I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

When I look back on my life so far, I realize I've never accomplished anything terribly meaningful. I'm okay-looking but not stunning, I earn a modest living, and I certainly don't expect anyone to remember me 20 years after I die. But you wouldn't know that from the way I tell it! Yup, I pretty much think the sun shines out of my asshole.

A few months ago, I bought a new car, a bright-red 2000 Pontiac Firebird. And, of course, for weeks after I got it, I made a big, fat, hairy deal about it at work, making sure everybody saw me in it when I arrived each morning. "Ooh, look at me in my new car! Aren't I cool?" I would practically scream as I fought to get the most visible parking space in the company lot. Sure, a Firebird is a decent sportscar. But it's not like it's a Ferrari or anything. What an annoying showoff I am. And without all that much to show off about.

Oh, and I'm always cracking jokes, too. I think I'm so fucking funny. I think I'm a regular Jerry Friggin' Seinfeld. It doesn't matter who's talking or what the context is, I'll always butt in with one of my lame quips. Or, if you try to tell a funny story, I'll get jealous and chime in with some stupid pun, just to draw the attention back to me. Because I always need to be the star. What a big baby.

I've come up with a few theories as to why all of this is. One is that I'm an only child, and my parents spoiled me and cooed over every stupid thing I did no matter how dumb it was, so I grew up thinking the whole world would coo over me, too. Another is that I'm insecure about my many sexual inadequacies, so I try to compensate for them by being as socially dominant and overbearing as possible.

Whatever the reason, one thing's painfully clear: I need to be put in my place. Wouldn't it be fantastic if some fed-up co-worker of mine took me aside and informed me that everyone around the office is sick and tired of me and would love it if I stopped being such a self-centered, loud-mouth, know-it-all prick?

On the other hand, you can't just tell a stuck-in-his-ways 31-year-old, "Please promptly rewire your entire personality so that you're no longer an incredible asshole." No, telling me off wouldn't work. And firing me under a phony pretense wouldn't either. Knowing me, it'd just lead me to file some sort of formal grievance against the company or, better yet, some bullshit discrimination lawsuit.

So I guess I don't know what to suggest for a solution. It's looking like I'll die thinking I'm hot shit, not having the slightest clue what a cocksucker I am. I tell you, people like me never learn.

Next Story