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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Think We Should Fuck Other People

Allison, this is very difficult to say, because I care so deeply about you. The moments we've shared together have been some of the happiest of my life. But I've given it a lot of thought lately, and I think we should fuck other people.

Now, please don't misunderstand: These past seven months with you have been incredible. Before I met you, I never dreamed I was capable of fucking somebody so much. For years, the only person I truly fucked was myself. But meeting you, it just totally opened up my legs. And I know I opened up yours, too.

But it just wouldn't be fair to either of us if we didn't find out who else is out there that we're capable of fucking. As much as it hurts to say, to commit myself to fucking any one person at this stage in my life would be to sell myself short. I want to see who else is out there to fuck. And you should, too. After all, we both have so much head to give.

Remember, we're both young. If, after some time away from each other, we feel certain that we want to spend the rest of our sex lives together, we can. For now, though, I think the smart thing to do is to fuck other people. We both need to learn about ourselves, to find out what types of people we enjoy making time with.

I'm sure this is painful for you. You probably feel as though you'll never fuck again. But Allison, you're a lot stronger than you realize. You'll fuck again, I promise. I can't say when or where or whom, but one day, when you least expect it, when it's the last thing on your mind, you'll meet someone and be fucked right off your feet. I believe magic is in store for you. You will fuck again, and you'll fuck hard.

I wish I could, but I just can't close myself off to new people and experiences. It's a big world out there, full of lots of incredible breasts. And I want to come across lots of them before I settle down with any one set. I want to expand my horizons. Only by leaving my zone of safety can I discover all the different types of people I enjoy fucking.

Please don't think that I'm dumping you. I'll always be there for you. As I move forward with my life, I'll always feel you close to me, no matter who else I fuck. Sharing my semen with you was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. Every day, I thank my lucky stars to have had you. Especially over the kitchen sink in your parents' house. And in the tool shed. Definitely the tool shed.

No, regardless of what the future brings, I will never forget all the fucks we shared. Special, special fucks. There were times when it felt like our genitals were one. Like we had merged into a single being, body and face. And that's the sort of true fuck, Allison, that nothing can ever erase.

It was great fucking, and it was fucking great.

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