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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

I'm not a loner, one of those people who prefers solitude and time to oneself. On the other hand, I really don't do well when I'm part of a group, as interacting with others tends to make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. All things considered, I really think I'm best suited to being a member of a large crowd.

You see, I'm not really a people person. I'm what you might call a populace person. I think of humanity as an amorphous, undifferentiated mass with no discernible goals or reasons for existence. And it is there among the faceless masses, blending in and exerting no will of my own, that I feel most at home. I've never been much for self-determination, so following along with a crowd is something I really think I'd be good at.

To be honest, it doesn't matter how big the crowd is. Times Square at rush hour would be fine. So would a packed football stadium. Or a standing-room-only bus. I also think I'd do well in a crowded suburban mall during the height of the holiday season, buffeted about by the frantic swarm of last-minute gift buyers. Basically, as long as I can blend in and float along with the current, I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong: There are some large groups I would not want to be a part of. Like a mob. A mob is very different from a crowd. Mobs have agendas. Whether it's to protest a piece of controversial legislation or kill the inhuman monster in the castle, a mob has a shared, clearly defined goal. And that is not something that interests me. I just want to be a person who happens to be in the same place as a fairly large number of other people. I want to be surrounded by many different people with whom I share nothing more than the bond of temporarily occupying the same physical space. That is something I would very much enjoy being involved with.

If I ever got the chance to join a large crowd, I would take my responsibilities seriously. I'm not the type of crowd member who would engage others in even the most fleeting of interpersonal interactions. As a crowd member, I would take pains to avoid coming into contact with any other member. But, if I ever accidentally bumped into someone, I would not make it worse by saying, "Sorry," or "Excuse me." I would instead look off in the other direction, maintaining not only the distance between us but the illusion that no contact had ever taken place.

Like many people, I am happiest when I am an insignificant part of a larger, purposeless whole. I thrive when given the opportunity to be swallowed up by the teeming hordes. It is only when I am not lost in the crowd that I feel truly lost. If you just give me a chance and let me join your crowd, I promise to be the most passive non-entity you've ever met and instantly forgotten.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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