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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Like Living In L.A. Because People Don’t Act Weird When They See Me On The Street

We’ve all seen how people can act around big stars. They’ll openly gawk at them, even interrupt them when they’re just trying to enjoy a meal at a restaurant. And hey, I get it, people love celebrities. But the truth is, Hollywood actors like myself appreciate common courtesy as much as anyone else. That’s why I like living in Los Angeles, where I can go out in public and no one ever acts all weird when they see me coming down the sidewalk.

Honestly, nobody—and I mean nobody—ever gives me so much as a second glance here.

When I’m taking my dog for a walk or heading to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk, the absolute last thing I want is for a swarm of people to crowd around me just because I starred in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman. And in L.A., that kind of thing just isn’t a problem. Far from it! Here I can go about my business without anyone hassling me or even letting on that they’ve spotted me.

Honestly, I can go around town all day without a single person hounding me for autographs, taking my picture, or chewing my ear off about how much they loved my performance in The Perfect Husband: The Laci Peterson Story. I’ll walk down Wilshire Boulevard in full view of hundreds of people, and every last one of them will brush past me without so much as making eye contact.

I suppose folks here are just so used to celebrity sightings that they’ve learned to be considerate about it. Which means I can get my car washed or drop off my dry cleaning without having to wade through a pack of pushy Dean Cain fanboys or be ogled by a group of starstruck teenage girls.

I can’t even remember the last time I had to deal with that kind of thing.

And when I do meet new people in this city, they’re always pretty laid back about it. It’s never “Oh my God, Dean Cain!” or “What was it like working with Mare Winningham in Clubhouse?” It’s more like “You can pick up your prescription in 20 minutes” or “Do you know how to get on the 101 from here?” That’s life in Tinseltown for you!

Really, you wouldn’t believe how cool some of these people play it. Sometimes I’ll be at a coffee shop, a young woman will approach me, and I’ll think, “Oh boy. Here we go.” But inevitably she’ll just want to know if anyone’s using the empty chair at my table, and she’ll drag it away without making a huge deal out of the fact that she just talked to a former host of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!

It never ceases to amaze me how people here treat me as if I’m just an ordinary guy.

That may be the best part of L.A.—I don’t receive any special treatment whatsoever. If I want to hit up some trendy new Sunset Strip nightclub, you’d better believe the door staff makes me wait in line for two hours just like everyone else. Sometimes I won’t even get in. It’s the same with auditions: They put me in the waiting room with all the other Hollywood hopefuls, and the casting director never makes a big fuss about how the Man of Steel himself is trying out for his infomercial.

I’m not saying L.A. is the only place I enjoy this kind of low-key treatment. People are great at keeping their distance when I’m in New York City, too—or in my hometown of Mount Clemens, MI, for that matter—but Hollywood residents are just about as down-to-earth as they come as far as ignoring me for hours at a time goes.

Yes, even someone like Dean Cain—someone with a long, illustrious string of film and television credits, someone who devoted his entire adult life to entertaining people and always did the best he could, someone considered a promising young talent until one day the phone just stopped ringing, someone who sacrificed everything—everything—for a chance to see his name in the marquee lights—doesn’t raise so much as an eyebrow in this big crazy town.

Yup, here I’m just another face in the crowd, and nothing more. Nothing more at all!

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