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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

Nurse! Nurse! Remove this mustard plaster from my chest! It chafes! Nurse!

Oh, I forgot. My nurse is now a terrifying ro-bot gentleman. No, no, Mr. Tin! You have removed whatever skin I had remaining on my leprous old torso! Stupid ro-bot!

Well, I may be down, but this miserable old invalid still has a few irons in the fire. Goodness knows I'm always ready to exploit any valuable information or leads I obtain to their fullest economic advantage. And a little bird tells me that the latest scandal brewing down in Washington is money in the bank!

Standish! Get my stenographer in here right away. I wish to cable an urgent telegram to the President.

To President Harding, The White House, The District of Columbia:

My Dear Warren: Doubtless you recall my ardent support for your '20 presidential campaign. I filled your war-chest with generous donations of gold doubloons and organized the clandestine assassinations of your various political adversaries.

In light of my considerable aid, surely a little executive payola would not be inappropriate in return. I have surmised a golden opportunity, having heard the rumor that your Secretary of Interior has accepted bribes from private oil interests. Don't ask how I know this, just understand that I do.

I'll get down to brass tacks, Warren my friend. I want in on the Teapot-Dome scandal! Have your chief-of-staff leave a carpet-bag filled with $275,000 in small bills in the locker-room of the Georgetown train station. My man-servant will collect it. He will be the one in the pony and trap and sporting a red carnation in his boutonniere. I trust this will be done by mid-day tomorrow, or I will blow the whole scandal sky-high. The news will outsell even the Fatty Arbuckle saga, I assure you. I would hate for our fine friendship to be forever ruined by any reluctance on your part.

Yours truly, T. Herman [Stop].

Standish, relay this to the village post-mistress, and be quick about it. I'll be damned if I let this slip past my arthritic fingers!

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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