I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

Nurse! Nurse! Remove this mustard plaster from my chest! It chafes! Nurse!

Oh, I forgot. My nurse is now a terrifying ro-bot gentleman. No, no, Mr. Tin! You have removed whatever skin I had remaining on my leprous old torso! Stupid ro-bot!

Well, I may be down, but this miserable old invalid still has a few irons in the fire. Goodness knows I'm always ready to exploit any valuable information or leads I obtain to their fullest economic advantage. And a little bird tells me that the latest scandal brewing down in Washington is money in the bank!

Standish! Get my stenographer in here right away. I wish to cable an urgent telegram to the President.

To President Harding, The White House, The District of Columbia:

My Dear Warren: Doubtless you recall my ardent support for your '20 presidential campaign. I filled your war-chest with generous donations of gold doubloons and organized the clandestine assassinations of your various political adversaries.

In light of my considerable aid, surely a little executive payola would not be inappropriate in return. I have surmised a golden opportunity, having heard the rumor that your Secretary of Interior has accepted bribes from private oil interests. Don't ask how I know this, just understand that I do.

I'll get down to brass tacks, Warren my friend. I want in on the Teapot-Dome scandal! Have your chief-of-staff leave a carpet-bag filled with $275,000 in small bills in the locker-room of the Georgetown train station. My man-servant will collect it. He will be the one in the pony and trap and sporting a red carnation in his boutonniere. I trust this will be done by mid-day tomorrow, or I will blow the whole scandal sky-high. The news will outsell even the Fatty Arbuckle saga, I assure you. I would hate for our fine friendship to be forever ruined by any reluctance on your part.

Yours truly, T. Herman [Stop].

Standish, relay this to the village post-mistress, and be quick about it. I'll be damned if I let this slip past my arthritic fingers!