I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

Nurse! Nurse! Remove this mustard plaster from my chest! It chafes! Nurse!

Oh, I forgot. My nurse is now a terrifying ro-bot gentleman. No, no, Mr. Tin! You have removed whatever skin I had remaining on my leprous old torso! Stupid ro-bot!

Well, I may be down, but this miserable old invalid still has a few irons in the fire. Goodness knows I'm always ready to exploit any valuable information or leads I obtain to their fullest economic advantage. And a little bird tells me that the latest scandal brewing down in Washington is money in the bank!

Standish! Get my stenographer in here right away. I wish to cable an urgent telegram to the President.

To President Harding, The White House, The District of Columbia:

My Dear Warren: Doubtless you recall my ardent support for your '20 presidential campaign. I filled your war-chest with generous donations of gold doubloons and organized the clandestine assassinations of your various political adversaries.

In light of my considerable aid, surely a little executive payola would not be inappropriate in return. I have surmised a golden opportunity, having heard the rumor that your Secretary of Interior has accepted bribes from private oil interests. Don't ask how I know this, just understand that I do.

I'll get down to brass tacks, Warren my friend. I want in on the Teapot-Dome scandal! Have your chief-of-staff leave a carpet-bag filled with $275,000 in small bills in the locker-room of the Georgetown train station. My man-servant will collect it. He will be the one in the pony and trap and sporting a red carnation in his boutonniere. I trust this will be done by mid-day tomorrow, or I will blow the whole scandal sky-high. The news will outsell even the Fatty Arbuckle saga, I assure you. I would hate for our fine friendship to be forever ruined by any reluctance on your part.

Yours truly, T. Herman [Stop].

Standish, relay this to the village post-mistress, and be quick about it. I'll be damned if I let this slip past my arthritic fingers!