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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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I Want The Pictures Of My Partial-Birth Abortion Back

Help! I can hardly walk down the street these days without running into some pro-life protester waving a picture of my partial-birth abortion! I never wanted those photos to get out in the first place, but now that Congress is considering a ban on late-term abortions, it's only getting worse. Petitions, billboards on the interstate, leaflets—those photos of that bloody little fetus all hacked apart on a surgical steel table are everywhere. Listen up, Right-To-Lifers: I want the pictures of my partial-birth abortion back!

As you probably guessed, I'm pro-choice. But even though I firmly support a woman's right to choose, I was still pretty embarrassed about having an abortion, and I don't want to be constantly reminded of the mistake I made that put me in that position. So may I please have those gruesome photos back? Please? Pretty please?

I realize those partial-birth pictures are very desirable. After all, out of all the abortions performed in this country, less than one percent are done at that late stage. Most of those occur because the woman's health is in jeopardy or genetic defects were discovered in the fetus. But I wasn't in any danger. And my fetus looked like a perfect little unborn child—a definite plus for the posters. So I can see why the pro-lifers would be so eager to use them. But the bottom line is: My abortion, my photos.

Call me screwed up. I admit it. It's probably the reason it took me five months to admit to myself that I was even pregnant. That's me, Crazy Sara. But even though I was in no position to raise a child, I still didn't want an abortion. It wasn't until the doctor found out about all the drinking and Ecstasy that... well, the rest is history. Only, it's not history because now I can't run into the supermarket for a gallon of milk without bumping into some born-again Christian wearing a T-shirt sporting my mangled unborn son under the words "God Is Pro-Life."

Yes, I should've been more careful with the snapshots. I showed them to a few people, who in turn showed them to a few people, but they were interested. Okay, so I may have let a couple people borrow them, but they swore it was just to show their closest friends. I didn't expect that those pictures would fall into the wrong hands and one day come back to haunt me. Now I know how Vanna White felt when she turned up in Playboy.

I've made all sorts of efforts to get those photos back. I left a bunch of messages at both In-His-Name Signs and Trinity Silkscreeners. I've approached protesters and tried to wrestle the signs out of their hands. I even put up flyers around town with a photo of the photos and a $500 reward for their return. Nothing has worked.

You say he was a child, not a choice. Well, if that's the case, wherever he is right now, he's probably not too thrilled to be looking down at all those pictures of the day he got yanked out of my uterus. So for his sake, not mine, could you please give 'em back? I'd really appreciate it.

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