I Totally Outlived Jesus

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

I Totally Outlived Jesus

Well, as you know by now, today's my birthday. A big happy birthday to me! Oh, yeah! Everyone knows what this day means: Pabst Blue Ribbon pitchers at the Fuzzy Duck Inn. This year, I better see you there, because this isn't going to be just any birthday celebration. This year, my birthday will be a deeply meaningful, almost humbling occasion. See, I'm turning 34. That means I totally outlived Jesus!

You know, 33 was good. I had a pretty decent year, all in all. I started seeing Melissa, I moved into an apartment complex with a pool, and I solidified my position of authority at the car-stereo installation shop. But there was one thing I couldn't say that I'd done, until today: outlive Jesus Christ. Well, check the calendar. See that circle around today's date? See that '34' written there? In your face, Jesus!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not badmouthing Jesus. He's our Savior and the Son of God, and He has all of those churches dedicated to Him and books written about Him. He did a lot of amazing things, like that walking-on-water business. I'm just saying there's at least one area in which the ol' J-Man failed to outpace a certain birthday boy standing before you now.

Jesus and I have a lot in common, but we're different, too. I know how to draw a crowd, but I'd rather tell my great stories from the summer I worked at the water park than talk about Adam and Eve. He liked wine; I like my Pabst Blue Ribbon. What can I say? Kersh is a man of the people. At the end of the day, though, I think my accomplishments, miracles aside, pretty much measure up to Jesus'. Jesus was a carpenter, right? Carpentry is pretty cool, but the installation of mobile audio is cool, too. I know how to put the decks in, like, a hundred different cars. So Jesus and I are pretty even there. And without question, I beat Him, hands down, when it comes to not kicking the bucket before 34! Hey, take that, Jesus, you numbnuts!

Oh! I didn't go too far, did I? I'm just kidding around! No disrespect intended there, young, dead Jesus.

I can kid, can't I? It's my day, after all! On my birthday, I'm like the king for a day, right? The king has come! Tonight, I'm going to score a big table for us at the Duck, and we can all sit on one side, just like they did at the Last Supper. If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for us old fogies, too.

I can put up a little sign over my chair that says "INRI," just like the one Jesus had. No one knows what Jesus' damn sign even meant, but mine will mean "Ian Needs Ribbon Immediately!" Oh, but His sign wasn't over His favorite booth in the back, the one right by the jukebox. Nope, his sign was over His head when He died—younger than Kersh!

Kersh 1, Jesus 0.

Okay, fine. He died for my sins. Well, you can bet I've made some real good ones lately. Because I figured something out a year ago today: You're only as old as Jesus once, and then you're older than Jesus for the rest of your life!

Yeah, I outlived Buddy Holly, James Dean, and now, the big one: Christ Almighty, Himself! That's no small thing. I might not have done as much good in the world, but if I want to, I totally have the time! Shit, I'm probably going to live twice as long as Jesus!

Boo-yah! Burn on you, Jesus!