adBlockCheck

I Like This 'T-Shirt' Fashion

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Streaming

I Like This 'T-Shirt' Fashion

In my study yesterday, I watched my beautiful son N. Aeschylus melt his play-things with intense beams of light that shot from his eyes. Precocious little shaver!

But despite such playfulness, I could sense discontent within young N. Aeschylus. A latent discontent, to be sure, yet deep and fierce, filled with fury, hatred, and resentment. I know not who or what could be the object of his dormant wrath, but I would hate to be that person when it finally explodes like a raging volcano! Fortunately, I knew the cure for N. Aeschylus' choleric mood: a big bag of penny sweet-meats and little play-mates his own age!

I had Standish obtain several of the servants' younger children for my son's companionship. As I watched them cavort in the court-yard, I noticed the unusual garments N. Aeschylus' new friends were wearing. While N. Aeschylus was quite properly garbed in a velvet Little Lord Fauntleroy suit and knee-stockings, the other children wore short-sleeved tunics embossed with unorthodox characters. For example, one of the garments read "Pokémon," with an abominable yellow creature situated under the strange word. Another garment was adorned with the admonition, "Warning: I Am Two Years Old!" I asked Standish about this queer development in children's fashion. He explained that the children were wearing something known as a "T-shirt," a popular, inexpensive mode of dress amongst the yeomanry which typically bears a name, phrase, or design conveying an irreverent attitude on the part of its wearer.

"A coarse practice, but endearing," I told Standish. "I would like a 'T-shirt' of my own. Go to the village T-shirtery and obtain one for me. I favor one that states, 'William Randolph Hearst Is A Lascivious Vulgarian, And You Mustn't Buy One Of His Cheap, Tawdry Scandal-Sheets, Even If Your Very Well-Being Depended Upon It.'"

Unfortunately, a T-shirt of that opinion does not exist. However, Standish did obtain one for me which bore the cryptic inscription, "Official Bikini Inspector." I displayed it on my chest until the immense weight of the cotton fabric threatened to splinter my frail, antediluvian rib-cage. It was removed and hung upon my bed-post, so that I may gaze upon it always.

I must now return my attentions to my son. Apparently, he's trying to entomb his play-mates in a mass grave. Whimsical tot! N. Aeschylus, darling, come in and have your tea and zwieback toast!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close