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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions: Day And Night

Damn.

Baby, since you've been gone, Smoove B just hasn't been the same. I must admit to you, I miss your loving. Since you left, I have been unable to erase the memories of you from my mind. Day and night, I dream of you. I dream of all the wonderful moments we shared together. I dream that one day, I will enjoy the privilege and pleasure of grooving you once again.

Aw, baby. I want to invite you back to my apartment and make a special night for you. I want you to lay back and let Smoove B make everything all right again. I want to make you a gourmet meal and serve it to you on only the finest chinaware. We will enjoy wine and candlelight, and I will make roast duck or pheasant, or some such meal that is fine. Only the finest meal is fit for my baby. There will be gravy also.

I will hand-spoon the meal into your sweet mouth. Every bite. And I won't rush you. I will not present you with another bite until after you are completely done with the one you are on at that time. I would never rush you, sugar.

I believe that after I prepare this superb meal for you, you will come back to me. You will forgive me for all the wrong I've done you. I know you will. Because I am truly sorry for all those things I did to you. And I am deeply sorry for all the things I said to you. You know I didn't mean any of it. Smoove B will love you with all of his heart and for all of eternity.

Damn, I just want to get freaky with you right now. Right this second. Do it to me.

The only time Smoove B is ever happy is when he is thinking of you. Don't you see, baby? I can't live without you.

When I am thinking about you, I am thinking about sprinkling the floor of your home with rose petals. Then I want to put on your favorite Jodeci tape and dance with you real slow. Then I want to slowly pull your clothes off your smooth, sexy body and move you onto the floor. Then, I want to get on top of you and love you all night long.

And you know, girl, when Smoove B says he will love you all night long, he means all night long. From the onset of night to the break of dawn. I will not sleep until you are satisfied. I will attend to your every desire. I am not concerned with my own happiness whatsoever. I will rub scented jasmine lotion all over your naked body. I will wrap you in satin sheets and hold you. I will strip for you.

Baby, I just want to be your everything. I will make it my sole mission in life to be your servant. And I will not stop pleasing you until the day I die. I will also give you love during that time.

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