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I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

I'm not a loner, one of those people who prefers solitude and time to oneself. On the other hand, I really don't do well when I'm part of a group, as interacting with others tends to make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. All things considered, I really think I'm best suited to being a member of a large crowd.

You see, I'm not really a people person. I'm what you might call a populace person. I think of humanity as an amorphous, undifferentiated mass with no discernible goals or reasons for existence. And it is there among the faceless masses, blending in and exerting no will of my own, that I feel most at home. I've never been much for self-determination, so following along with a crowd is something I really think I'd be good at.

To be honest, it doesn't matter how big the crowd is. Times Square at rush hour would be fine. So would a packed football stadium. Or a standing-room-only bus. I also think I'd do well in a crowded suburban mall during the height of the holiday season, buffeted about by the frantic swarm of last-minute gift buyers. Basically, as long as I can blend in and float along with the current, I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong: There are some large groups I would not want to be a part of. Like a mob. A mob is very different from a crowd. Mobs have agendas. Whether it's to protest a piece of controversial legislation or kill the inhuman monster in the castle, a mob has a shared, clearly defined goal. And that is not something that interests me. I just want to be a person who happens to be in the same place as a fairly large number of other people. I want to be surrounded by many different people with whom I share nothing more than the bond of temporarily occupying the same physical space. That is something I would very much enjoy being involved with.

If I ever got the chance to join a large crowd, I would take my responsibilities seriously. I'm not the type of crowd member who would engage others in even the most fleeting of interpersonal interactions. As a crowd member, I would take pains to avoid coming into contact with any other member. But, if I ever accidentally bumped into someone, I would not make it worse by saying, "Sorry," or "Excuse me." I would instead look off in the other direction, maintaining not only the distance between us but the illusion that no contact had ever taken place.

Like many people, I am happiest when I am an insignificant part of a larger, purposeless whole. I thrive when given the opportunity to be swallowed up by the teeming hordes. It is only when I am not lost in the crowd that I feel truly lost. If you just give me a chance and let me join your crowd, I promise to be the most passive non-entity you've ever met and instantly forgotten.

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