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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

Nurse! Nurse! Remove this mustard plaster from my chest! It chafes! Nurse!

Oh, I forgot. My nurse is now a terrifying ro-bot gentleman. No, no, Mr. Tin! You have removed whatever skin I had remaining on my leprous old torso! Stupid ro-bot!

Well, I may be down, but this miserable old invalid still has a few irons in the fire. Goodness knows I'm always ready to exploit any valuable information or leads I obtain to their fullest economic advantage. And a little bird tells me that the latest scandal brewing down in Washington is money in the bank!

Standish! Get my stenographer in here right away. I wish to cable an urgent telegram to the President.

To President Harding, The White House, The District of Columbia:

My Dear Warren: Doubtless you recall my ardent support for your '20 presidential campaign. I filled your war-chest with generous donations of gold doubloons and organized the clandestine assassinations of your various political adversaries.

In light of my considerable aid, surely a little executive payola would not be inappropriate in return. I have surmised a golden opportunity, having heard the rumor that your Secretary of Interior has accepted bribes from private oil interests. Don't ask how I know this, just understand that I do.

I'll get down to brass tacks, Warren my friend. I want in on the Teapot-Dome scandal! Have your chief-of-staff leave a carpet-bag filled with $275,000 in small bills in the locker-room of the Georgetown train station. My man-servant will collect it. He will be the one in the pony and trap and sporting a red carnation in his boutonniere. I trust this will be done by mid-day tomorrow, or I will blow the whole scandal sky-high. The news will outsell even the Fatty Arbuckle saga, I assure you. I would hate for our fine friendship to be forever ruined by any reluctance on your part.

Yours truly, T. Herman [Stop].

Standish, relay this to the village post-mistress, and be quick about it. I'll be damned if I let this slip past my arthritic fingers!

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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