I Think I Gained A Pound Today

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 12

White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks continue to present punts to me that are not in the best interest of the American people," Bill Clinton said, reiterating his 1992 election pledge to prevent any Seahawks punt attempts from becoming law. Congressman George Melcykski (R-WA) blasted Clinton, saying, "The Seahawks badly needed this victory, and that punt block was a crucial turning point." Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala recovered the punt in Seattle's end zone for a touchdown.

Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best ever. "There will be just the right mixture of slow and fast songs—I'll see to that," the weary Republican droned loudly, his eyes red and widened with fatigue. "It will be a memory to last a lifetime. That's the Dole promise. And the band will be good. I heard them play at the Dew Drop Inn with some friends of mine and they were good." Secret Service agents moved in to take Dole off the stage before he could expound upon the prom promise. Dole spokesperson Tom Reid explained that Dole was "fucking insane" at the time.

Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the states won by Clinton: New York, California, Texas, Maryland, Illinois and the critical state of Ohio, not to mention several dozen others. Dole captured Alaska.

Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one this week. According to the Reporter story, Terre Haute, IN, video store clerk Susan Heshmer had an idea to re-shelve several Mario Van Peebles movies, but she did not consider actually seeing one. She was merely re-organizing the action section of the Blockbuster Video store in which she works and had to handle the tapes Exterminator 2 and Posse. Solo, the Van Peebles vehicle in which he plays a futuristic android/soldier, is still showing in a handful of budget cinemas, yet has failed to entice any potential moviegoers. Entertainment insiders and statisticians speculate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie will probably not occur again until 2004, when Van Peebles himself will decide to watch Urban Crossfire.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Business

I Think I Gained A Pound Today

I think I gained a pound today. Oh my God, I'm sure I did. My midriff is distended by at least an inch and my underarms feel all globby. I am so fat.

It all started this morning at our big Delta Phi Lambda fall fundraiser for the National Children's Cancer Research Fund. We rented out the ballroom of the student center, and Stacey and I spent the whole morning putting up streamers and posters that said, "No More Cancer—Delta Phi Lambda Rocks."

I wore a Delta Phi Lambda tank and blue running shorts to the fundraiser because I had to help out at the hoop shoot by counting the money Tami collected and by clapping. My shorts were long enough so that they covered my thighs, which is completely my problem area, but they still were pretty short. Well, it turned out to be pretty cold in the ballroom. At first I tried jumping really fast while I cheered, but I ended up putting on an extra-large Champion sweatshirt that I borrowed from Jen. I looked like a complete whale in it.

When it was time for the dance to start, I went over to Erika's to fix my hair and weigh myself. Thank God, I was a half-pound under, so I put on the sleeveless dress instead of the sleeved one I left in the car to wear if I suddenly started retaining water.

When I got to the dance, I took a deep breath, sucked in my stomach and walked in. A few steps into the door, I almost ran into this stupid automatic wheelchair that was parked right in front of the entrance. I looked around the ballroom, and there were wheelchairs all over, mixed in with all the perfectly dressed Delta Phi Lambdas. Lisa waved from across the room where she was sitting with some little bald kid on her lap.

I went over and asked her what was going on, and she said that the woman from the National Children's Cancer Research Fund surprised us by bringing some of the kids over for a while. It totally ruined the whole look of the dance. I'd spent hours choosing the perfect color for the tablecloths and napkins so I wouldn't look stocky when I held them, and now they were just getting slobbered over by drooling, blotchy-skinned kids.

I figured out that I could escape the kids if I looked busy at the refreshment table. I was in the middle of rearranging the petit fours for about the sixth time when tragedy struck—I started to get hungry. I could see that everyone else was way too busy fawning over those stupid cancer kids to monitor the door for ag students, so there was no way I could run out and get my usual: a salad with low-fat ranch dressing, two saltine crackers, a Diet Sprite, and two Certs for dessert. I had no choice but to eat from the hors d'oeuvres table.

I tried picking the cucumbers out of all the ham and cream cheese roll-ups, but someone spotted me re-toothpicking them. I munched on the few sprigs of parsley that decorated the sliced meat tray, but that was hardly enough. Resigned to failure, I ate a napkin-full of cheese and crackers, damning myself the whole time.

I hung out by the hors d'oeuvres table all night, totally crushed by the irony of the whole event. I mean, there it was—my fall fundraiser of my sophomore year, and a bunch of sick kids were stealing the spotlight. And now it's me who's got to go in there and step on that scale. God, I just know I gained a pound today. Life is so unfair.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More