I Must Not Be Stolen

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Vol 35 Issue 29

Quake Claims 500 Hours

SAN FRANCISCO—Rescue workers are still searching frantically for any signs of unwasted time in the wreckage of high-school student Jeremy Fanshaw's life, following a devastating Quake game that claimed an estimated 500 hours of his time.

Local Mother Clips Article About Benefits Of Vitamin E

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In her most recent attempt to feel relevant and necessary in the life of her daughter, area retiree Frances Crandall clipped and mailed a Parade magazine article on the health benefits of Vitamin E to daughter Jennifer Reid of St. Paul, MN, Monday. "Jenny needs to see this," Crandall said. "She can use all the health information she can get, considering how active she is at the bank." In the past month, Crandall has mailed Reid two Reader's Digest articles, the Bill Cosby book Kids Say The Darndest Things, and a sock-drawer organizer that will "keep her socks from getting all mixed up." Crandall also telephoned Reid twice when the Weather Channel predicted rain in the Twin Cities area.

Dog Costumed To Create Illusion Of Sports-Team Preference

APPLETON, WI—Queenie, a 6-year-old Appleton golden retriever, was dressed in a manner making her appear partial to the Green Bay Packers Saturday, when owner Mike Modjieska stuffed the dog into a green-and-gold Packer T-shirt prior to the start of a preseason game against the New York Jets. "I'm a Packer Backer, my wife's a Packer Backer, and Queenie's the biggest Packer Backer of all," said Modjieska, filling Queenie's Green Bay Packers water dish. "I wouldn't own a dog that supported any other NFL team." Modjieska said Queenie's favorite players are Brett Favre, Mark Chmura and Antonio Freeman.

Cable-TV Judge Overruled By Network-TV Judge

NEW YORK—A pro-plaintiff decision by Judge Joseph Wapner of Animal Planet's "Animal Court" was overturned Monday upon appeal to Judge Joe Brown of the eponymous syndicated network program. "Although the general spirit of the law states that owners of dogs are responsible for their dogs' actions, there is clearly evidence of provocation on the victim's part," Brown wrote in his decision in the precedent-setting case "Dog Bites Man." "Now don't give me that eye." Losing plaintiff Oscar Croydon refused to concede defeat in the case, vowing, "I'll take this to the highest ratings bracket in the land if I have to."

Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card

FOSTER CITY, CA—In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus credit card Monday. "With its zero percent introductory interest rate, credit line of up to $500,000 and impressive 962º Celsius boiling point, Polonium Plus is the only choice for the discriminating shopper," said Visa scientist Dr. Andrew Manzanillo, one of the developers of the radioactive, no-fee card. "And with more isotopes than any other card, Polonium Plus isn't going to decay any time soon." Polonium cardholders who maintain a good credit record for three years will automatically be eligible for the inert Xenon Card, which comes in an attractive glass tube.

Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to go out with new soulmate Mandy Damrush.
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I Must Not Be Stolen

As many of you doubt-less know, my current situation is less than secure. I have, of late, been stolen no less than twice: Once, I was waylaid by Black Scarlet and Mr. Tin, and, more recently, I was abducted and abandoned deep within the bowels of my own 652-room mansion. To top it all off, Standish has fallen into a large fortune, giving me cause to doubt even his loyalty.

Needless to say, I am feeling less than safe. What is to prevent me from being stolen again? After all, I am confined day and night to my iron-lung, I can barely even move my head anymore, and I am so weak, I need Nurse Pin-head to perform even my most intimate wipings. I can hardly be asked to defend myself! True, many of my enemies are already dead, and I can avoid any in-house rebellion by having the bee-keeper strung up and flensed alive as an example to the other servants. But I have many cunning enemies who would love to make me the object of larceny.

What if that bastard Hearst took it into his head to steal me and display me in that fairy-castle he's building in California? What if the Irish send that ruffian Wolfe Tone to ferret me away to guarantee the cooperation of the Prussian government? The prospect is too much to bear!

Knowing I can still trust my Swiss Guard, I summoned the captain into my bed-chamber and commanded that he make me secure against theft. He took only a moment to reflect before blowing a mighty fan-fare on his great trumpet, summoning his corps of sappers. One of these burly Nordics held an oddly shaped black and red stick, seemingly wrought of lacquered iron, which he proceeded to fasten across my face.

"This device is known as The Club, your eminence, and it will hold you fast against thievery," said the guard-captain, ignoring the mad rolling of my eyes. I attempted to speak, but the damned Club had pinned my tongue against my false iron molars! "Only I have the key, and I will keep it safe against treachery, releasing The Club only for your cleansing and twice-yearly shitting." And with that, they saluted and goose-stepped out of the room.

Damn those Swiss! I am now trapped in my death-bed by a pot-metal rod, the circulation to my head is being restricted, and I feel no safer than before. Also, my jaw has fallen off one of its hinges. Help! Someone! Get this Club off of me!

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