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I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions: Day And Night

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions: Day And Night

Damn.

Baby, since you've been gone, Smoove B just hasn't been the same. I must admit to you, I miss your loving. Since you left, I have been unable to erase the memories of you from my mind. Day and night, I dream of you. I dream of all the wonderful moments we shared together. I dream that one day, I will enjoy the privilege and pleasure of grooving you once again.

Aw, baby. I want to invite you back to my apartment and make a special night for you. I want you to lay back and let Smoove B make everything all right again. I want to make you a gourmet meal and serve it to you on only the finest chinaware. We will enjoy wine and candlelight, and I will make roast duck or pheasant, or some such meal that is fine. Only the finest meal is fit for my baby. There will be gravy also.

I will hand-spoon the meal into your sweet mouth. Every bite. And I won't rush you. I will not present you with another bite until after you are completely done with the one you are on at that time. I would never rush you, sugar.

I believe that after I prepare this superb meal for you, you will come back to me. You will forgive me for all the wrong I've done you. I know you will. Because I am truly sorry for all those things I did to you. And I am deeply sorry for all the things I said to you. You know I didn't mean any of it. Smoove B will love you with all of his heart and for all of eternity.

Damn, I just want to get freaky with you right now. Right this second. Do it to me.

The only time Smoove B is ever happy is when he is thinking of you. Don't you see, baby? I can't live without you.

When I am thinking about you, I am thinking about sprinkling the floor of your home with rose petals. Then I want to put on your favorite Jodeci tape and dance with you real slow. Then I want to slowly pull your clothes off your smooth, sexy body and move you onto the floor. Then, I want to get on top of you and love you all night long.

And you know, girl, when Smoove B says he will love you all night long, he means all night long. From the onset of night to the break of dawn. I will not sleep until you are satisfied. I will attend to your every desire. I am not concerned with my own happiness whatsoever. I will rub scented jasmine lotion all over your naked body. I will wrap you in satin sheets and hold you. I will strip for you.

Baby, I just want to be your everything. I will make it my sole mission in life to be your servant. And I will not stop pleasing you until the day I die. I will also give you love during that time.

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