adBlockCheck

I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back

Top Headlines

Recent News

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back

Help! I can hardly walk down the street these days without running into some pro-life protester waving a picture of my partial-birth abortion! I never wanted those photos to get out in the first place, but now that Congress is considering a ban on late-term abortions, it's only getting worse. Petitions, billboards on the interstate, leaflets—those photos of that bloody little fetus all hacked apart on a surgical steel table are everywhere. Listen up, Right-To-Lifers: I want the pictures of my partial-birth abortion back!

As you probably guessed, I'm pro-choice. But even though I firmly support a woman's right to choose, I was still pretty embarrassed about having an abortion, and I don't want to be constantly reminded of the mistake I made that put me in that position. So may I please have those gruesome photos back? Please? Pretty please?

I realize those partial-birth pictures are very desirable. After all, out of all the abortions performed in this country, less than one percent are done at that late stage. Most of those occur because the woman's health is in jeopardy or genetic defects were discovered in the fetus. But I wasn't in any danger. And my fetus looked like a perfect little unborn child—a definite plus for the posters. So I can see why the pro-lifers would be so eager to use them. But the bottom line is: My abortion, my photos.

Call me screwed up. I admit it. It's probably the reason it took me five months to admit to myself that I was even pregnant. That's me, Crazy Sara. But even though I was in no position to raise a child, I still didn't want an abortion. It wasn't until the doctor found out about all the drinking and Ecstasy that... well, the rest is history. Only, it's not history because now I can't run into the supermarket for a gallon of milk without bumping into some born-again Christian wearing a T-shirt sporting my mangled unborn son under the words "God Is Pro-Life."

Yes, I should've been more careful with the snapshots. I showed them to a few people, who in turn showed them to a few people, but they were interested. Okay, so I may have let a couple people borrow them, but they swore it was just to show their closest friends. I didn't expect that those pictures would fall into the wrong hands and one day come back to haunt me. Now I know how Vanna White felt when she turned up in Playboy.

I've made all sorts of efforts to get those photos back. I left a bunch of messages at both In-His-Name Signs and Trinity Silkscreeners. I've approached protesters and tried to wrestle the signs out of their hands. I even put up flyers around town with a photo of the photos and a $500 reward for their return. Nothing has worked.

You say he was a child, not a choice. Well, if that's the case, wherever he is right now, he's probably not too thrilled to be looking down at all those pictures of the day he got yanked out of my uterus. So for his sake, not mine, could you please give 'em back? I'd really appreciate it.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close