I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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I Think I Would Make A Good Member Of A Large Crowd

I'm not a loner, one of those people who prefers solitude and time to oneself. On the other hand, I really don't do well when I'm part of a group, as interacting with others tends to make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. All things considered, I really think I'm best suited to being a member of a large crowd.

You see, I'm not really a people person. I'm what you might call a populace person. I think of humanity as an amorphous, undifferentiated mass with no discernible goals or reasons for existence. And it is there among the faceless masses, blending in and exerting no will of my own, that I feel most at home. I've never been much for self-determination, so following along with a crowd is something I really think I'd be good at.

To be honest, it doesn't matter how big the crowd is. Times Square at rush hour would be fine. So would a packed football stadium. Or a standing-room-only bus. I also think I'd do well in a crowded suburban mall during the height of the holiday season, buffeted about by the frantic swarm of last-minute gift buyers. Basically, as long as I can blend in and float along with the current, I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong: There are some large groups I would not want to be a part of. Like a mob. A mob is very different from a crowd. Mobs have agendas. Whether it's to protest a piece of controversial legislation or kill the inhuman monster in the castle, a mob has a shared, clearly defined goal. And that is not something that interests me. I just want to be a person who happens to be in the same place as a fairly large number of other people. I want to be surrounded by many different people with whom I share nothing more than the bond of temporarily occupying the same physical space. That is something I would very much enjoy being involved with.

If I ever got the chance to join a large crowd, I would take my responsibilities seriously. I'm not the type of crowd member who would engage others in even the most fleeting of interpersonal interactions. As a crowd member, I would take pains to avoid coming into contact with any other member. But, if I ever accidentally bumped into someone, I would not make it worse by saying, "Sorry," or "Excuse me." I would instead look off in the other direction, maintaining not only the distance between us but the illusion that no contact had ever taken place.

Like many people, I am happiest when I am an insignificant part of a larger, purposeless whole. I thrive when given the opportunity to be swallowed up by the teeming hordes. It is only when I am not lost in the crowd that I feel truly lost. If you just give me a chance and let me join your crowd, I promise to be the most passive non-entity you've ever met and instantly forgotten.


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