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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

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GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

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I Spend Every Waking Moment Holding This Fragile Facade Of A Person Together, And I’ll Do The Same For America

America is in crisis, folks. The problems we face today have pushed us to a breaking point, and it’s going to take real leadership to keep this nation from falling apart completely. We’re in a lot of trouble, which means things will not be easy going forward. That’s why I want to be very direct with you about what my campaign is all about.

You see, I spend every moment of my life holding this delicate facade of a person together, and if I’m elected president, I promise to do the same thing for this country.

The America we know is slipping away, and it’s no wonder. Hardworking people have seen their jobs sent overseas, terrible acts of violence are being carried out on our streets every day, and our infrastructure is crumbling all around us. Meanwhile, our government is so dysfunctional that it can’t get anything done. This nation may be on the verge of total collapse, but then, so am I—and look how well I’ve hidden my own issues and insecurities behind a paper-thin veneer of wealth and success.

Seriously, who else is more qualified to help the United States project a false air of strength and prosperity to the world? It’s what I’ve been doing for myself every single day of my life.

Just like this country, I’m hanging on by the tiniest of threads, and I’ve been doing it for 70 years. It’s only through sheer force of will that I’m able, just barely, to keep my inner turmoil from spilling out, and instead maintain the appearance that I’m as confident as ever.

This is the expertise I have to offer to the American people.

Masking weakness, inadequacy, and failure is exactly what this country needs. America can’t afford to appear feeble or uncertain right now. With the looming threats of radical Islamic terrorism and economic competition from the Chinese, the last thing we need is for the rest of the world to see us struggling to keep ourselves going, day in and day out. Well, there’s no one on earth more experienced than I am at taking the kind of fear, self-doubt, and paranoia that racks our nation and pushing it out of sight beneath a fragile outer layer of bravado and self-assurance that is no more than skin-deep.

Seriously, who else is more qualified to help the United States project a false air of strength and prosperity to the world? It’s what I’ve been doing for myself every single day of my life.

I work tirelessly around the clock to somehow piece together the jumbled fragments of my psyche in such a way that I can function on a daily basis and give off the impression that I’m an unqualified success story. Think of how I can apply that same skill to all the messes we have with racial tension, economic stagnation, gun violence, inadequate health care, Wall Street greed, and everything else that’s plaguing our country. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you, “There’s a man who has spent his whole life teetering on the brink of a full-scale personal breakdown but amazingly appears as if he has things under control.” Folks, that’s the track record I would bring to the Oval Office: making America look powerful and unfazed even as it falls to pieces just underneath the surface.

Because at the end of the day, the social, political, and economic issues threatening to destroy this country aren’t so different from the psychological issues that keep me seconds away from losing it completely. Only someone with decades of experience manufacturing a grandiose public persona to conceal those issues can suppress America’s fears of impotence and mediocrity. Believe me, folks, there’s no grave challenge facing this nation that I can’t paper over and pretend doesn’t exist.

And once we’ve established that semblance of composure, we can take all the anger and aggression churning within our country and project it on the outside world. That’s always worked well for me.

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