I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear

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Vol 38 Issue 03

Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.

Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"

ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.

French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Take This Job And Love It

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do.
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I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear

When shopping for eyewear, I want a full range of all the latest styles from all the top designers. I want to see great-looking frames from big names like Jones NY, Dolce & Gabbana, Guess, BCBG, and French Connection. Unfortunately, that means going to a pricey store that charges an arm and a leg. But, as much as it kills me, that's exactly what I plan to do. There aren't any other options out there, so I have no choice but to pay way too much for quality fashion eyewear.

If only there were someplace I could get the same quality frames you see at boutiques and department stores, but at savings of up to 50 percent off. And what if they also offered a full range of lens options, from tinting to UV coatings to anti-reflective treatments? Alas, such a store exists only in my imagination.

Sometimes I can't help but think how amazing it would be if there were a store that not only provided quality fashion eyewear at a fair price, but also could fill any prescription in about an hour. To get that kind of fast service, though, you have to sacrifice quality. That's why I'm sticking with the big guys with the sky-high price tags.

It's too bad I always end up someplace that doesn't feature top frames for the entire family. After all, no store with reasonable prices carries fun children's eyewear by Harry Potter Style, Marvel Comics, or X-Men. Or the styles teens love, featuring such popular names as Adidas, MTV, Reebok, and B.U.M. Equipment.

Then there's the issue of customer service. Not every pair of glasses is right for everybody, and I'd rather not be rushed out the door with the same pair as the next person. I'm looking for a professional, courteous sales team that gives me the personal attention I need to find the look and fit that's right for me. The problem is, I live in the real world, not some fantasyland where strawberry-syrup rivers flow through candy-cane forests.

And what if I need other services, like contact lenses, prescription sunglasses, or on-site examinations from licensed optometrists? I'd also love it if I could get prescription clip-on sunglasses or a designer case for my eyewear. But you and I both know that ain't ever gonna happen.

Why do I even bother? Even if I did find a store that offered great glasses at a sensible price, I'd have to give up all the extras. There's no way the low price would include such add-ons as a 30-day money-back guarantee or free lifetime cleaning and adjustments to maintain the comfort and fit of my glasses for as long as I own them. Unless I pay too much for my eyewear, I can also say sayonara to such options as one-year protection against accidental breakage and replacement plans for lost contacts.

Oh, just forget the whole thing. It's pointless. I mean, even if there were a store that boasted top names like Cheryl Tiegs, DKNY, Fila, and Candies at affordable prices (keep dreaming), I'm sure it would be inconveniently located.

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