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WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

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WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

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WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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I Make The Best Spaghetti

Who's ready for some of my world-famous spaghetti? You're going to love it, because I am a seriously excellent cook. Just ask anyone who knows me.

A lot of guys don't know how to cook, because they look at it as women's work. That's a totally sexist attitude to have, though, because all the world's best chefs are men.

Whenever I invite friends from work over for my famous spaghetti, they always rave about it. Lori and Debra love to joke about how I'm going to make somebody a great husband someday. There are a lot of other things I know how to make, too, like the best cheeseburgers and my extra-special macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas. I also make the world's greatest tacos. It's become sort of a football-season tradition for the guys to come over and watch the game and eat my amazing tacos complete with lettuce, sour cream, and grated cheddar cheese.

But even with all that other stuff I can cook, it's my spaghetti that's the real masterpiece. I've often thought about opening my own Italian restaurant. Maybe someday I will. Lucky for you, though, I'm going to tell you my amazing recipe right now. You might think that making really good spaghetti isn't worth the trouble, especially when you could just heat up some frozen crap in no time flat. But let me tell you, it totally is.

And now for the recipe.

To make great spaghetti, you have to start with the best tomatoes. Get a big jar of Prego spaghetti sauce. One time, I got some generic brand labeled "tomato paste" because it was less expensive, but it didn't have any flavor at all. The spaghetti was ruined. So trust me, don't get some shitty generic brand. Get Prego.

Once you've got your sauce, put it in a pan and set it to simmer. Then, add a can of mushrooms. After that, take a green pepper and an onion and cut them up into little pieces. Put those in the pan and let it all simmer for about 20 minutes. Adding all this stuff will cause the sauce to stop bubbling, but don't worry: After a few minutes, it will start bubbling again.

Cook up about a pound of hamburger in a frying pan. Now, for my secret ingredient: Add a spoonful of garlic salt to the hamburger. You can find garlic salt in the spice section of any good supermarket. Stir all of this into the spaghetti sauce. Julia Child, eat your heart out!

At this point, the only thing left to do is put some spaghetti and a spoonful of salt into a pot of boiling water. I always use Creamette. It's the kind in the green box. There's nothing in the world like freshly made pasta! Just ask the Italians.

Speaking of Italians, I've got a love tip for all you guys out there. Having a girl over for dinner is the slickest move you can make. And if you want to make it a really special night, while shopping for the spaghetti ingredients, get a loaf of French bread and a container of Parmesan cheese. A good supermarket will have all different sizes of Parmesan cans. The one to get, though, is one with a dial on top for pouring out just the right amount.

If you really want to "set the mood," though, get a bottle of wine. Red wine is for red foods like steak and tomato sauce, and white wine is for white things like fish and plain spaghetti. So what color should you get if you're putting red sauce over white spaghetti? Red. This is because when you're mixing dark foods and light, you always want to go with the darker-color wine.

Sometimes, for a special romantic dinner for two, I'll throw a sheet over the coffee table and have us sit on the floor as we eat. Hopefully, you saved the wine bottle from the last girl you had over, because it makes a really sharp-looking candleholder. For a real classy touch, classical music is a great idea, too. I recommend The Best Of Mozart–it's a totally killer disc.

For dessert, buy a carton of gelato. It's like ice cream, only it's fancier. Italians eat it all the time. If you do this, you are guaranteed to get laid.

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