adBlockCheck

I Love Being a Hostage

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!

Now, I know what you must be thinking: "She's off her feed! No one could possibly love being a hostage!" Well, I'm proof that there's more to being a hostage than just midnight beatings and terse videotaped confessions. There's perks the likes of which you wouldn't believe!

For example, I have learned another language while I have been detained (or "lovingly retained," as I like to say). I can say "yes" and "no," and renounce my imperialist upbringing—all in Arabic! Also, thanks to a daily diet of gruel, bread and sour milk, I've finally lost those extra 15 pounds I've been trying for years to shed.

I came to this fascinating country just for a visit. Goodness, I must have looked like Sally Tourist, what with all the luggage and cameras and such. We were taking a bus tour, when all of a sudden we were attacked by angry-looking men waving big guns over their heads. Oh, it was a fright. My husband, Dale, tried to stop them, but they shot him in the gut. Dale always was a hasty fool.

Anyway, they threw a bag over my head, bound my wrists with nylon cord, and dragged me to their van. It was all so exciting. I started giggling like a schoolgirl, but they punched me in the nose and barked at me in broken English to shut up. Other than that, I couldn't understand a word they were saying, but my! It certainly seemed terribly important.

This may all seem terrible, but let me tell you that you haven't lived until you've traveled the back roads of Patzookistan in the trunk of a car. I thought Valley Fair was exciting, but this ride took the cake!

In the U.S., I was an overlooked mid-level bureaucrat. People would take me for granted as I filled out the forms that kept the machinery of county government oiled and running smoothly. Now, I am an international bargaining chip. The fate of countless lives depends on my health, well-being and continued confinement. I'm no longer merely Katherine Halberd, interdepartmental claims adjudicator. I'm Katherine Halberd, hostage!

As I understand it, my hosts are holding me until the U.S. releases some prisoners. Well, I certainly hope those prisoners are having as much fun as I am.

Would you believe I even got a chance to appear on television? With all the cue cards, cameras and lights, I felt just like Kathie Lee Gifford. I was so excited, it took nine takes before I was beaten to a point where I didn't look happy. But even though my nose was spurting buckets of acrid blood and my knees were visibly cracked to bend the wrong way, I was smiling on the inside as I read off a list of atrocities committed by American infidels. Land sakes, they almost have me believing all their angry talk!

Sadly, I understand there are negotiations afoot to try and free me. I warn you, President Bush (or whoever is president now): Should you make me return to the U.S., I will only turn around and travel to some other international hot-spot, where I will flaunt my American traits until I am recaptured.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close