I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me

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Food

Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Food

Outback

I Shall Scramble Two With Bacon When The Muse Moves Me

Waitress! Take this plate of corned-beef hash and waffles, and spirit it to its appointed table posthaste. Hash and waffles must be served hot, and I will not have my latest masterpiece of short-order cookery spoiled by your sluggishness.

What of the remainder of this order, you ask? The bacon and eggs? I do not have these yet, for inspiration has not struck. No, I will not "just make it." I shall scramble two with bacon when the muse moves me—and not one second before.

I will not consider cracking the egg and pouring forth its contents until blessed inspiration takes hold of my stainless-steel spatula. And before this has any chance of happening, I must first clear my mind of all distractions: the screeching of waitresses, the relentless blare of Van Halen emanating from the dishroom, even the very sizzle of my grill. The universe must be reduced to its two essentials: me and the egg. No matter how many tickets await my attention, I must give the egg all the time it needs.

Once cracked, the egg poses myriad questions. Does one add 2 percent, whole milk, or skim milk to create the delightfully fluffy peaks? Or does one put in no milk at all, the better to capture the egg in all its raw, undiluted beauty? Does one forego salt and pepper in favor of a more exotic spice such as coriander? As you can see, a scram with bacon is not as simple as it seems.

What know you of the artistic process? Did Rodin create his great works of sculpture by throwing rocks at marble? No, he crafted each piece with a loving touch. So, too, must one treat the egg and the fruit of the pig.

I have kept a close eye on you, Barb Guyton. I have watched as your oafish, club-like feet drag my precious creations to the table or counter, only to carelessly dump them in front of the customer with no consideration for the loving craft with which they were made. Perhaps you would be more reverent with my egg-and-sausage breakfast sandwiches if you took the time to watch as I forged them atop my blazing grill. But whenever the offer is made, you find it more important to top off someone's decaf. So be it.

To whom do you think you are talking? Do you not realize that I am the man whose six-month stint at Egg Harbor's omelette station is the stuff of legend? Lines would snake around the entire breakfast buffet, reaching the awed and envious cook at the formerly popular ham-slicing station on the other end. I could have remained a star there for the rest of my life, but I chose to move on and continue my quest for perfection, underappreciated as it may be by the likes of you.

I have paid my dues. I have put in the years of grueling practice necessary to become a master. I have gone through my "experimental" phases: double-poaching the egg, pre-salting the grill, and substituting chorizo for the common breakfast sausage. Working the morning shift here at Phil's Grill may be a job to you, but it's much more than that to me. And I will not allow my vision to be compromised by someone who is only in it for the money.

What's that? Yes, I'm sure Carl was much easier to work with. But Carl is not fit to defrost the wheat bread for toast, much less prepare a Denver omelette. Your beloved Carl would not have lasted a minute under the stern tutelage of my mentor, Greg Frankenheimer, a man whose memory still makes me ache with thousands of remembered blows for less-than-perfect Eggs Benedict. No, I think Carl would be better served giving up short-order cooking and working at a car wash than to have the burden of perfection placed on his sloped, insufficient shoulders.

I am The Gus, and don't you forget it. Now be gone, woman, and let me contemplate my scrambling in peace.

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