I Want To Know What True Lunch Is

Top Headlines

Recent News

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I Want To Know What True Lunch Is

I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic. I believe everyone, at some point in life, deserves to find true happiness and a deep, emotional connection—a joining together that transcends all else in life, that makes the heart race, and that, if taken away, can send one into a tailspin. That’s right, I’m talking about the experience of true lunch.

Now, I’ve had countless lunches in the past—lunches from all different types of restaurants, food stands, and grocery stores—so yes, I’m open to lunch. Very open. Truth be told, when it comes to lunch, I’m the type of person who wants to be stopped dead in his tracks by the sight of a beautiful, bacon double cheeseburger, or have his breath taken away the moment he bites into that one special ham and Swiss sandwich. I want to experience a lunch so powerful that it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest whenever I can’t eat it.

But unfortunately, I haven’t found my one true lunch yet. I haven’t found the kind of midday meal that I want to spend the rest of my life eating.

Christ, I want it so bad I can taste it.

You know the type of lunch I’m talking about, right? I’m talking about the kind you see in the movies—the lunch where everything is perfect and the mayonnaise in the potato salad is just right and the turkey is fresh. It’s the kind of lunch that you want to take in your hands, pull toward your face, and make a part of you deep down inside forever. I want a lunch that makes time stop, that makes you realize the only thing that matters in this world is lunch and everything else is irrelevant.

True lunch conquers all. I believe that with all of my heart.

But maybe the lunch of my dreams isn’t in a cute little café just waiting for me to sweep it off its plate and make it mine. Maybe it’s sitting on a tray in some cafeteria in Memphis, or in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant across the globe in China. Or maybe it’s in the Chipotle on my block and fate just hasn’t led me to it yet. But either way, I have to believe it’s out there somewhere, waiting to be found, because the second I lose that faith and start to think that true lunch might not even exist, well, what’s the point of living after that?

I’ll admit I’ve gone online looking for lunch. In this day and age, who hasn’t? I’ve sat up until three in the morning looking at countless photos of meals on Yelp wondering if maybe that’s the lunch for me. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. You’re driven to extreme measures when you’re desperate and your lunch life becomes cold and stale.

None of the meals I’ve found online ever led to anything meaningful. For the most part, they’ve been short, fleeting lunch affairs. A salami on wheat here, a chef salad there—little flings that could never blossom into true, everlasting lunch. I know I shouldn’t be discouraged. I just have to keep putting myself out there, because true lunch certainly isn’t going to come knocking on my front door in the form of an Ultimate Cheese Lover’s Pizza from Pizza Hut. It’s never that easy. Or maybe it is, and I’m trying too hard and overthinking every little cracker and slice of roast beef. Maybe my one true lunch is an Indian-style basmati rice pilaf; it’s far from what I had in mind, but who knows?

Lunch is complicated, is it not?

Did I mention my parents had a lunchless marriage? That might have something to do with all of this.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to be the guy who finds himself looking back at his life at age 75, thinking about the one midday meal that got away. I want to live a life without regret, one where I lunched with every fiber of my being, with the entirety of my soul. And if I don’t find that one true lunch, well, maybe it was just never meant to be.

As the poets and dreamers say, better to have lunched and lost than never to have lunched at all.