adBlockCheck

I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been getting the shit end of the stick lately. It's not like I had much going on as far as work. Since I busted my leg on the roofing job, I've been getting paid for staying home. It was pretty sweet for a while, watching the checks roll in while I caught up on my tube-watching and video-game-playing. But then I started to go a little stir crazy. I couldn't drive, because I couldn't bend that leg, and it took forever to walk anywhere on crutches.

Finally, last weekend, I had to go out, because I couldn't get anyone to come drop me off provisions. Can you believe that? I'm suffering with a broken leg, with a whole week left before my cast comes off, and no one will help a pal out. Wes was out of town on vacation, so he gets a pass. But that douchebag Ron wasn't returning any of my phone calls, on account of he's still pissed that I walked out on that carbonics-plant job he got me.

Well, I held out as long as I could, but finally, you know, I was out of food and beer. I decided I was going to have to be like a pioneer and bravely go out into the wild. I dug my old high-school backpack out of the clothes closet, picked up my crutches, and hobbled out the front door, down the porch steps, and up the street to the store. After the first block, I was this close to turning back. But I thought of that empty fridge, and I knew I had to just do it.

When I finally got to the store, I bought a 12-pack of Miller Genuine Draft and jammed it into the main pouch of the backpack. Then I crammed as many microwave burritos as I could into the side pockets and headed back home.

It was harder than I thought, using crutches with a backpack on my shoulders. Halfway home, I had to stop a while and rest. I guess sitting around waiting for a broken leg to heal takes a lot out of you. When I was just about a block away from home, the zipper on my backpack broke. The 12-pack hit the ground, and cans went rolling everywhere. One of them busted and took off like a racecar, spraying beer all over the damn place.

I had a hell of a time bending over to pick up the cans while balanced on my crutches. I had an even harder time trying to hold the bag shut with one hand while I crutched home. Just when I was finally going up the stairs of my place, I lost my grip on my bag, and the cans fell out again, along with a couple burritos. I decided to get what I could into the house and hurry back for the rest of the beer before someone made a play for it. I thought I was making good time, but sure enough, when I came back outside, some of the neighborhood kids were grabbing cans. They took off when I hollered at them, but they took three beers and a couple burritos with them. So that was four MGDs that I paid for that I wasn't going to get to drink.

It took me a couple more minutes to get the cans into the apartment. You better believe that the first thing I did was kick back and crack open one of those beers. Well, guess what? It exploded on me. Beer went everywhere except for in my mouth. All that was left of the beer was about half a can of foam, but I downed it as fast as I could.

I was pretty sweaty from my workout, and I was soaked in beer. I realized that I hadn't hosed off in a couple of days. It's a real pain in the ass to put a plastic bag over your leg just to shower, but I decided that there was no better time than the present.

I'm supposed to use a garbage bag to cover my cast, but I was all out. But I got the great idea of using the worthless backpack. I put my foot in it and duct-taped up the opening. Man, that was a good shower. After I dried off, I had a few more beers, shot some zombies, and went to bed.

But then, the next day, my leg started itching. And not like it had been the past couple weeks, but bad, like the time I got poison ivy. My scratching stick wasn't doing any good. Then, the stick broke off in there, leaving like a three-inch chunk in my cast. I couldn't reach it for anything. That's when the itching really started to drive me crazy.

I called my doctor, but it was the weekend, so he was probably out golfing or something. I couldn't wait until Monday, and even if I could, there was no way I was going to take three buses to the hospital. Since there was only a week left before the cast could come off, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I went over to my tool drawer and gathered supplies. I got out some pliers, a screwdriver, and a steak knife I took from a restaurant while I was a dishwasher. I also found a hacksaw—not like I was going to use it right off the bat, but I wanted to have it as a backup in case everything else failed. Then I went to town. I cut and sawed and pulled off as much of the bitch as I could. After an hour, I had three playing-card-sized chunks of fiberglass off of the cast and an ambulance on the way.

They needed to take off the cast in order to get at the stab wound. I guess that was the good part. But they had to bandage up the leg to make sure my stitches didn't get infected. They also gave me an antibiotic to take for the skin infection I had. That fucking cut was deep. They said I was lucky I didn't bleed to death.

Well, that hospital trip is probably gonna use up all of my cash, so I'm gonna have to get back to work as soon as I heal up. As soon as I can, I'm gonna tell Ron that if he hadn't been such a dick about giving me a ride, none of this would have happened. I hope he feels bad enough to give me that carbonics job again.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close