I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene

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Vol 40 Issue 20

Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts

NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.

Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday that she resents all non-canine life forms. "My family and coworkers and friends are so hard to get along with," Dobbyns said, petting her pug Skipper. "They're so opinionated, and they let their egos complicate everything." Dobbyns added that her little Skipperdoodle would never expect her to drive 22 miles to a birthday party at a restaurant she doesn't even like.

Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

CHICAGO—Drug addict Chris Fehring, 27, announced plans Monday to eventually buy back the GE toaster he'd sold an hour earlier to U-Name-It Pawn. "This is only temporary," said Fehring, who'd already parlayed the $3 he received into a crack purchase. "I'll buy it back as soon as I have electricity again." Fehring also stated his intention to buy back the blood he sold to the plasma center Monday.

White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks

WASHINGTON, DC—The annual White House Slam Dunk Contest, a spring ritual since 1977, featured its usual share of cringe-worthy misses and twisted knees Monday, but once again, no slam dunks. "I tell you, this is some sorry stuff I'm seeing," celebrity judge and former San Antonio Spur George "Iceman" Gervin said, holding up a "1" card after press secretary Scott McClellan made an awkward leap in a pair of wingtips. "The three-point contest was bad enough, but this is just depressing." The last White House slam dunk on record occurred in 1983, when a blindfolded Secretary of the Interior James Watt leaped from the foul line to execute an aerial 360-spin into a tomahawk that shattered the backboard.

Electronic Voting Machines

Computerized voting systems promise to simplify the polling process, but many Americans are worried about their accuracy. What are the machines' potential problems?

Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?

Funeral Looks Cheap

DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line foreman Thomas Meissner, who died May 13 at the age of 68, look cheap, several guests reported Tuesday.
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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Originality

I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene

All in all, I'd say it was a robbery well done. It was in a secluded area behind the old B.F. Goodrich on the riverfront. The mask was concealing yet breatheable, the old man dropped like a stone, and his money clip yielded a cool 95 bucks and some food stamps. I didn't intend to kill him, but there were no apparent witnesses, so what the hey? Smooth and simple. The perfect crime. Nice work, Scotty.

Know what, though? I think I might head on back to that crime scene.

I mean, it's a beautiful day, the nicest day we've had in weeks. No sense in staying cooped up in this flophouse all day. True, I'm a wanted criminal, and the neighborhood will be crawling with cops, but it's just too nice a day to waste it inside watching golf and counting $95 in small bills over and over. I have as much right as anyone to go for a stroll along the riverfront and then climb through the patch of underbrush at the end of the bike path to emerge on River Street between the library and the State Farm Insurance office.

You know, it's possible that the old man's body hasn't even been discovered yet. I could pop over for a minute just to make sure he's still there, and if he is, give him another going-over. I bumped him off in a pretty remote area, and I went through his pockets so quickly that I might have missed something. He might have a few more bucks on him, maybe even a couple scratch tickets or a Denny's coupon or two. Haste makes waste, Scotty. Remember that the next time you mug somebody.

Oooh! Before I go, I should probably change out of this tracksuit—there's a big bloodstain on the left thigh. Didn't see it there before. Then again, it would mean changing into some clean clothes, and I gotta conserve on laundry this week for that big interview for the gig driving a truckload of Chinese illegals to Jersey. No one will notice. The worst thing anyone will think is that I peed myself.

On the way, I could stop at that little strip mall on Beerbohm and grab a magazine at B. Dalton. I think the new Easyrider is out. And maybe I'll stop by the Carvel and pick up a Cookie Puss. The strip mall is on that nice Officer Cordova's beat. If he's there, I'll chat him up a little and ask him if he's seen any action lately. He'll probably laugh and say, "That's kind of personal, Scotty," and I'll correct him and say, "What I meant was, have you seen the bloody aftermath of any violent street crime recently?" Then again, if Officer Cordova isn't there at that moment, maybe I'll take advantage of that and hold up the Carvel store. I bet they have a sweet drop safe.

Now I'm thinking I really should mosey on over to that crime scene.

You know, it would be pretty interesting to see how cops go about investigating a crime. I suppose that, first, they clear people from the area and secure it with that yellow tape. Then, I guess, they probably photograph the body and draw a big chalk outline around it. It's probably nothing I haven't already seen on CSI or Law & Order. Still, it would be something to watch all those cops putting in time-and-a-half and going through this meticulous procedural, all on account of something I did on a whim. It really makes you think. The thin blue line and everything.

You know what? I am gonna bop over to the crime scene. Hey, maybe I could throw the cops off the scent by telling them I saw the guy who committed the crime. I'll tell them he was about 6'1", weighed 190 pounds, had brown hair and hazel eyes, was wearing a gray tracksuit, and beat the guy to death with a truncheon he kept in his right pocket. No, wait. I'd have to change some things. I'll say this guy looked a lot like me, except he didn't have a big bloodstain on his tracksuit. Get that story straight, Scotty.

Finally, if the cops get suspicious, I'll argue that there was no reason for me to rob the guy, because he didn't have any money on him. Then I'll show them the money clip and pass it off as mine. And I'll tell them I got the stain from falling down in the meatpacking district. Then I'll offer them part of my Cookie Puss.

This is a fine idea, returning to the scene of the crime. However, I think next time I'll make sure to commit it in a prettier place, like the park. Or Florida. And I think I'll do it someplace close to where I can also pick up some foot powder and get gas. Look, there's no sense in making things any harder for myself.

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