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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

When I look back on my life so far, I realize I've never accomplished anything terribly meaningful. I'm okay-looking but not stunning, I earn a modest living, and I certainly don't expect anyone to remember me 20 years after I die. But you wouldn't know that from the way I tell it! Yup, I pretty much think the sun shines out of my asshole.

A few months ago, I bought a new car, a bright-red 2000 Pontiac Firebird. And, of course, for weeks after I got it, I made a big, fat, hairy deal about it at work, making sure everybody saw me in it when I arrived each morning. "Ooh, look at me in my new car! Aren't I cool?" I would practically scream as I fought to get the most visible parking space in the company lot. Sure, a Firebird is a decent sportscar. But it's not like it's a Ferrari or anything. What an annoying showoff I am. And without all that much to show off about.

Oh, and I'm always cracking jokes, too. I think I'm so fucking funny. I think I'm a regular Jerry Friggin' Seinfeld. It doesn't matter who's talking or what the context is, I'll always butt in with one of my lame quips. Or, if you try to tell a funny story, I'll get jealous and chime in with some stupid pun, just to draw the attention back to me. Because I always need to be the star. What a big baby.

I've come up with a few theories as to why all of this is. One is that I'm an only child, and my parents spoiled me and cooed over every stupid thing I did no matter how dumb it was, so I grew up thinking the whole world would coo over me, too. Another is that I'm insecure about my many sexual inadequacies, so I try to compensate for them by being as socially dominant and overbearing as possible.

Whatever the reason, one thing's painfully clear: I need to be put in my place. Wouldn't it be fantastic if some fed-up co-worker of mine took me aside and informed me that everyone around the office is sick and tired of me and would love it if I stopped being such a self-centered, loud-mouth, know-it-all prick?

On the other hand, you can't just tell a stuck-in-his-ways 31-year-old, "Please promptly rewire your entire personality so that you're no longer an incredible asshole." No, telling me off wouldn't work. And firing me under a phony pretense wouldn't either. Knowing me, it'd just lead me to file some sort of formal grievance against the company or, better yet, some bullshit discrimination lawsuit.

So I guess I don't know what to suggest for a solution. It's looking like I'll die thinking I'm hot shit, not having the slightest clue what a cocksucker I am. I tell you, people like me never learn.

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