamn animal we could find," Nugent said. "And, just to be extra-certain it was safe for consumer use, we injected it into a kitten's bloodstream, sprayed it on otters with open wounds that we inflicted, and forced cows to drink it through their nose. We also squirted it in a duck's eyes. Then we ran out of cologne and just started punching the duck." The cologne, now available in stores, features an ivory bottle stopper and comes in a genuine tiger-skin pouch.

The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Ghost Of Anne Frank: 'Quit Reading My Diary'

Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne Frank held a press conference Monday to tell the world to "stop reading my diary, and put it back where you found it right this second."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

I Like All Types Of Music

When I go to the mall for music, you won't catch me stuck in just one section of Record Town. That's because I like all kinds of music!

Just yesterday, I was in the car with a girlfriend, and she asked me what kind of music she should play, so I told her that anything at all was just fine with me. After all, I like everything from Billy Joel to Elton John to Jewel.

But that's not all by a long shot: One day I'll be in the mood for rock and roll, so I'll put on the new Fleetwood Mac album, and the next I'll feel like classical, so I'll reach for the Titanic soundtrack. I even listen to jazz, like that hunk Kenny G.

I've also really been getting into that new "alternative" music after hearing it on Melrose Place and in that Volkswagen commercial. There's this one alternative song I heard last time I was eating at Denny's, and I just fell in love with it. I don't know who it's by, but it goes, "What if God was one of us?" It was so deep.

On a typical day at home, I might listen to a Celine Dion CD, then watch a few videos on VH1, and then turn the channel to line-dancing on the Nashville Network while I do the dishes. You see, I have what is called an eclectic personality.

My husband isn't half the music lover I am, so when I bought a new oak cabinet for our stereo last year, he complained that I was throwing our money away. It was kind of expensive, but I just had to have a cabinet that matched the furniture in our day room. One of my matching oak CD towers is almost half full, and I'll be getting six more CDs in the mail because I just joined the BMG Music Club.

When I was filling out the enrollment form, I had a pretty hard time deciding which box to check to indicate my favorite type of music. I went ahead and checked the section that had Sheryl Crow in it, because I really like that one song she does.

I like music so much that when I'm at work at the insurance agency, I keep the radio on all day. Unfortunately, last week, my love of music resulted in a very unpleasant run-in with a typist from the temp agency. Personally, I can't imagine how my music could have possibly bothered her, as we have an office rule that the volume dial goes no higher than three.

It was Thursday afternoon, and I was listening to the Christian Contemporary station when the temp started making wisecracks about the music. I changed the station to Lite 107-FM, but then she began to groan loudly at the start of every song.

The last straw came when she shouted "Oh, God!" when The Carpenters' "Close To You" came on. I finally just turned the darn radio off altogether. One thing I can't understand is someone who hates music.

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