adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Think I May Have Had Sex Just Now

All right, I'll just come out and say it: In all my 124 years of life I have never had an erection. That is not to say that my three or five children were not all mine, except for the bastard H. Lucius, who I'm certain was the product of my filthy two-timing wife and the chimney sweep.

When I was in the mood for siring brats, my personal physician Dr. Wickes would quickly procure a catheter and a rubber bulb connected to a glass bottle. I'd drop my trousers, and he'd quickly jam it up the old John Thomas lickety split and start pumping away. Hurt like the dickens, but I was determined to carry on the great Zweibel pedigree.

Then the wife would be tracked down somewhere in the estate and promptly inseminated with my august issue. How she would complain so! The ungrateful trollop never did understand the magnitude of her mission.

To cure my impotence, Dr. Wickes experimented with a lot of elixirs and potions distilled from the manhood of prized Andalusian bulls. I was administered each one, but to no avail. Instead, I was beset with a rare brain fever that caused horns to sprout from my head. I had that quack Wickes drummed out of the medical establishment, and he died alone on an ice floe in Baffin Bay.

Then, just this morning, it happened. My nurse was replacing the tube of my catheter and, clumsy oaf that she is, managed to coil the tube tightly around my member while she searched about for a rubber tip. I could feel the blood rushing, and it felt as though my extremities would burst. I looked down, and the lower half of my body was a vivid crimson. The next thing I remember, I was lying naked on my back as my nurse silently gave me a sponge bath, my regular blueish tint restored.

I lay there in profound puzzlement for a while. Then it occured to me: I just had sexual relations! At the age of 133, I was a true man at last! Glory be!

Parents, I hope you will clip this column and share it with your young ones. For this is a great lesson in perseverance. Life is truly a rich pageant of wonderment. I hope that nurse will change my catheter again soon.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close