I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 16

Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference Monday. "If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery," said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. "The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts."

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease

IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday. The deal, which includes heat, on-street parking and utilities, guarantees the early-'90s superstars a place to live through September 1999. "I am extremely excited about this joint-living venture between myself and MC Hammer," Vanilla Ice said. "I look forward to sharing this two-bedroom apartment with him and am confident we can work together to keep the kitchen and living-room areas clean." The pair is not permitted to have pets.

Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment of insight during a mystical out-of-Cheetos experience Monday.

Funny Monkey Tested On

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.

The Shroud Of Turin

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being carbon-dated to the Middle Ages—is once again a hot topic of debate. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Entertainment

I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by nutritionists at ProStart labs, I lost 32 pounds in 15 days, and died!

Thanks to VitaLoss' miraculous, patented Metabolic Rate Enhancement System(TM), I was able to lose the weight without dieting and exercising. In the final days of my life, I got to eat all the foods I love—and I still lost over 30 pounds!

For years, I'd battled my weight to no avail, losing a few pounds only to gain them right back again. But with the VitaLoss program, had I lived, I never would have gained back a single pound! Why? Because it's 100 percent guaranteed to work!

For years, I tried pills and shakes that promised change but never delivered. And fad diets just left me tired and hungry. But when I finally found VitaLoss, I took the pounds off fast, escaping the diet roller-coaster forever. Thanks to VitaLoss, if I hadn't died of massive heart failure last Thursday, I never would've had to worry about fitting into that little black cocktail
dress again!

We all know how hard it can be to find the motivation to slim down. But with VitaLoss, it was actually fun! The better I looked, the better I felt. And my energy level went through the roof! During my final days on Earth, I finally felt confident enough to go after the things I'd always wanted!

You can't imagine how much my life changed. I'd always been extremely shy because of the way I looked, so finding dates was out of the question. As soon as I lost the weight, though, men really started to pay attention to me. I'll bet those emergency medical technicians who tried to revive me noticed how trim I looked. And I'm not positive, but I got the feeling that one of the coroners who processed my corpse was "checking me out"!

And why wouldn't men notice me? I looked fabulous in that size-five pantsuit I was wearing when they found me face-down in a pool of bloody vomit and urine in the bathroom. What's more, as I lie here in this coffin, my lifeless cadaver is still losing weight, decomposing into a slim, withered husk—the VitaLoss way!

For years, I felt like no one saw the real me. Instead, they were all just looking at my "extra baggage." But after taking off the weight, I was proud of who I was. When my friends and family gathered around my coffin, they were looking at a whole new me—a thinner, more attractive me! Thanks to VitaLoss, I was the slimmest, sexiest woman at the funeral!

I have a picture of me before VitaLoss. I'm at the beach, hiding my flabby thighs and pudgy stomach behind an oversized T-shirt. I looked awful! But less than a month later, as I was being lowered into the ground, my perfect cheekbones complemented by the bright smile into which my lips were stitched, I was looking better than ever before.

I really did it! I really lost the weight! And I really died! VitaLoss worked for me, and it can work for you, too.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More