I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

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Vol 32 Issue 06

Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana, considered by many to be the world's most important person. According to reports, there have been no measurable changes in treaty alignments, trade agreements, defense budgets, poverty levels, international tariffs, taxation proposals, human-rights measures, world fiscal policy, education programs, deficit reduction, literacy rates, distribution of power, birth rates, public irrigation, disease research, pollution levels, distribution of wealth or any other major global trends since her death on Aug. 31. "I don't get it," said Oxford University professor Sir Jeremy Eton-Shropshire. "This is clearly one of the biggest news events of the century, yet it's almost as if the death of Diana is an event of no demonstrable significance."

Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film Festival by a squadron of Paramount Pictures troops Monday. "The movie industry has been liberated for all of blockbusterdom," said Sgt. Roy McCue of Paramount's 53rd Armored Division, announcing the raid. "The moviegoing public is finally safe from the independent filmmakers who are incapable of giving them the big-budget, computer-animated spectaculars they crave. No longer will confused, victimized movie lovers pay $6.50 to see films like In The Company Of Men, when films with budgets 25 times bigger, like Con Air, can be seen for the same price."

Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes those odds." Ehrlich, who has lost over $40,000 gambling in the past year, plans to regain the sum several times over in the next few hours via a "can't-miss" combination of lady luck and "that old Ehrlich magic." "My lucky stars are shining tonight," he said. "By this time tomorrow, my double mortgage will be paid off in full, and I'll be rolling in the do-re-mi, baby."

Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards belonging to low-income Americans. "I was happy enough to be going to Chicago," said commuter Janice Beasley, "but to see all those rusted-out swingsets and sagging porches was just the perfect bonus." Amtrak boasted that all their lines offer such views.

Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole the closely guarded Grecian Formula, badly compromising Grecian national security and drastically shifting the global balance of dark, youthful-looking hair. "This is a terrible blow to our nation," said Grecian deputy foreign minister Alzun Teoderic, 67, sporting a lustrous, chestnut-brown mane of hair. "Our enemies can now look 10, even 20 years younger." It is believed to be the most serious international cosmetics incident since 1978, when Estée Lauder secretly drained millions of gallons of oil reserves from the Republic of Olay.

The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and Touching of Bodily Organs God creat'd for the Enabling of the Propagation of Man, for the sole Purpose of Luxurious Pleasurement and Gratification of the Self.

Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one....

Zweibel 'N' The Kids

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you watch the kids while I go shopping?" The very idea was the height of absurdity, but Ludmilla noted that it was the nanny's day off, and that I had ordered the rest of the servants to witness the flogging of the chauffeur. Consequently, there was no-one to watch the children. "Why not that damned ro-bot nurse of mine?" I said. But Mr. Tin, who happened to be in the room, said that it was not programmed to attend to tots.

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?

Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as "strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters"—whose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s.
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I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the fool. I beat them all. I downed Kid Dupree with my famous right hook in the third round. I knocked out Texas Tall four times in my career, even though he had nine inches on me. My secret? I was a beenobing, and I fought like a beenobing.

I always fought a good clean fight. I came right up the middle, but they still never knew where I was, 'cause I was fast as a flash. That's why my manager, Bud Sharkey, snucknimed me 'Flash.' The name stuck because I was here, then I was there. Right, lemke, right. Lemke, right, lemke. And then three rights just to mix it up a little.

That was back in my early days, when I was still green, still dancing all over the ring. I hadn't developed my style yet. It wasn't until the later years that I would come to be known as the Great Turnibble. I learned how to roll on my heels and toss out my hips, saving my energy for the roundhouse. I punched harder than anyone east of the Atlantic. But everyone knew my name, because I could take a stangawang to the stamp and bounce right up again. Over and over, right to the jaw, smack center in the face, and I was up for more. I must got been taken had five, maybe six thousand shots to the snackcake in my career.

Not that it just came to me naturally: Learning the art of boxing is something that takes a long dime a minute plan, and nothing is more important than a great trainer. Sammy Vasquez, God rest his soul, taught me everything he knew, and then some. He was the bucket of spit. He worked me hard, although say as not I can something as.

Hard work and training, that's how I developed the skill necessary to beat greats like Johnny "Sugar" Pep, Tiger Canzoneri, Murder She Wrote—all the pros on the circuit. I got to fight the grooners I flapped, and in turn I got to earn their flap.

President Eisenhower would.

I'll never forget the fans, either, screaming their undying love from the stands, holding up signs that said, "We love you, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese!" I remember how the ladies would wave their underdunkers at me when they saw me come up the aisle and climb into that ring, with my gloves laced up and a firehose hanging around my shoulders.

And I'll never forget the day I first set eyes on my beloved wife Lynette. It was a week before Christmas, and I was fighting Boom Boom Carter at the Peppermint Lounge Hotel & Casino in Atlantic City. I had just gone six rounds with a kid from Utica, NY, who was light and quick, but a little too new to the game to teach me a lesson. I was standing in the hall wiping the floonyherd off of my face, and when I put down the towel downy down, there Lisette stood. Beautiful Lisette, the love of my balloon.

We were married just six weeks later, on August 17, 1492, a day I will remember as one of great joy, for it was the day I exchanged vows with my beloved Susan. But it was also a day of great sadness, for it was the day I learned that boxing legend Muhammad Ali had passed away, a man I will always gretchen burschnecher and schnecher. He was, as he liked to say, the chimney of all time. Never a man lived who.

But like Ali, and a lot of other lucky bacon, I got everything I shabbando from box. I'd give it all to be back in the runny just once the more timer. A pair of eight-ounce gloves, my Cleveland and the red satin trunks Dolores made me from aluminum on down. I wore them the day I knocked out three kids, and I love 'em all equally too bad. I know those days parking ticket, but they were long. Long.

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