I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Look, I was just wonderin' if y'all could help me out. Y'all look like you're havin' a good time, and I don't want to be intrudin' or anything like that, but I'm in a real situation here. See, the problem is, I'm out of gas. I was tryin' to get to Detroit. I just came off the highway. In fact, my baby's in the car over there. We're just trying to get to Detroit, and we ran out of gas and we just need a buck-fifty to fill it up. We got eight dollars. We just a little short.

Okay, okay, I see. That's no problem. It's just that we're a little short and just need a dollar-fifty. Yeah, see, we're lookin' to catch a bus to Detroit. The bus ticket's 35 dollars. We got $33.50. We just need another buck-fifty to get the ticket. What do you say you help us out a little bit?

Look, we need a new engine. It's gonna cost my baby 'n' me 545 dollars. We got $543.50. We just need another dollar-fifty so we can pay the man, get the engine installed and get on our way to Detroit. No problem.

I know times are tough all over the U.S. of A. Shit, I'm tryin' real hard to pick myself up. You gotta have a little sympathy for a brother. No? Not tonight? Say, that's cool. I understand. Okay, well, you have yourself a real good evening, you hear? God bless you. Uh-huh.

Say, wait up. Check this out. Do you know anybody needs a fan? I got one of them big square plug-'em-in type fans right over there around the corner—just, like, a block or maybe three blocks up Third Street. I could let you have it real cheap. I'll give it to you for a buck-fifty. You want to go look at it right now? It's just over behind Taco Grande. It's with some of my other belongings. I keep some stuff over there. You sure you don't want it? Okay, 'cause I'm just sayin'. It's a good fan.

Tell you what. I got something else for you. This here's a gift. I ain't asking for nothing for this. You don't owe me shit, you understand? It's a cassette type of tape. Here, let me get it out for you. Now, it's a little mussed up on the outside, but that's just 'cause it got played so much. It's real good. It's... Let me see here, it's kinda rubbed off... Creedence Clearance Rev—and this here's their greatest hits, it says. Here, you all can take that with you. That's a gift from me to you. No strings attached.

So, do you think you'll be able to spare a dollar-fifty today? Damn, I mean, it's gettin' cold and shit out here and I got to get my ass back to Detroit, 'cause I'm too damned old to be this freakin' cold, you hear what I'm saying? Shit.

Hey, you don't have to be gettin' an attitude with me, brother. Just go on, then. I ain't looking for no trouble. I'm just tryin' to talk all friendly with you and all of a sudden you got this attitude all up in my face. Who you think you are, President of the United States? Well, I don't think so, 'cause I don't see no Secret Service or no limousines or shit all up in here.

Go on, just walk down the street. I don't need this shit, you getting an attitude all up in my face.

Hey, you. Yeah, you, in the brown coat. Come on over here. I just take a second. I gotta ask you somethin'. Come over here! Okay, I'll come over there.

Mr. Barnett's column, I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit, is syndicated by Reuters News Service and appears weekly in 265 newspapers across the country.

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