adBlockCheck

I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures

Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of vigor, because this day is unlike any other, and it is full of potential. There's a phrase in Latin that summarizes my philosophy of life: Carpe diem. Seize the day. While that may seem a little extreme to some, mark my words, it is a recipe for success. Provided you take into consideration the accelerated depreciation your assets will accrue over time, as marked by said day being seized.

Now I know that there are some naysayers out there who think that you can't be too careful, but I say throw caution to the wind! Life's too short not to make the most of every day. If making the most of every day means that you have to work Saturday to make sure you meet your fiduciary duties that have been established in advance, I say, live it up!

No second guesses, no regrets, and no investments in mortgage-backed securities or collateralized debt obligations (CDOs) in order to minimize indirect exposure to subprime securities.

This brings to mind one of my Primary Life Guidelines: Always make sure you take the time to smell the roses, provided that you pay the fair market value for those roses and keep the receipt so you can add it to your year-end deductions. Or better yet, wait until you chance upon a vendor who allows you to smell those roses without having to invest any capital in perishable overhead. If you can, always let the other guy take the risk. That way you can savor the benefit without having possible losses looming over your head.

And nothing smells sweeter than a rose that substantially lowers your adjusted gross income.

When you're drawing up your monthly budget, make sure to set aside a little something for yourself. You work hard. Why not enjoy it? Buy that tax-deductible work expense you've had your eye on. Take the afternoon off to go to a trade show, or spend some of your hard-earned money buying a new accordion file. Go ahead. And while you're out there living life to the fullest, why not take a client out to a ball game and keep all your receipts?

Once a certified internal auditor has gone over your books to make sure you will have the cash flow necessary to do so, shoot for the stars!

Life can go by quickly, and if you're not careful, it will be gone before you have a chance to enjoy diversifying your assets into stocks, stock mutual funds, corporate and municipal bonds, bond mutual funds, international funds, cash equities, exchange-traded funds, life-cycle funds, and U.S. Treasury securities. And the last thing you need is to be unprepared when one of life's little audits comes out of nowhere and derails your hopes and dreams. So take my advice: Cross your t's, dot your i's, and fill out each daily expenditure form as if it's your last.

That's why, in my opinion, you should never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. That is bold advice, and you should take it to heart. Look at your children. They're getting bigger every day and, before you know it, you won't be able to claim them as dependents anymore. See your son's school picture over there, sitting on top of those tax forms? Well, they certainly aren't going to fill themselves out, are they?

I say double-, even triple-check them, because any job worth doing is worth doing right. And when you're finished, take a moment to tuck your son into bed and ask him how his soccer game was. You'll feel ten thousand feet tall when he tells you he scored the winning goal and finally asked his coach about carpooling to practice to reduce your yearly expenditures on fuel for nondeductible recreational purposes by nearly one-sixth.

Seeing the joy in his eyes will make the accrued yearly costs of his overhead, upkeep, education, medical insurance, and miscellaneous expenses seem almost worthwhile.

Remember that, in the end, you only have one life. That life is like a spreadsheet. Fill it out as accurately and thoroughly as possible. Set aside one column for your itemized deductions. Take time to accurately declare your income in another. Make every row count. And always, always subtract any and all applicable fees related to tax-planning advice as a miscellaneous expense, as long as the fees exceed 2 percent of your yearly AGI.

Now get out there and start considering early estate planning!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close