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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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I Slapped A Crying Child And Called Him A Nigger And I’m The Bad Guy?

I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying that air travel can be stressful. Crowded flights rarely bring out the best in people, and that’s why common courtesy is so important. If you’ve ever been on a plane where a parent blatantly disregards that courtesy and lets her little black kid cry his lungs out in the seat next to you, then you’ve probably been pretty aggravated, much as I was on a recent flight to Atlanta. And yet somehow—don’t ask me how—for some reason I’ve come out of this whole episode as the bad guy. Yes, me. You know, as if that makes any sense at all.

Why? Oh, because apparently slapping a little nigger baby and telling him to shut up makes you some kind of monster in this day and age. Go figure.

Seriously, though, explain to me how I come out of this one looking like “the villain.” What was I doing wrong? Sitting in my seat, drinking my alcohol, and minding my own business? I acted like a normal human being, and now I’m being vilified. Look, I have all the sympathy in the world for parents traveling with young children. I know it’s no picnic. But if you can’t get your child to behave, then I’m sorry, steps need to be taken. I mean, am I missing something here?

And man, you wouldn’t believe the looks I got after I hit that nigger kid. Seriously, they were looking at me like I just totally lost my shit. Like I’d been the one crying, ruining the flight for everyone! No joke, these people turned on me so quick. On me! The good guy in this situation! It was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen in my life: An airplane full of people looked at a screaming colored kid, and then looked at me—the guy who hit the kid, mind you—and they all decide to side with the colored kid. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes.

Are you telling me if you were sitting next to this screeching little tar baby, you wouldn’t slap him? Or at least call him a nigger and just tell him to shut up? Well, if you have that kind of restraint, then way to go, Mother Teresa! Good for you. But I think the rest of us mortals would have done exactly the same thing. And again, what exactly was wrong about what I did? That’s right, nothing! I was doing the right thing! I was making the flight better for everyone!

In fact, why am I even explaining myself here? The nigger kid was and is the bad guy! Has everyone gone crazy or something?

And, look, obviously that cunt flight attendant had it out for me from the beginning, so I can see how she might have turned a few of the passengers against me, especially the other niggers. Still, you would think a few of the non-nigger and non-cunt passengers on board would have come to their senses and defended me. Nope. Not one of them did. So now I got this negro kid bawling in one ear, a shrill cunt clucking in the other, and 60 people looking at me like I’m Attila the Hun. I know, right? It makes no sense.

I lost my job over this, you know. I got fired. Until a few days ago, I was president of AGC’s Unitech Composites and Structures unit. Over 20 years of expert stewardship. But, oh, slap a nigger baby and suddenly two decades of loyalty and professionalism go up in smoke. Now I’m collecting welfare like a fucking spic. Can you even begin to wrap your mind around how retarded that is?

The thing that really kills me, though, is how unnecessary all this attention was. This whole thing wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand if the goddamned Jew-controlled media hadn’t slipped it into their 24-hour news cycle, the little faggots. That’s right, the greedy Jewish media vultures just swooped in and made sure that I looked like some kind of monster. Me: a decent, normal guy on his fifth bourbon, trying to enjoy his flight.

Well, now it’s all over and my life is ruined. I hope you’re all happy, folks, because the real tragedy of this whole unfortunate episode is that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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