I Simply Refuse To Look At Catalogs Anymore!

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Vol 32 Issue 07

Airline Food Under Fire From Area Comedian

ROYAL OAK, MI—The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. "How about that chicken breast? It tastes like Wayne Gretzky ought to be shooting it on goal," said Campanelli, publicly blasting the food served by major air carriers in a speech delivered at the House O' Yuks in Royal Oak. "Guys," added Campanelli, addressing the nation's pilots, "you've got the planes. Fly in some fresh ingredients!" No airline has yet issued a response.

Sales Disappointing For First-Ever Hustler Swimsuit Issue

LOS ANGELES—Spokespersons for Larry Flynt Publications are scrambling to explain the poor sales of Hustler magazine's first annual swimsuit issue, crammed from cover to cover with beautiful young women modeling the latest sexy swimwear. "We are utterly baffled," LFP public relations director Kenneth Micklos said of the issue, which sold 17 newsstand copies nationwide. "Our readership demographic is overwhelmingly heterosexual and male, with a strong interest in looking at beautiful women. It's a mystery."

Rwanda Gets Plant

KIGALI, RWANDA—Wracked by years of famine and political unrest, Rwanda bought a plant in an effort to "brighten things up."

U.S. Agriculture Secretary: 'Aw, Let's Not Do Farming Anymore'

DES MOINES, IA—Citing the massive economic woes plaguing the nation's farmers and the severe physical hardship of farming itself, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman announced Monday that he would like to "forget about the whole farming thing altogether."

Local Dad Gets This Show On The Road

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area husband and father of three Ed Minton strongly urged his family to get this show on the road Friday. "Let's go, let's go, let's go," said Minton, eager to get his wife and children into their Dodge Caravan and begin a "super-duper fun" family weekend getaway. After a 40-minute delay, the show finally got on the road at approximately 2 p.m., when Minton's wife and children finally decided to chop-chop.

Bluesman Announces 12-Bar Delay In Bringing It On Home

CHICAGO—Area bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson announced plans late Saturday to extend his rendition of the Robert Johnson standard "Dust My Broom" by an additional 12 bars before recapitulating the chorus and bringing it on home.

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!
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I Simply Refuse To Look At Catalogs Anymore!

I realize I'm not the only person in the world with credit-card debt, but I just about died of shock when I got my bill last month. Where does the money all go? I won't get too deep into specifics, but let's just say I must be one of the CEO of MasterCard's favorite people!

Well, one thing's for sure: From now on, all the catalogs that are mailed to my house are going straight into the trash. On last month's bill, I had about $175 in charges from Fingerhut alone! But I just had to have that Cuisine Supreme cutlery set! True, I don't cook very often. (I like to say that Rick and I have our own private chef—Chef Boyardee!) But I was thinking of starting to cook again, since it would save a lot of money in the long run.

Anyway, here's only a partial list of the catalogs I receive (Get ready!): JCPenney, Fingerhut (as I mentioned), Spiegel, Lillian Vernon, Chadwick's, Clifford & Willis, Pottery Barn, Precious Moments, The Pampered Chef, that one discount pantyhose and underwear catalog, Land's End, Crate & Barrel, Tupperware, this one catalog with the most darling home furnishings and knick-knacks whose name I always forget, L.L. Bean, and many, many more. It's crazy, I know!

And I get some of the most ridiculous catalogs too. Like Victoria's Secret. Now, how in the world would I fit into any of their lingerie? I even called them once and said, "Look, I order all my underwear from the Just My Size catalog, which, unlike yours, offers the 'pretty-plus' sizes I need. You're just wasting time and postage sending me Victoria's Secret, so why don't you take me off your mailing list?" But the representative on the line just acted like I was nuts, and I'm still getting it to this day. I mean, how many times do I have to have Tyra Banks and all those other anorexic models shoved in my face? (There is one big fan of Victoria's Secret in the Teasdale household, though: hubby Rick. As far as he's concerned, they can keep sending those catalogs until the end of time!)

But as fed up as I am with mail-order catalogs, sometimes I just can't help myself. For example, there's this one catalog I receive called Horsin' Around, which is for horse owners. Now, the only horse I've ever ridden in my entire life was this little shetland pony at the Waynesboro County Fair when I was six, but I just love horses! They're so beautiful, and they represent freedom! Anyway, Horsin' Around was offering this hooked floor rug with a wild mustang on it, and I happen to have this really gorgeous print of wild mustangs galloping across a beach hanging in the living room, and I knew they'd go so perfectly together. I have to admit that even though it did cost $49.95, that rug was one of the best impulse purchases I have ever made. (Unfortunately, soon after I bought it, Rick dripped some mustard smack dab on one of the horse's nostrils. To this day, you can still see the stain, even though I tried and tried to get it out. I just can't have anything nice around the house!)

Another time, at work, a gift catalog arrived, and it had one of those set-ups where you can only get an item if you buy it in lots of three or more; that way you save money. Two of my girlfriends each wanted to buy a little wooden country-style rocking chair for their kids, and I wanted to get this Green Bay Packers afghan. But the rocking chair was just so cute, I couldn't resist! I figured that eventually Rick and I will be having kids, and I can hold on to the chair in the meantime. I placed it in a corner of our bedroom and sat an oversized teddy bear in it!

By the way, I did tell hubby Rick about my plan to stop buying from catalogs. "About friggin' time," he said. (He actually said something not quite so nice, but I refuse to stoop to his level of profanity.)

But for all his griping, Rick is certainly no stranger to catalog shopping himself. In fact, he's often worse than me! He's always ordering stuff for that run-down old Chevy pickup of his from the J.C. Whitney catalog—things like chrome wheelguards, bedliners, Jeff Gordon mudflaps, and those "Bad Boy" rear-window decals. He thinks he's making his truck look sharp, but to everyone else it looks like he's just putting a nice dress on an ugly old sow! At least I'm buying things that beautify our home, like this cute little wooden memo pad and pen holder I got from last month's Gift Shed catalog.

But I promised to turn over a new leaf, and I will. Those catalogs are going straight to the trash from now on! Well, I guess I'll still occasionally skim through a few of the ones I really like, just in case there's something I absolutely must have. For example, there's this tea cozy in this one kitchenware catalog that's just adorable! It's shaped like a little gargoyle who's crouching over the teapot underneath, as if to say, "Back off, buster!" (Where do they come up with these things?) But after that, I'm drawing the line, and I mean it! Jean's honor!

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