I Want A Chopper On The Pad Fueled For New York Now

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Vol 35 Issue 35

Exercise Briefly Considered

GERMANTOWN, TN—The notion of aerobic exercise fleetingly crossed the mind of Memphis-area office manager Theodore Sperling Monday. "There was half an hour to kill before Monday Night Football," Sperling said, "and I thought for a few seconds that maybe I should go for a walk around the block." After raising himself from the couch, however, Sperling instead walked to the kitchen for a leftover pork chop from that evening's dinner and returned to the living room, where he briefly channel-surfed before settling on a Game Show Network rerun of Match Game '75.

Doctors Say Pope Will Be Infallible For Another Year At Most

VATICAN CITY— According to papal physicians, 79-year-old Pope John Paul II, the infallible Earthly vicar of Christ, will likely become fallible within the next year. "Though infallible, as are all popes, our beloved John Paul is likely to lose his infallibility somewhere in the 10- to 12-month range," Vatican chief physician Dr. Giovanni Caggiano said Monday. "His eyesight and hearing already show strong signs of fallibility, and his frequent illness suggests a possible waning in his overall metaphysical perfection. Coronary fallibility is a real possibility in the near future."

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to miss Ally McBeal for that. "For God's sake, this is the classic 'Those Lips, That Hand' episode from last April," Smoller said. "That's the one where John tells Ally that Nelle thinks he's in love with Ally, and then he kisses her. And Nelle gets Barry White to sing at the bar for John's birthday, and then John goes up and dances on the stage and everyone joins him. And if that weren't enough, it's got that whole hilarious thing with Billy and Georgia trying the case where the guy gets fired from his job because of his bad comb-over, and the thing with Richard wanting to break up with Ling because she doesn't want to have sex with him. There's no way I'm missing all of that just to go to your silly 25th high-school reunion."

Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.

Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?

To Hell With Philanthropy

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former, I enjoy the latter even more.

Ask A Chat Room

People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Chat Room, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

I Want A Chopper On The Pad Fueled For New York Now

Okay, look alive, people! Get going... now! This is what we've been training for! You know your jobs—do them! Go! Go! Go! Get Watkins in here. I want him to set up a remote command center, and I want it done yesterday, you hear me? Get a lawyer standing over everything we do so we have word of God that we went by the book, even if we didn't. And I want a chopper fueled for New York turning on the west pad right fucking now!

Who's the pilot on standby? Cooper? The hell he is. Send a car over to Hughes' place and have him here in 10 minutes. Yes, I bloody well know what time it is, just do it! Give him whatever he wants, he's our best man in the air. Get him on the phone ASAP and let him know what's happening. No, not everything that's happening, you dipshit! I don't care how secure you think that phone is, Mei Ling, don't let on what we know for a second.

Where's my briefcase? Get my goddamn briefcase! Is the 30 million in untraceable bearer bonds in there? Good. We'll need those when we rendezvous with the Saudis. Clancy, give me your handcuffs. Don't look at me like that, just hand them over! Good man. There. Now, these papers are going with me no matter what. Clancy, you take that key up to the 95th floor and toss it out the window.

Where the hell is that goddamn chopper?

No! No! Not one of those little toy helicopters! I want one of those bulletproof turbine jobs we got off the French military. Full stealth and electronic countermeasures suite—we may have to do a full subsonic vertical insertion. Full N/BC filtration package, as well, plus all the infrared and UV instrumentation you can get. And get it now!

Who do we have on site in New York? MacPherson? God love a duck, that old bastard hasn't retired yet? And who's his partner now? Who? A woman! Sweet Christ, what next? Sorry, Mei Ling. What? Who? Hardin? Case Hardin, that crazy old ex-Marine? By God, we might have a prayer in hell of pulling this off, after all. Get that man on a scrambled line and tell him he's got whatever he needs to see this thing through, you hear me? Now! Now now now now!

Watkins! Glad you could join us. Run down to Operations and get me someone who speaks German and Czechoslovakian. Chrissakes, man, I don't care what the fucking language is called! Fucking Harvard eggheads couldn't wipe their asses without giving you a half-hour lecture on the history of shit. I'll need an encrypted cell phone, a GPS locator and a secure—and I mean secure—laptop. None of that Van Eck phreaking stuff this time.

We don't want another Barcelona on our hands.

Send up that grunting little shit from Tech if you have to. And get me Sector K, and have them put two specialists on that chopper. We need them now if we ever have.

Yes, Watkins, Sector K. It really exists. The codes are in my desk.

Clancy, give me your gun. Come on, man, don't look at me like that. We were in that damn jungle together, remember? Thank you. I know, I know, if things get really serious it won't be of much use, but I just feel better having it.

Watkins? Right. You're staying here. No, don't argue with me. I need you to get Jill and the boys to my mountain place as soon as you can. There's enough food and candles to keep you comfortable for a month, until this all blows over. If it ever does.

Five minutes? Damn good work, boys. We may get through this yet.

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