I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.
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I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation

Oh, man, I have been seriously short of funds lately. Working security at Rite Aid for $6.55 an hour is just not cutting it the way it used to. But I'm not worried, because last night, as I was standing there staring at the rows of shampoo bottles and disposable razors, the answer hit me: I should start some sort of huge corporation!

Those big companies pull in some serious cash. I'm talking billions and trillions of dollars every year. Even better, those guys don't even have to pay any taxes. They just write it all off as a business expense, and the government doesn't even mind, because it's happy for the jobs they create. It's true. Read the papers.

The question is, what kind of company should I start? Something like Rite Aid would actually be pretty good. That'd be easy money. All they do is take a bunch of products somebody else already made and put them on shelves and charge more for them than they paid. Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Best Buy... shit, all those companies make a ton of dough without actually manufacturing anything themselves!

If I ran this Rite Aid and all the other ones across the country, I could be making money every time someone walked out with a pack of cigarettes. Better yet, I could make even more money by being the company that sells Rite Aid the cigarettes. That's all Philip Morris does, and they pull in, like, $8,000 trillion a year. Pretty sweet gig, huh?

Know what else would be a good thing to start? One of those pharmaceutical companies. They don't make huge things, but they make a ton of money because you get a million people taking expensive little pills and that adds up really fast. All you gotta do is think up one good drug that no one else is making, and you're set. How 'bout Sniffloban, an anti-sneezant? See, I just made that up right there! Now, all I need is to find a scientist to make the pills, write him a check for, oh, $10,000 for his troubles, and my corporation keeps all the profits.

I'm guessing those phone companies do pretty good business, too. There's AT&T, Verizon, and Sprint, just to name a few. I'd call mine something that sounds all big and impressive. Like SuperGlobalTelCom. Or maybe something with some of the letters changed, like FoneKorp.

That would definitely work. But to really make big money, you need to find out what people want these days and then do that. For example, you wouldn't want to start a company that makes VHS tapes, because VHS tapes are on the way out. Digital is the future. So I could call my company Digicorp and make digital stuff, like equipment and media stuff and such. That'd be cool.

But how would I know if Digicorp is the right name? I'd get a bunch of people in a room and say, "What do you think the company should be called?" Rule Number One: Get a good name, and you're halfway there. Have you ever heard of TECO Energy, Baker Hughes, or Medtronic? No. Those are weak names, and that's why those companies are at the bottom of the Fortune 500. Now, have you heard of AllState, American Express, and Ford? Of course. These companies are making an assload of money, and a lot of that is due to name recognition.

Speaking of name recognition, ever hear of IBM? How about Apple? Microsoft? Of course you have. That's because they're all high-tech, and high-tech is hot right now. Anything with technology—computers, TVs, surgical equipment—we're talking green machine, baby. Those companies are successful because they keep coming up with new stuff. If you give people something new, something they haven't seen before, they'll want to buy it.

So, Rule Number Two is: Give people something new. Break out of the mold. The first time someone came out with an eye-laser machine, I'm sure people said, "What the fuck? You want to stick a laser in people's eyes? Nobody's gonna want that." But the guy stuck to his guns, and now Lasik is huge. I see ads for them all over the place.

They say it takes money to make money. So anything that has to do with money is probably a pretty good bet. John Hancock Financial, Wachovia, Wells Fargo, Fannie Mae, Citigroup—those are all huge corporations that make giant profits just by moving money around from place to place. You just loan out money to people, and they give it back with interest. Then you have even more money to loan out to other people. Talk about a racket!

I still haven't decided what my corporation will be, but I do know one thing: Whatever it is, I'm going international with it. That's how you really make the serious dough. You get a bunch of factories set up all over the world and start selling your product in 100 or so countries. This is called "expanding into other markets," and it's the easiest way to sell stuff. People in India, for example, will take anything because they're so poor and desperate. A guy in India will buy the shittiest washer-dryer in all of America. Same goes for shitty cars in Russia. Or shitty watches in Thailand. Hell, you can release the world's worst movie, like Armageddon or whatever, in those poor countries, and they'll eat it up, because it's better than whatever they can get there. So you don't have to worry so much about having high standards of quality when you're selling to foreigners, which is nice.

Man, when my company is up and running, it's gonna be so sweet. I'll just sit there and boss everybody around all day from my luxury penthouse office on the top floor of my corporate headquarters. That's definitely gonna beat busting kids for shoplifting Twizzlers.

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