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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by nutritionists at ProStart labs, I lost 32 pounds in 15 days, and died!

Thanks to VitaLoss' miraculous, patented Metabolic Rate Enhancement System(TM), I was able to lose the weight without dieting and exercising. In the final days of my life, I got to eat all the foods I love—and I still lost over 30 pounds!

For years, I'd battled my weight to no avail, losing a few pounds only to gain them right back again. But with the VitaLoss program, had I lived, I never would have gained back a single pound! Why? Because it's 100 percent guaranteed to work!

For years, I tried pills and shakes that promised change but never delivered. And fad diets just left me tired and hungry. But when I finally found VitaLoss, I took the pounds off fast, escaping the diet roller-coaster forever. Thanks to VitaLoss, if I hadn't died of massive heart failure last Thursday, I never would've had to worry about fitting into that little black cocktail
dress again!

We all know how hard it can be to find the motivation to slim down. But with VitaLoss, it was actually fun! The better I looked, the better I felt. And my energy level went through the roof! During my final days on Earth, I finally felt confident enough to go after the things I'd always wanted!

You can't imagine how much my life changed. I'd always been extremely shy because of the way I looked, so finding dates was out of the question. As soon as I lost the weight, though, men really started to pay attention to me. I'll bet those emergency medical technicians who tried to revive me noticed how trim I looked. And I'm not positive, but I got the feeling that one of the coroners who processed my corpse was "checking me out"!

And why wouldn't men notice me? I looked fabulous in that size-five pantsuit I was wearing when they found me face-down in a pool of bloody vomit and urine in the bathroom. What's more, as I lie here in this coffin, my lifeless cadaver is still losing weight, decomposing into a slim, withered husk—the VitaLoss way!

For years, I felt like no one saw the real me. Instead, they were all just looking at my "extra baggage." But after taking off the weight, I was proud of who I was. When my friends and family gathered around my coffin, they were looking at a whole new me—a thinner, more attractive me! Thanks to VitaLoss, I was the slimmest, sexiest woman at the funeral!

I have a picture of me before VitaLoss. I'm at the beach, hiding my flabby thighs and pudgy stomach behind an oversized T-shirt. I looked awful! But less than a month later, as I was being lowered into the ground, my perfect cheekbones complemented by the bright smile into which my lips were stitched, I was looking better than ever before.

I really did it! I really lost the weight! And I really died! VitaLoss worked for me, and it can work for you, too.

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