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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist

If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist.

Like I always say, "Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets sexually assaulted!"

Here's a little friendly advice: Do not try to talk to me before I've had my 16 ounces of Brain Juice. I'll just mumble something unintelligible, rape you, and probably shoot you the dirtiest look you've ever seen, to boot. I can't help it!

But all it takes is one whiff of that first pot brewing, and I swear, it's like the clouds part, the sun comes out, and I don't feel like raping quite so much. That's when I give a Hallelujah and thank God, because the coffee's on its way and I do not want to spend any more time in a federal penitentiary!

Most days, I'm not even a functioning human being without my morning mug of French roast. I'm all "leave me alone, back off, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, I haven't had my coffee yet."

Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty big coffee drinker, too. I remember waking up early with my brothers and sisters to watch Saturday cartoons until Pops, like a mean old bear, came barreling down the stairs, growling for his coffee. And when he did, boy, you'd better believe we steered clear of him.

Otherwise we'd get the raping of our lives!

The thing is, I'm actually a pretty pleasant guy once I get past those morning mopeys. Talk to me any other time of day, and you'd never guess I'm someone who, without his cup of joe, will rape you repeatedly and without warning. But what can I say? I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist.

Lucky for me, the folks at my office are very understanding. It's quite the running joke among my coworkers, actually. "Whatever you do, don't get between Brett and his coffee, because he'll rape you if you do! He's literally raped everyone who's ever done that!"

It's true. My trusty java is the only thing that separates me from people who walk around like angry zombies and serially rape anyone within a quarter-mile radius.

You might say, "Brett, why don't you just give up coffee altogether?" I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Once. It lasted all of three hours and God knows how many rapes. In fact, I think it even made things worse! Just ask my poor assistant Lacy. And my project manager Dan. And the entire sales staff, everyone at the supermarket, several joggers, three dogs, and that UPS driver. Criminy, I almost tore that guy a new one!

But, hey, nobody's perfect. I just make sure to keep a jumbo travel mug with me at all times, carry lots of pepper spray, and never order coffee from a drive-thru for various logistical reasons. It's a tough world out there, and if you need a little extra kick to get going in the morning, so be it. I certainly won't judge. Although I will probably rape you.

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