I Think We Should Fuck Other People

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 08

Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws

MAHWAH, NJ–In a preamble that boded poorly for the academic future of Mahwah High School senior Kevin Stember, guidance counselor Elvin Cross prefaced Stember's SAT scores by downplaying the test's reliability and worth Monday. "You know, the SAT is a flawed, inexact measure of one's abilities," a grim-faced Cross told Stember. "It measures what you know rather than what you're capable of doing." Cross added that there are many essential real-life skills the SAT fails to gauge, like punching in on time and maintaining a clean uniform.

Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers

LOS ANGELES–With the nation still buzzing over his Feb. 21 Grammy Awards duet with Elton John, Eminem released a single Tuesday inspired by the performance. Among the song's lyrics: "I was at the Grammys and Elton John gave me a hug / So I got out my pliers and ripped his little faggot dick off with a tug / Shoved it down the throats of Britney, then Christina A. / Probably gave both of the bitches AIDS." John praised the song as "brave" and "coming from a very pure place."

Greenspan Considering Role In Ocean's Eleven Remake

WASHINGTON, DC–Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan confirmed Monday that he is considering a role in the upcoming remake of the 1960 Rat Pack heist caper Ocean's Eleven. "Tell [director Steven] Soderbergh I get the Dean Martin part, or he can take a flying hike," Greenspan, already in character, was overheard telling his manager at the posh D.C. eatery La Gondola. "I'm not canceling three weeks at Caesar's for the Lawford part. I can act rings around that fairy boy Brad Pitt and still satisfy five dames before his pants are off. Bada bing."

Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage

LOS ANGELES–Deeming the fetus "not viable at this time," ABC vice-president of programming Lew Schaffer pulled the plug Monday on his unborn child after 11 weeks in development. "The baby was making impressive progress," Schaffer said. "But, unfortunately, it did not meet the needs of this network's vice-president of programming at this time." Schaffer expressed sympathy for Liz Harris, his former personal assistant and the fetus' co-creator, saying: "This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."

Improving NASCAR Safety

NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt's fatal crash at the Daytona 500 on Feb. 18 has prompted widespread calls for tougher safety measures. What steps is NASCAR taking?

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

Layoffs And The R-Word

Every day, another major company announces thousands of layoffs, stoking fears of an economic recession. What do you think?

Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia

WASHINGTON, DC–Scandal erupted Monday, when it was discovered that a recent Department of Education report on illiteracy was copied directly from the 1982 Encyclopedia Britannica. "Illiteracy is the inability to read," the plagiarized report read in part. "It affects many nations, including the United States." Responding to the controversy, Education Secretary Rod Paige argued that the department was told it could use Library of Congress materials in reports.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Spring

I Think We Should Fuck Other People

Allison, this is very difficult to say, because I care so deeply about you. The moments we've shared together have been some of the happiest of my life. But I've given it a lot of thought lately, and I think we should fuck other people.

Now, please don't misunderstand: These past seven months with you have been incredible. Before I met you, I never dreamed I was capable of fucking somebody so much. For years, the only person I truly fucked was myself. But meeting you, it just totally opened up my legs. And I know I opened up yours, too.

But it just wouldn't be fair to either of us if we didn't find out who else is out there that we're capable of fucking. As much as it hurts to say, to commit myself to fucking any one person at this stage in my life would be to sell myself short. I want to see who else is out there to fuck. And you should, too. After all, we both have so much head to give.

Remember, we're both young. If, after some time away from each other, we feel certain that we want to spend the rest of our sex lives together, we can. For now, though, I think the smart thing to do is to fuck other people. We both need to learn about ourselves, to find out what types of people we enjoy making time with.

I'm sure this is painful for you. You probably feel as though you'll never fuck again. But Allison, you're a lot stronger than you realize. You'll fuck again, I promise. I can't say when or where or whom, but one day, when you least expect it, when it's the last thing on your mind, you'll meet someone and be fucked right off your feet. I believe magic is in store for you. You will fuck again, and you'll fuck hard.

I wish I could, but I just can't close myself off to new people and experiences. It's a big world out there, full of lots of incredible breasts. And I want to come across lots of them before I settle down with any one set. I want to expand my horizons. Only by leaving my zone of safety can I discover all the different types of people I enjoy fucking.

Please don't think that I'm dumping you. I'll always be there for you. As I move forward with my life, I'll always feel you close to me, no matter who else I fuck. Sharing my semen with you was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. Every day, I thank my lucky stars to have had you. Especially over the kitchen sink in your parents' house. And in the tool shed. Definitely the tool shed.

No, regardless of what the future brings, I will never forget all the fucks we shared. Special, special fucks. There were times when it felt like our genitals were one. Like we had merged into a single being, body and face. And that's the sort of true fuck, Allison, that nothing can ever erase.

It was great fucking, and it was fucking great.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More