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I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
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I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

I'm not a loner, one of those people who prefers solitude and time to oneself. On the other hand, I really don't do well when I'm part of a group, as interacting with others tends to make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. All things considered, I really think I'm best suited to being a member of a large crowd.

You see, I'm not really a people person. I'm what you might call a populace person. I think of humanity as an amorphous, undifferentiated mass with no discernible goals or reasons for existence. And it is there among the faceless masses, blending in and exerting no will of my own, that I feel most at home. I've never been much for self-determination, so following along with a crowd is something I really think I'd be good at.

To be honest, it doesn't matter how big the crowd is. Times Square at rush hour would be fine. So would a packed football stadium. Or a standing-room-only bus. I also think I'd do well in a crowded suburban mall during the height of the holiday season, buffeted about by the frantic swarm of last-minute gift buyers. Basically, as long as I can blend in and float along with the current, I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong: There are some large groups I would not want to be a part of. Like a mob. A mob is very different from a crowd. Mobs have agendas. Whether it's to protest a piece of controversial legislation or kill the inhuman monster in the castle, a mob has a shared, clearly defined goal. And that is not something that interests me. I just want to be a person who happens to be in the same place as a fairly large number of other people. I want to be surrounded by many different people with whom I share nothing more than the bond of temporarily occupying the same physical space. That is something I would very much enjoy being involved with.

If I ever got the chance to join a large crowd, I would take my responsibilities seriously. I'm not the type of crowd member who would engage others in even the most fleeting of interpersonal interactions. As a crowd member, I would take pains to avoid coming into contact with any other member. But, if I ever accidentally bumped into someone, I would not make it worse by saying, "Sorry," or "Excuse me." I would instead look off in the other direction, maintaining not only the distance between us but the illusion that no contact had ever taken place.

Like many people, I am happiest when I am an insignificant part of a larger, purposeless whole. I thrive when given the opportunity to be swallowed up by the teeming hordes. It is only when I am not lost in the crowd that I feel truly lost. If you just give me a chance and let me join your crowd, I promise to be the most passive non-entity you've ever met and instantly forgotten.

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