adBlockCheck

I Like This 'T-Shirt' Fashion

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

I Like This 'T-Shirt' Fashion

In my study yesterday, I watched my beautiful son N. Aeschylus melt his play-things with intense beams of light that shot from his eyes. Precocious little shaver!

But despite such playfulness, I could sense discontent within young N. Aeschylus. A latent discontent, to be sure, yet deep and fierce, filled with fury, hatred, and resentment. I know not who or what could be the object of his dormant wrath, but I would hate to be that person when it finally explodes like a raging volcano! Fortunately, I knew the cure for N. Aeschylus' choleric mood: a big bag of penny sweet-meats and little play-mates his own age!

I had Standish obtain several of the servants' younger children for my son's companionship. As I watched them cavort in the court-yard, I noticed the unusual garments N. Aeschylus' new friends were wearing. While N. Aeschylus was quite properly garbed in a velvet Little Lord Fauntleroy suit and knee-stockings, the other children wore short-sleeved tunics embossed with unorthodox characters. For example, one of the garments read "Pokémon," with an abominable yellow creature situated under the strange word. Another garment was adorned with the admonition, "Warning: I Am Two Years Old!" I asked Standish about this queer development in children's fashion. He explained that the children were wearing something known as a "T-shirt," a popular, inexpensive mode of dress amongst the yeomanry which typically bears a name, phrase, or design conveying an irreverent attitude on the part of its wearer.

"A coarse practice, but endearing," I told Standish. "I would like a 'T-shirt' of my own. Go to the village T-shirtery and obtain one for me. I favor one that states, 'William Randolph Hearst Is A Lascivious Vulgarian, And You Mustn't Buy One Of His Cheap, Tawdry Scandal-Sheets, Even If Your Very Well-Being Depended Upon It.'"

Unfortunately, a T-shirt of that opinion does not exist. However, Standish did obtain one for me which bore the cryptic inscription, "Official Bikini Inspector." I displayed it on my chest until the immense weight of the cotton fabric threatened to splinter my frail, antediluvian rib-cage. It was removed and hung upon my bed-post, so that I may gaze upon it always.

I must now return my attentions to my son. Apparently, he's trying to entomb his play-mates in a mass grave. Whimsical tot! N. Aeschylus, darling, come in and have your tea and zwieback toast!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close