Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Want You To Know I’m Just Trying To Replace Your Mom

Hey, can we talk?

So, I guess it’s pretty obvious by now that we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other, and your dad and I thought it would be a good idea for just the two of us to sit down and have a discussion. Look, I know this whole thing must be confusing and maybe even a little scary for you—it’s definitely been a tough transition for everyone, myself included. But it’s really important that we’re as honest and open with each other as possible, and I think with a little work, we’ll all get along just fine.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want you to know I’m going to try my hardest to replace your mother in every conceivable way.

Since the day I met your father, it has always been my intention to replace your mom, and there is absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop me from trying to do so.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Who is this woman? What is she doing here?” and I get that, I really do. It must feel to you like some total stranger is just barging her way in here, trying to be your new mom. And there’s a very good reason it feels that way—it is 100 percent the case. So, I just wanted to assure you that you can trust me when I say I’m going to do everything in my power to push aside even the merest shadow of a memory of your mother and wholly take her place.

Now, I know this is uncomfortable to talk about, but for everyone’s sake, we really have to make an honest effort. I just hope you understand that I would never try to pretend as though your mom never existed just because I’m in the picture now, but rather that my intent is to completely usurp her place in your heart and eventually expel any lingering sentimental attachment you have to her, permanently.

Does that make sense to you?

Obviously, you have a very deep, meaningful bond with your mother that no one could possibly come between, except for me. And I’m not just saying that because it’s something I feel like I’m supposed to say—I really and truly mean it. All I can do is promise that I will always be there for you, to support you and to listen to your problems and help you out in any way I can, but mainly to remind you that your mother is no longer around and that I have fully subsumed not only all of her parental duties but also her emotional role in your life.

Since the day I met your father, it has always been my intention to replace your mom, and there is absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop me from trying to do so. And I’m aware just saying that doesn’t make everything perfect and hunky-dory between us, but does it at least make you feel a little better? Knowing that, from this point forward, I am going to do my best to entirely supplant the person you are closest to in this world, who carried you in her womb for nine months and loves you unconditionally?

The bottom line is that I’m not going away, as much as maybe you hope I would. So, we have to give this new arrangement our best shot, to really try to make it work. Because, believe it or not, I love your dad just as much as you do—I really do.

And yes, I fully intend to steal him away from you.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.