I Make The Best Spaghetti

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Vol 36 Issue 35

Congolese Civil War Buff Fights In Civil War

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO–Jean-Pierre Uyoya, a longtime Congolese Civil War enthusiast, was excited to enlist in the Congolese Liberation Movement army Monday. "I can't wait to participate in my first Civil War enactment," said Uyoya, polishing up his authentic 1999-era Uzi. "I've been a huge Congolese Civil War buff ever since it started in 1997." On Friday, Uyoya's army unit will march north for a historically accurate ambush of the Hutu-controlled village of Gemena.

Early-Morning Jogger Pities Everyone Still Sleeping

OCEANSIDE, CA–During her daily four-mile, 5 a.m. run, jogger Andrea Kallen expressed pity for all the people still in their soft, warm beds Tuesday. "I cannot understand how anyone would choose to be conked out during the most glorious time of the entire day," said Kallen, 25, straining up a hill as the sky turned from a dark cobalt blue to purple. "I feel so bad for all those poor people who are missing out on this just to get an extra four or five hours of sleep."

Eighth-Grader Drinks At Twelfth-Grade Level

CARLSBAD, NM–Joshua Halley, an eighth-grader at Millvale Middle School, consumes alcohol at a 12th-grade level, sources reported Monday. "This precocious youngster shows a drinking aptitude far beyond that of the average 13-year-old," Millvale principal Charles Meckler said. "Beer, wine, vodka, whiskey–Joshua can handle them all." Meckler said that upon high-school graduation, Halley can expect a full scholarship from his choice of the nation's top party schools.

Area Man Could Have Sworn Randy Newman Sang Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

SPRINGFIELD, MO–Television viewer Michael Grigg was stunned to learn Monday that Lovin' Spoonful frontman John Sebastian, not Randy Newman, composed and sang the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. "Seriously? John Sebastian?" Grigg said upon being informed by friend Brian Richards while watching the popular '70s sitcom on Nick At Nite. "God, I would have bet money that it was Randy Newman. Especially with the piano and everything." Added an incredulous Grigg: "You have to admit, it sounds a lot more like 'Short People' than 'Do You Believe In Magic?'"

Fame Sexually Transmitted

LONDON–Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday. "It would appear that Mr. Ritchie, a previously obscure director with just two films to his credit, has become famous through sexual contact with Madonna," Dr. Ian Woolsey-Lodge said. "As a fame carrier himself, he now can be found on Entertainment Tonight and in People magazine, even when not with Madonna." Woolsey-Lodge said Ritchie forever runs the risk of any future offspring being born famous.

Bush Vows To Do 'That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better'

BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt reduction for every $1 used for tax cuts, George W. Bush vowed to do "that thing Gore just said, only better" during Tuesday's presidential debate. "Yeah, that debt thing," the Republican candidate said during his allotted 90-second rebuttal. "I'm going to do that, but, like, 10 times better." Bush added that, as president, he would "do all that stuff Gore said about education and the environment, but my version would work twice as good."

The Abortion Pill

Last week, the FDA approved the controversial French abortion pill RU-486, permitting non-surgical abortions in the U.S. for the first time and sparking protest from pro-life advocates. What do you think?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I Make The Best Spaghetti

Who's ready for some of my world-famous spaghetti? You're going to love it, because I am a seriously excellent cook. Just ask anyone who knows me.

A lot of guys don't know how to cook, because they look at it as women's work. That's a totally sexist attitude to have, though, because all the world's best chefs are men.

Whenever I invite friends from work over for my famous spaghetti, they always rave about it. Lori and Debra love to joke about how I'm going to make somebody a great husband someday. There are a lot of other things I know how to make, too, like the best cheeseburgers and my extra-special macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas. I also make the world's greatest tacos. It's become sort of a football-season tradition for the guys to come over and watch the game and eat my amazing tacos complete with lettuce, sour cream, and grated cheddar cheese.

But even with all that other stuff I can cook, it's my spaghetti that's the real masterpiece. I've often thought about opening my own Italian restaurant. Maybe someday I will. Lucky for you, though, I'm going to tell you my amazing recipe right now. You might think that making really good spaghetti isn't worth the trouble, especially when you could just heat up some frozen crap in no time flat. But let me tell you, it totally is.

And now for the recipe.

To make great spaghetti, you have to start with the best tomatoes. Get a big jar of Prego spaghetti sauce. One time, I got some generic brand labeled "tomato paste" because it was less expensive, but it didn't have any flavor at all. The spaghetti was ruined. So trust me, don't get some shitty generic brand. Get Prego.

Once you've got your sauce, put it in a pan and set it to simmer. Then, add a can of mushrooms. After that, take a green pepper and an onion and cut them up into little pieces. Put those in the pan and let it all simmer for about 20 minutes. Adding all this stuff will cause the sauce to stop bubbling, but don't worry: After a few minutes, it will start bubbling again.

Cook up about a pound of hamburger in a frying pan. Now, for my secret ingredient: Add a spoonful of garlic salt to the hamburger. You can find garlic salt in the spice section of any good supermarket. Stir all of this into the spaghetti sauce. Julia Child, eat your heart out!

At this point, the only thing left to do is put some spaghetti and a spoonful of salt into a pot of boiling water. I always use Creamette. It's the kind in the green box. There's nothing in the world like freshly made pasta! Just ask the Italians.

Speaking of Italians, I've got a love tip for all you guys out there. Having a girl over for dinner is the slickest move you can make. And if you want to make it a really special night, while shopping for the spaghetti ingredients, get a loaf of French bread and a container of Parmesan cheese. A good supermarket will have all different sizes of Parmesan cans. The one to get, though, is one with a dial on top for pouring out just the right amount.

If you really want to "set the mood," though, get a bottle of wine. Red wine is for red foods like steak and tomato sauce, and white wine is for white things like fish and plain spaghetti. So what color should you get if you're putting red sauce over white spaghetti? Red. This is because when you're mixing dark foods and light, you always want to go with the darker-color wine.

Sometimes, for a special romantic dinner for two, I'll throw a sheet over the coffee table and have us sit on the floor as we eat. Hopefully, you saved the wine bottle from the last girl you had over, because it makes a really sharp-looking candleholder. For a real classy touch, classical music is a great idea, too. I recommend The Best Of Mozart–it's a totally killer disc.

For dessert, buy a carton of gelato. It's like ice cream, only it's fancier. Italians eat it all the time. If you do this, you are guaranteed to get laid.

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