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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Think We Should Start Talking About Starting A Band

I've been thinking. I know we've talked about starting to talk about doing stuff before—like when we said we should think about doing that video for YouTube with us dressed like barbarians, or when we said we were gonna talk about starting our own Delta Phi chapter here on campus—but I've really got this awesome idea I want you to consider thinking about talking about. I know what you're gonna say: We always just end up thinking about starting to talk about things, but we never get around to actually talking about starting them.

But hear me out. The other day? When we were sitting around in Gregger's basement pulling bingers and listening to his old Disturbed CDs? That's when it hit me. At first I thought I was just wasted and I should forget about it, but I can't shake this feeling, and something's telling me we should at least give discussing this a shot.

Okay. I think we should maybe start talking about starting a band.

I'm serious. Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. We should totally think about starting to talk about doing this for real.

I'm not saying right this instant. That'd be crazy. Obviously, we're not ready to jump into the talking stage just yet. I'm just saying, you know, we should consider maybe wondering about beginning to ponder it. Of course I'd never be, like, "Let's launch into some half-assed thing and start talking about stuff before we've talked through talking about it first." I just mean we should think about starting to talk about it, eventually.

This would absolutely just be the first preliminary discussion phase, at this point. There's a lot of ideas we have to get straight before we could even begin to think about seriously thinking about starting a band. But we should totally talk about it.

Dudes! Think about it!

It'd be awesome. The possibilities are endless. We could get together and brainstorm ways we could discuss how we'd have to come up with a name. We could even get started on talking about doing that tonight! No pressure or anything here: we'll just get together and kick back. Have some brews. Smoke a few bones. Just sit around and let the ideas flow. It'll make starting to talk about it in the future that much easier if we plan for discussing the planning stages now.

I realize it's way too soon to go into details yet, and this is just an initial notion, but one time I went to my friend Ben's brother-in-law's place to see this motorcycle he got a couple years back that he wants to fix some day? And in the back, I could see these boxes filled with what were probably all kinds of cords and cables. He wasn't even using them—they were just lying around! We could consider trying to think about checking those out and maybe plugging them into some kind of amps or mixers.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even know if he'd let us use them or not. I'm just saying. It's something to consider talking about.

Then there's our look. We'd have to go over how we'd figure out exactly what image we wanted to present to the public. That could be hours of preliminary talk right there.

Think of all the pussy we could talk about getting. And I'm not talking average pussy—I'm talking about talking about killer babes who love dudes who talk about starting bands.

I'm seriously excited about this: There's so much talking to do! We gotta get people talking about coming to our shows someday. We've got to find somebody to talk to about possibly starting to come up with ideas for T-shirts. I know it's a lot of talk ahead of us to start talking about now. But if not now, when?

These are the best years of our lives, dudes. Someday we're gonna look back and be like, "Did we waste our youth just thinking about talking? Or did we actually roll up our sleeves and talk about starting something we really wanted to talk about?" And we'll have all those memories of talking about starting to talk about the band to look back on, years later.

For now, let's just think about maybe getting together and considering possibly starting to talk about thinking about it. Cool? Cool.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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